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Crazy Parkour Video Used As A Thinly-Veiled Means To Tell My Own Parkour Story

You know what parkour is, right? You probably do, but if not: Parkour is the sport where guys do crazy things. Get it? Like jump from one building to another building that seems to be too far away, or walk on their hands for a while, or do lots of flips from high places and then land perfectly. “I get it now.” Good. After the jump you’ll see a video of a guy doing one of those things (the flips thing) and it’s kind of crazy and might give you a heart attack. But rest assured that I would not be sharing this video with you if it ended badly. This isn’t horribleaccidents.com. We’re all just trying to have some clean, safe fun, so he does a bunch of flips and it’s kind of crazy and then we all take a deep breath and forget about it. Then, also after the jump, I’m going to share with you my personal parkour story, which involves the world parkour champion (if that’s a thing, which it certainly may not be) and Oreo cakesters. Can you even wait??? Ahhhhhhh:

That was kind of crazy, right? I will never let my children do parkour. It’s not worth it. Freestyle walking, maybe, talk to your father Britt Daniel about it, but definitely NOT parkour. Ok, so here is the story:

One day about a year and a half ago, I was walking with some friends through a park in Brooklyn, New York. As we pass by an area of the park that has a long set of stairs — the kind of set of stairs that you would see, like, going up to a museum, but smaller. You know? Are you picturing it? — we are stopped by three men. One youngish guy who kind of looks like Jesse Eisenberg (not Jesse Eisenberg though), one oldish guy who kind of looks like that TMZ guy (not that TMZ guy though) and one other guy who kind of looks like a tank (not a tank).

“Hi, do you know what parkour is?” the TMZ-looking guy asks me.

“Uhh…yes?” I respond, because I did know what it was, because I think they had already done the parkour joke on the Office at that point and pretty much everyone knew what it was from that.

“Do you like it?”

“Uhhh…”

“Haha, well, you see that guy over there? [Tank guy.] That’s the world parkour champion. [I think this is what he said. It may have been a lie to make it sound more exciting, but at the time I believed him because who cares either way. Not to be jerky about it! But kinda to be.] We’re shooting a commercial for Oreo Cakesters that’s going to air on MTV. Would you want to help us? It won’t take very long.”

I say yes, even though my brain is screaming “Noooooooooooooooooooo!” This is because I have a hard time saying no in face-to-face interactions like this, and also because no doy I’m going to do it. So we head over to the steps.

“So what’s going to happen is [name of parkour guy] is going to walk down the steps on his hands and when he gets to the bottom of the steps you’re going to feed him an oreo cakester, and then he’s going to do a flip and sit down next to you.”

“Oh yeah, ok.”

It required an incredibly limited amount of acting on my part — I had to smile at him I think? — and I could not really pull that part off. It’s hard for me to act like a normal person in real life when fake Jesse Eisenberg and fake TMZ guy are NOT filming me shoving oreo caksters into the mouth of a guy who is standing on his hands, let alone when they ARE. So my inability to be perceived as a normal human, combined with parkour guy’s inability to not spit out the oreo cakesters almost immediately after they are shoved into his mouth, led to us having do this roughly one million times. The parkour guy was clearly having a very rough time. Lots of walking on hands, lots of flips, LOTS of oreo cakesters. So after the 1,000,000th take, Jesse Eisenberg and TMZ decide that we’ve probably gotten it and we can all stop now and go to sleep and never think about this again.

They all gave me their cards and told me to look out for the commercial on MTV during the airing of the Ultimate Parkour Challenge or something, which is a parkour show that was on MTV for some period of time. I think I forgot to watch for it and I don’t think there was ever anything done with it, actually. We almost certainly did not get the shot.

The End