The Eek Report: Elizabeth Smart Hired By ABC News To Talk About Stolen Children

EEEEEEK! EEEEEEK! By now, it should come as no surprise that we live in a weird and terrifying world that is spinning desperately off of its axis and the only thing that can save us now is BRUCE WILLIS. (Something something Armageddon.) Today we all take a bit of a knock that sends the whole thing wobbling just a little bit more. Maybe only half an inch, but half an inch could be the difference between where we were yesterday and The End. From the DailyBeast:

The network will announce shortly that Smart will be a contributor to Good Morning America and could also appear on such programs as Nightline. With the Casey Anthony story still going strong, she could be on the air next week.

OK. Sure! Congratulations to Elizabeth Smart on landing a powerful media job and putting the past behind her. Certainly she will be a normal journalist added to a team of journalists reporting and offering thoughtful analysis on any number of news stories. Right?

“This is definitely not about looking backward and telling her story, which has been well told and retold,” ABC spokeswoman Julie Townsend said after I contacted the network. Instead, she said, Smart’s role will be “helping viewers understand missing-persons stories from the perspective of knowing what a family experiences when a loved one goes missing.”

Townsend said Smart will appear “when there are missing children or missing-person cases in the news.”

GROSSSSSSSSS! You remember Elizabeth Smart, right? She was that little girl who was stolen from her home in 2002 and spent more than nine months living with those two weirdos in the woods or whatever? That was awful! I don’t know about you, but I don’t think any children should be stolen from their homes by strangers for ANY REASON! But you know what else is gross? Hiring Elizabeth Smart to come on television when other children have been stolen and just say stuff about it. So gross. I’m sure Elizabeth Smart is doing this willingly and that ABC News has not KIDNAPPED HER for this job, but it was very weird of them to ask in the first place. Yuck. SAVE US, BRUCE WILLIS WITH THE HELP OF BEN AFFLECK!