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True Blood S04E03: The Witches Of Barfwick

So, Eric has vampire amnesia. He also has shirt amnesia. WHO IS HIS SHIRT?! This episode never explains what happens, because when the witches cast their magical spell on him he was wearing a shirt, and the next thing we know, he’s not wearing a shirt. They’re probably saving this big reveal for the series finale. “Eric’s shirt was dead the whole time!” Eric chases Sookie and tries to eat her so she punches him in the face and that’s all it took to get him to relax? Why hasn’t everyone been punching all the vampires in the face the whole time? He seems very confused, so Sookie explains to him that he is a vampire. He is like, I know I am a vampire, Snooki. OH LOLOLOL RIGHT ON TIME WITH THAT JOKE THIS SHOW, WHO ARE YOU, JAY FUCKING LENO?! Yuck. He tells her that he knows he’s a vampire but he forgot everything else except for how to speak Norwegian, or whatever. She says that she will help him as long as he doesn’t eat her and he agrees. Sure. One would imagine that if he’d lost all of his memory of her and she smelled like delicious sunshine (hrmph) that he would have no reason to listen to her or show restraint, but this show is nothing if not consistent in making up new rules as it goes along.

So Sookie takes Eric back to her/his house and washes his feet (if that is a metaphor or reference to something, I do not want to know) and then calls Pam on the telephone, which is funny. I bet vampires have, like, billions of roll-over minutes! Pam runs right over. Literally. Vampires love running places! Pam seems to know what has happened to Eric. The prophecy warns us that every 1,000 years, a coven of witches will gather in the back room of a yarn store and commit dark acts of dangerous magic over an improperly-chilled bottle of rosé. Pam tells Sookie that she thinks King Vampire Bill set Eric up, and that Sookie has to hide Eric in the basement and also not tell King Vampire Bill because King Vampire Bill will use “this” to get him “assassinated” by “the council.” Again with the new rules all the time! Last I heard, killing another vampire was the single worst sin a vampire could commit, but this season vampires have been killing other vampires all over the place no biggie and now all of a sudden the junkyard council also kills vampires just because they don’t remember to put a shirt on before leaving the graveyard? Sheesh. So Eric goes down into his state of the art vampire bomb shelter and Pam goes wherever Pam goes and Sookie goes to the bank because she demands that the vampires start giving her some money for all of the interference they are running in her life. Kind of seems like one of those “Work at Home! Make as much as 500,000 dollars a year!” scams but OK.

Stupid words used this episode: vampup, fangrape.

Meanwhile, Detective Inspector Jason Stackhouse is still tied to his meth bed where the panther juice is slowly taking effect and turning him into a panther person. Or so say the panther people. It kind of just looks like he’s turning into a pile of rotten meat person. Quick, someone call a veterinarian! The panther people all sit around a fire and share some kind of nonsense about their origins that I refuse to listen to. “You are the new Ghost Daddy!” Oh shut UP, panther people. YOUR STORY IS GARBAGE. Anyway, Crystal rubs some asphalt into Jason’s wounds and makes him take viagra and then all of the panther women RAPE HIM TO DEATH. Not a joke.

R.I.P. Jason Stackhouse (1992-2012).

Oh, Sookie goes to visit Werewolf Alcide.

Meanwhile, Lafayette knows that Eric is going to be pissed, and he insists that they go apologize to him and ask for his mercy, but whatever Lafayette’s boyfriend’s name is who cares says that’s a bad idea, and Tara is the worst. Every time Tara opens her mouth I wish the eyeless lizard creatures that crawled out of the primordial swamp and eventually turned into human beings would have never evolved ears out of their head-gills.

Lafayette tricks both of them, though, and runs to Fangtasia by himself. Whoops! Gotcha! Pam throws him into the dungeon and is about to murder him, which seems a bit much, Pam? He came to apologize! Witches make mistakes! They’re only witches! But that is when his boyfriend and Tara show up with a gun full of wooden bullets. Question: why can’t vampires out-run bullets? They are so fast! Can’t they outrun bullets? P.S. I am an adult, and these are apparently the kinds of questions that adults ask each other. So, Tara and Lafayette and Lafayette’s boyfriend–let’s just call him Doug–tell Pam that they are the only ones who can bring her the witch that did this to Eric and help bring him back. Pam gives them 24 hours but promises that if they don’t bring the witch to her she is going to “eat, fuck, and kill all of you.” Haha. PAAAAAAAAMMMMM!

The best part of the show, as always, is Hoyt and Jessica. It’s like Blue Vampirentine! Jessica goes to see King Vampire Bill to ask for some Advil and then explains that she was eating another man. Uh oh! King Vampire Bill tells her that she has to be honest with Hoyt, so she goes home and tells him what happened. Well, first she goes home and find’s him playing with a Squirrel Baby. I guess the doll is haunted and keeps coming back from the grave? Which still makes more sense than why Hoyt is cuddling with it on the couch. Like, if you had a gross Squirrel Baby and you told me that no matter how many times you threw it in the dump, it kept showing up again at your house, I would say fine, but here’s a question: WHY ARE YOU HOLDING IT?!

Anyway, when Vampire Jessica tells him that she cheated on him with another man’s blood, he is so mad. Aww, poor Hoyt. Have to admit, I am kind of surprised that this show did not make a “spit or swallow” joke. That’s a gross, terrible joke, but this is a gross, terrible show. Hoyt is about to go out and blow off some steam, but Jessica glamour’s him into thinking that he’s the luckiest boyfriend in the world and forgetting that she cheated on him. Eek. Relationships are built on trust! Hahhaa. Whatever. He is dating a vampire. This is like dating a Suicide Girl and then complaining that the plugs in her ears are too big. (“Her ears.”)

Jessica gives the Squirrel Baby to Arlene’s baby and for some reason Arlene and also Terry allow this to happen? No. That is a Squirrel Baby! Squirrel Babies go in the fire.

Vampire King Bill starts fucking that one lady from two episodes ago. Vampire King Bill is fucking everybody these days! Do your thang, Vampire King Bill! Ew. I’m not sure which is grosser, Vampire King Bill fucking everybody, or “do your thang.”

FUN FACT: nowadays, when a TV show mentions a URL, the network has to own the URL. It is some kind of weird legal thing, I guess so that they don’t make a joke about a URL and then when fans of the show go to look at the site it’s just all child porn or whatever. So, when Vampire King Bill yells at some vampire for being caught on YouTube (hrmp) and they reference the site vamps-kill.com, that is a real site now, and it is very stupid! What a fun fact. Almost too fun.

Oh, also something about Sam Merlotte’s brother, Tommy, and a natural gas long con? Literally cannot be bothered with that noise. Although I’m sure it will turn out that there is a family of LOCHNESS MONSTERS living in an underground cave beneath Hoyt’s mom’s house. It is funny, though, when he tells Sam about his plan and Sam just angrily rearranges papers on his desk. Relax, Sam. You probably do not even know how to read a piece of paper anyways.

The main witch is a magic cutter! She magically cuts herself just so she can magically feel something. It doesn’t seem to work, but then we see the spirit in the mirror so I guess it did work? That spirit needs to jazz up her outfits a little. Come on, spirit. You are dressed like the Triangle Shirt Waist Factory disaster. (It is possible, of course, that we will find out in a future episode that the spirit is actually of a woman who died in the Triangle Shirt Waist Factory disaster, in which case, her outfit is purrrrrrfect.)

Sookie is just sitting at home one night reading a Charlaine Harris book (BOOOOOOOOOOOO!) when she feels a presence outside. It is her fairy godmother! I hate having to type that! Her fairy godmother is like, “Look, I’m super sorry about the whole tricking you into coming out to our nightmare dessert and throwing energy grenades at you and about stealing your grandfather from you and for the part where everyone of our people is a scary gobling masquerading as a Vagisil commercial, but you should come back.” Hard sell. She explains that the fairies can keep Sookie safe and then there is this terrible call back to S01E01 and she is like “I sent the energy that you sent to the chain awakening the light inside you.” Oh, that is a GOOD SENTENCE! That sentence is probably going to sweep this year’s Sentencies. Anyway, Sookie is NOT buying it, at which point Eric runs over and eats the fairy godmother.

“You ate my fairy godmother,” Sookie says. “Sorry,” Eric says. And that is THE END OF THE EPISODE. What a neat cliffhanger. I am so excited to see what happens next week! Just kidding, I already know what happens: