We Have To Recast Jersey Shore Now

I’m not going to pretend I know a whole lot about the hit television series Jersey Shore. (Generally I assume people like to pretend they know A LOT about it. It’s on everyone’s OK Cupid profile under “Favorite Books.”) I’m aware of Snookie and I’m aware of The Situation. I know that “The Situation” refers to abs. I know what “smooshing” is, unfortunately. And then the last thing I know about Jersey Shore is that each cast member gets paid roughly one billion dollars per episode. Well, as it turns out, one billion dollars per episode is way too much! And after the fifth season, MTV will be recasting the entire series with less expensive nightmares.

This news is surprising to me mostly because I can’t believe this show is going to have been on for six seasons. That’s crazy! Who is watching this show? Everyone? I guess another surprising thing is that everyone is still watching a show that airs on MTV. MTV, maybe you should just pay them their one billion dollars an episode and keep your head down. This seems like maybe the only thing you have going for you at this point. “We have a werewolf show now too!” -MTV. Poor MTV. Let’s help them out and recast Jersey Shore for them. It’s the absolute least we can do.

Real World: Seattle Cast
A very good season of Real World, as I remember. Let’s get these guys back and see how they’re doing. Remember when Stephen hit Irene? And threw her teddy bear or whatever in whatever body of water they lived on? Perfect. More of that.

Vincent Gallo
This one might be too on the nose, to be honest. Vincent Gallo might actually already be a Jersey Shore cast member — like I said, I don’t know a lot about the show. Is Vincent Gallo already a cast member? “Hey it’s Vincent Gallo. Welcome to Jersey Shore.” – Said with a Vincent Gallo impression.

Tom Hanks
I think he’d be into this idea. Someone get me Tom Hanks on the phone. Someone, come on, do it. Come ooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

Kitchen Knife Set
Lots of built-in drama.

Carey Mulligan
She’d be good because you’d think she’d be the good girl but then she WOULDN’T be the good girl at some point toward the end of the season, but it would maybe only be a misunderstanding. Classic reality show good girl.

Gossip Girl Cast
Chuck: Come on, Blair, you know you want to smoosh with me. You could only ever smoosh with me. [Crying] You know that, Blair.
Blair: No, Chuck. I thought I could smoosh with you, but I just can’t. You’ll never change, Chuck. We’ll never change.
Dan: Where can I pick up a copy of the New Yorker here, on the Jersey Shore? It’s the Young College Fiction issue and I’m featured in it.
Serena: I don’t know, Dan. My clothes make sense now.
Vanessa: I’m the worst!
Everyone: WE KNOW.

Sam Rockwell
It would be like any of the characters he’s played that are kind of trashy. He’s very good at that! And very good at everything else. I just really like Sam Rockwell.

Nicole Kidman
She seems like a total B.

Rod Serling

Cast of House MD
I haven’t watched House since the third season and I’m not sure who’s on it right now, so I’m thinking the classic cast. “It’s not Lupus.” “I will keep saying that this medical mystery is not worth my time until you tell me the next thing you’re about to tell me.” “Wilson, say something that helps me solve the medical mystery.” All future classic Jersey Shore catchphrases.