Detective Jason Stackhouse wakes up tied to a bed in the Panther People’s garage and the little boy meth addict is licking a wound on his head. You know, normal beginning of this show kind of stuff. Excuse me, this is the Panther People’s hospital, apparently. Jason says he’s more of a Band Aid kind of guy. Racist. The last time we saw Detective Jason Stackhouse he fell into a refrigerator and someone locked the door on it, but I guess they waited for a little while and then put him on the bed? It’s not a big deal, I just am curious how long you have to keep someone locked in a gross refrigerator full of bags of rotten meat before you know that it is safe to transfer them to the rusty bed. 20 minutes? Is it 20 minutes? Detective Jason Stackhouse tries to use some of his world renowned charm to convince the children to
go to bed with untie him. He tells them that he loves them. Chris Hansen bursts into the room in a gilly suit. He’s got the whole thing on tape. “Do you like little Panther People girls?” he asks. Total sting operation. Just kidding! That didn’t happen! That would be less ridiculous than anything that happens on this show normally! The Panther Children are about to untie him because he does make a strong point (“please”) but just then the door bursts open and there is some yelling and it is Crystal’s boyfriend and he has a shotgun and there is some quality back and forth between these two guys. “Fuck you.” “No, fuck you!” Oh, fuck me!
Let’s just get the Jason plotline out of the way. So, he’s tied to this bed. Andy Bellefleur shows up, and so does Crystal, and she shoves an old rag into Jason’s mouth so he can’t scream. But Andy isn’t even there as a search party for the missing Sergeant Stackhouse anyway, he just wants some vampire blood drugs. When he leaves, Crystal comes in with her old boyfriend and they both start taking off their clothes. Yikes. They are going to make a baby because Crystal has a duty to her kinfolk to promulgate the Panther People bloodline. (Sure.) But she can’t make them with her boyfriend, so she’s going to make one with Jason, which is why…they had to lock him in a refrigerator…and then tie him to a bed for 12 hours? But in order for them to make the right kind of baby, Jason has to become a Panther Person. OH BROTHERRRRRR. So Crystal and her boyfriend turn into panthers and just start gnawing on Jason’s sides. Hahhahahhaha. STUFF OF LEGEND, I’M SURE. You guys all know the beloved myth of the panther people and how the wise old ones always said that beware if you are ever tied to a rusty old bed in the dirty garage of a meth head farm because if two panther people start to chew your stomach you will be a panther person? That classic tale?
Right. Thank goodness that is out of the way!
So, back at Casa Del Sookie, Eric is explaining that if he wanted to eat her, he could have done it a long time ago because he is her landlord now because that is how vampire law works and that is also how landlords work. BUT, he says that he wants her to be his willingly. No way, Jose! That is what Sookie says. Eyes up here, pal! He promises her that it is the best way to keep her safe because SHE TASTES LIKE SUNSHINE IN A BLONDE BOTTLE and if she doesn’t accept his offer then someone else will murder her. Uh, Eric, you might want to work on your seduction technique. I am just saying, you are 500 years old, you are a walking corpse, and you buy all your clothes at Merry Go Round. The cards are already stacked against you a little bit without all of the “date me or you’ll get murdered” scare tactics. Sookie tells him to take a hike, and he is like, “That must be Fairy Sookie talking. Mama likey!” Gross. He leaves. Later, he will buy her a microwave!
Sookie walks over to Bill’s house to ask him to get Eric to leave her alone but she can’t get into Bill’s house because there are armed SWAT teams all over the place. TARGET ACQUIRED. WAIT FOR MY SIGNAL. FIRE! Sookie explodes into bits. The show is over. I wish.
She walks inside and sees that everything is different now. Without pausing to think about this at all, she just immediately starts wandering through the house opening every single door? What a lady! I guess Eric was wrong, there aren’t just two Sookies, there are three. There’s Human Sookie and Fairy Sookie, yes, but there is also Miss Manners Sookie, a creature of PURE MANNERS. She walks in on Vampire King Bill and that librarian from the Mah-Jongg and Witchcraft Club. Whoops! Bill is like, “Uhhhhhh.” Sookie asks him to make Eric give her her house back. At some point, maybe here or maybe earlier or maybe later but at some point someone says something like “Even if you go to another house, Eric will just buy that house, too.” Hahhaha. He’s a real Donald Trumpire. Bill says there is nothing he can do, even though he is the King of Louisiana, which, have we ever talked about how nice it is of the Vampire Royalty to respect the human notions of statehood and federally mandated borders? Sookie harrumphs and leaves, and now we learn how Bill became King in the first place with what is easily one of the most ridiculous segments in the herstory of this show that is nothing but ridiculous segments:
OH BLOODY HELL! Also, this segment doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. Like, this crooked vampire politician wanted him to be king but he had to wait for 30 years? I mean, I know that 30 years is only, like, 0 years in Vampire Time, but I still don’t know what they had to wait for if they were just going to go and murder the Queen anyway. And also, it seems like the reason she wanted him to be King was in order to push an assimilationist platform, but isn’t that already happening? Like, at this point vampires own laundromats or whatever, so I’m not entirely clear what the point of this is. Here’s one thing I do know, however: LOUIS PASTEUR IS A VAMPIRE!
Vampire King Bill tells Vampire Bartender Eric to go put an end to the Scrapbooking and Witchcraft Club that is taking place in the back room of the vegan juice and batiking bar. Eric doesn’t care about no witches until Bill says the word “necromancer” and now Eric cares very much. “This is just like the danged Spanish Inquisition all over again, shoot,” he says. Apparently, if Lafayette and his pals can make a parrot come back to life for two seconds, then they can control the vampires. I predict one of these in the near future:
But with vampires!
Arlene’s baby may or may not be evil but one thing is for sure: no one cares. Speaking of no one cares, Sam has a hot new girlfriend, which I care about a little bit…
…but he also has a weird naked heart-to-heart with his brother after an OWLS OF GA’HOOLE CHASE in the woods where they both say that they want to be better brothers to each other without really explaining what that means OR why they weren’t being better brothers to each other in the first place. Throw it on the pile! You know, the don’t care pile? It’s out behind the shed where Jason the Panther is tied up.
The best part of the show once again is the crumbling relationship of Hoyt and Vampire Jessica.
Their petty arguments expressing the cracking foundation of their fading love are so painful and realistic even though they are about vampire stuff! I’m not joking, it’s really well done! Anyway, Hoyt gets beat up outside of the bar trying to defend Vampire Rights and no one will help him because of YouTube. Jessica tries to heal him with her blood but he says he doesn’t want any so she gets mad and cheats on him. Eek. Sookie happens to be taking a dump at the same time and Jessica is like “Mind your own business, you’re not my Vampire Mom.”
Speaking of Vampire Moms, how about Pam, you guys?
Tara is back. Boo!
So, Eric busts in on the witches’ book club (“this month we’re reading Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides!”) and tells them that they need to cut it out with the witch stuff and Lafayette is like, “You guys should definitely listen to him. On an unrelated note, did someone pee their pants? It smells like pee in here and it definitely wasn’t me so it must have been one of you, let’s all go home and change our pants just in case but it wasn’t me so I don’t have to.” The main witch is like, “Come at me, bro!” So Eric comes at her. Everyone joins hands and starts chanting, except for Lafayette who is too busy not peeing his pants, but then Tara comes back in and tries to drive a wooden stake through Eric’s heart, which does seem a bit rash? Like, you JUST walked into the room? Take a minute to figure out what is what. Eric is about to just draiiiiiiin Tara, I wish, so Lafayette joins the circle and now something happens. It’s hard to tell what it is, but it’s definitely supposed to be important. Like, they sky gets dark and the old witch gets up and starts speaking in Latin or something and there are flames in her eyes. Eric looks scared!
He runs out. Everything comes back to normal. OR DOES IT?!
Sookie sees Eric walking by the side of the road and she is like “Oh hai, Eric,” but he does not seem to know who she is. Uh oh! If this is anything like Follow That Bird things are going to get pretty sticky!
Next week: MORE SHIT LIKE THIS SHIT!