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True Blood S04E01: Keep Fucking That Chickenwolfpantherfairy!

And here we are again. Last year, I really thought maybe I would hang up my True Blood cleats. It seemed like it was time. Vampires and werewolves are one thing, and OK, shapeshifting dogs who also own bars. But fairies and Panther People? Oh man and I almost forgot about that GREEKY GODDESS NATURE WITCH THING, or whatever that was. No, I had every intention of throwing in the towel (another great metaphor, although cleats is still my favorite) on this one. But have you ever had that thing where you want to see how bad things can actually get? Or, like, have you ever had bleeding gums that sting and feel raw whenever you brush your teeth but instead of brushing softer or trying to avoid your gums, you just brush as hard as you can right on that very spot? It turns out I’ve got whatever that is (a nightmare? Is it called “an unhealthy nightmare”?) with this show. Incidentally, I was at a barbecue on Sunday with someone who had already seen the first three episodes and he said, “That show is really starting to get ridiculous.” Is it? Just now? Is it GETTING ridiculous? Because I’m not sure what show he was watching, but the one I saw ended with a vampire king getting buried in cement and METHWOLVES and started this season with a MAGIAL EVIL TROLL FAIRY MAGICAL ENERGY ORB ROCK FIGHT IN THE SPACE DESERT. Oh brother. Well? Shall we?

When last we left her, Sookie disappeared in what I described in my last recap as “a magic graveyard fairy chandelier explosion.” Hahaha. I do not entirely remember that, but it sounds GREAT. Anyway, a bunch of people in a GAP ad from 1998 wearing relaxed-front chinos and linen shirts are hanging around the old Fairy Tree sucking down gobfuls of these magical peaches that look like a table centerpiece at an asshole’s wedding. Like, someone ordered those magical light peaches (which are actually called “light fruit” because this show is a genius) in bulk from a guy they know who has a sketchy import/export deal in China and now everyone is drunkenly stuffing light fruit into their blazer pockets and hand-purses but tomorrow morning they are going to throw those light fruit in the trash because even though they love Rick and Dana, they don’t need a bunch of cheap looking light fruit all over the house. Some light flashes and Sookie is here with some broad who says she is her fairy godmother and even Sookie is like “I think I might be done with this show, it seems kind of retarded.”

Anyway, Sookie sees her grandfather and she is like, whoa hold on a second, my grandfather is here? He is just HOUSING a light fruit by the way.

Everyone is. These guys are crazy about their light fruit. It is, of course, as with any of these shows, hilarious whenever anyone is surprised by anything? Like, I admit that seeing your grandfather 20 years after he disappeared is weird, but also you just learned that you are a fairy and you disappeared through a magical portal in a graveyard to the set of some kind of porno, so really, seeing your grandfather deserves an “Oh, OK, neat” at best, I mean, if you’re going to start being weird about it. Sookie notices that there’s something weird about this whole light fruit thing, and decides that she’s not going to eat hers. Suddenly, a “beautiful” Fairy Queen appears and tells her that she has to eat this goddamned fruit, and once again Sookie is thrown into the middle of an epic centuries long battle between some nonsense creature and something else. Not bad for a stupid waitress! (No offense to waitresses. Offense only intended for waitresses who are also fairies and telepaths.) Seriously, though, the Fairy Queen shows her hand REAL fast. You would think that a powerful royal matriarch would have a little better sense of massaging the situation and getting what she wanted. Instead, Sookie unleashes one of her magical energy blasts (you have no idea, as a human being and an adult, how much writing about this show pains me) and now all of a sudden Fairy Land becomes Fairy Nightmare and all the Fairies are Trolls and Sookie and her Grandpa run into Fairy Desert but the evil fairies are throwing fairy energy grenades (LOLOL) and all of a sudden there is a FAIRY RESISTANCE ARMY and OH MY GOD THIS SHOW, I mean, it’s only been a year, but apparently you can forget over the course of a year that we live in a world where PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK THIS SHOW IS ACCEPTABLE AND SHOULD EXIST!

Sookie and her grandpa find themselves at the edge of a giant crater that is supposedly the portal to the human world but only Sookie can go because she didn’t eat the light fruit but the Fairy Queen Witch says that it’s not a portal and that Sookie will die if she jumps in but then a soldier from the Fairy Resistance Army says that the Fairy Queen Witch is closing the portal and so Sookie and her grandpa jump in and the thought of having to describe even the most basic of events on this show for the next three months makes my heart jump into my mouth where it drowns in the puke that is already there. Can I also point out that we are only five minutes into the episode? Sookie and her grandpa wake up and he has Light Fruit Disease that makes him shudder and flicker with weird CGI light beams and also his makeup gets particularly terrible like I think a three-year-old did his makeup and he gives Sookie a pocket watch to give to Jason and then he disappears in a puff of smoke. Well, that’s Light Fruit Disease for you. It doesn’t kill you immediately. You have exactly 45 seconds worth of expository dialog time before you disappear. Look it up on WebMD.

When Sookie gets back to her house, it is being repainted and workers are working on it. A guy is like “Hey! You can’t go in there!” as guys always are like. He says he’s going to call the cops and she says she hopes he does. He does. The cops show up. It’s Jason Stackhouse. He’s a cop now. Right. He is perfect at interrogations when they need to play Good Cop/Mentally Disabled Cop. (I actually like Jason Stackhouse best of all [after Lafayette] on this show, so don’t even start.) He explains that Sookie has been gone for a year and everyone thought she had died. Sookie explains that she was only gone for 15 minutes, but I guess time works differently in Fairy Town. Jason wants to believe her, but even he is having a hard time, which OK, sure, except he is the one who straight up BANGED A PANTHER-WOMAN without blinking last season, so maybe it is time for him to open his mind to the possibility that the world is full of POORLY WRITTEN magic. He does finally believe him when she gives him granddad’s old pocket watch. It was in his butt! (Pulp Fiction joke. 2011.)

Oh, also, thinking that Sookie was dead, Jason sold the house to some mysterious real estate company but I’m sure it’s nothing. Just a normal real estate company. Don’t worry about it.

Bill shows up. Eric shows up. Andy Bellefleur shows up. All our old pals! There is some dumb fight. Bill something, Eric something. Who cares? Oh, but what is important is that Bill can tell Eric what to do for some reason, which is new, and also Andy Bellefleur is on “V,” or vampire blood, which you will recall is a drug in this show, and this show is stupid, so Andy Bellefleur is on it. Oh brother. Also, when Andy gets mad about how worried everyone was over Sookie’s disappearance, Bill explains that he had sent her away on “secret Vampire Business,” which is so funny. Oh man. So, so funny. For the rest of the episode she just keeps saying, “Yeah, I was on secret Vampire Business, sooooo….” Right.

Meanwhile, Lafayette continues to be the best, but how deep do we need to go into his story? He’s still with his boyfriend. They go to some kind of Witch Book Club. The leader of the Witch Book Club has got a thing for Lafayette who seems to have some kind of secret witch powers. There’s a secret message from that dead vampire that Lafayette fucked a couple years ago (this show has been on television for YEARS!) and also a dead parrot that comes back to life and then dies again. Oh, also Andy starts choking him in the kitchen (keep choking that kitchen!) at Sam Merlotte’s restaurant because he wants some more vampire blood (hrmph) and Jason has to intervene.

Also maybe Vampire Bill is a politician now or something? He gives a speech at the dedication ceremony for, like, a lending library or something. Hard to tell. It is cut with a speech that Vampire Eric gives to a TV show about how we should all go to Fangoria Cocktail Lounge because vampires are nice. In any case, a few things become clear. Vampire Bill is definitely sleeping with (everyone) Andy Bellefleur’s sister, who is a high-powered lawyer, and also he is the Vampire King of Louisiana now! Holy cow! Congratulations, Vampire Bill! Not sure how that happened and don’t care but sure I will somehow find out anyway! Oh, also, one of the nerdy librarian witches from Lafayette’s witch study group has some kind of relationship with King Bill. Cool. #swag

Oh! Guess what?! Tara is a MIXED MARTIAL ARTIST LESBIAN NOW!

No duh. Of course she is. This guy knows what she’s talking about:

She gets a text from Lafayette about how Sookie is back and not dead while she is in the middle of shooting a Victoria’s Secret commercial with her girlfriend, but she sends it straight to voicemail (you can do that with texts on this show, it’s magic). It turns out that she lives in New Orleans now and goes by the name of Tony. Or Toni? I don’t know. Either way, if it somehow means that we don’t have to see her anymore because of the time difference than I am all for it. (And if you want to start arguing with me about how Bon Temps and New Orleans are probably in the same time zone, then let me tell you that you’re going to see as much Tara as you deserve.)

Speaking of things I don’t care about: Sam feels guilty about shooting his dog brother in the leg. And he’s in some kind of shapeshifters support group where they all drink Merlot and turn into horses. NEXT PLOT THREAD!

Perhaps the best part of the show is Hoyt and Vampire Jessica, who are now living together and learning what anyone who has ever been in a serious relationship and lived with their significant other comes to know: it’s the worst! But also kind of the best! Like, their mundane fight about dinner is very intense and real, and when she starts throwing eggs into a frying pan shells and all and not even really cooking them before slopping them onto a plate and he starts shoveling this into his mouth just to prove a point and the whole time they are shouting at each other it is just a very good depiction of domestic life and how horrible it can be! But similarly, when she finally breaks and is laughing and now they are laughing at each other and defusing their raised tempers it is also so charming and great and reminds you how nice it can be to have someone that you can even fight with in a meaningful and intimate way. Vampire relationships are vampire compromise. Of course, then they go to the vampire bar and Vampire Jessica is definitely going to fuck someone else very soon, like, maybe next episode but if not next episode than definitely in episode 3 and so that is heartbreaking because Hoyt is kind of the best (no offense Jason or Lafayette) and so that will be sad. But, you know, things happen. Forget it, Hoyt, it’s Vampire Town.

I swear to God that Jason and Sookie are watching two people dressed in bear costumes fighting on TV and somehow that is the least weird thing that happens on this show.

Jason goes to Meth Village to take care of all those Panther Meth Addict Children from last season, or whatever. He ends up getting locked inside of a freezer. Uh oh! Oh well. R.I.P. Jason Stackhouse. Guys, life is for the living. We’ve got to move forward with our lives.

The episode ends with Eric surprising Sookie in her bedroom as she is changing from one silk nightie into another silk nightie. It turns out, and you are really not even going to believe this, but HE is the one who bought her house! Oh my God, I just could not even believe this when I found out I was just like Oh I cannot believe this and also You’ve got to be kidding and then How and then This is incredible. What a twist. That’s another thing I definitely said. What a twist! I said that because I suck. GET IT? I SUCK AND THIS SHOW IS ABOUT VAMPIRES! Anyway, he is allowed in the house now even though Sookie rescinded his invitation because he BOUGHT THE HOUSE. You know how it works with Vampires. It’s all about mortgages and human legal contracts. Vampire stuff. Tort reform. Other words. This show.

Buckle up, boys. It’s going to be a long season.