Courtney Stodden Would Like You To Like Quit Like Bullying Like People

A woman named Courtney Stodden is in the “news” today (sorry, pretty sure I’m using the word “news” correctly but I don’t have time to look it up, I’m too busy signing up for the Billy Bush Fan Club) because she married 51-year-old Lost actor, Doug Hutchinson. (He played Horace on Lost. He was also in The Green Mile, which is terrible.) The reason this is in the “news” (excuse me, “important news”) because while he is 51, she is only 16. Yikes! I did not even know you were allowed to do that! Anyway, congratulations to both of them, I’m sure. It sounds like everyone is making very smart decisions. Of course, because Courtney Stodden is in the news now (this post was written by Brian Williams), people have done some digging, and wouldn’t you know, Courtney Stodden has a YouTube page, and a six-minute anti-bullying video she posted. Now, before we watch this video, let’s all agree that bullying is terrible and that we are all against bullying and that anything that anyone does to try and help end bullying is good and valuable or at the very least comes down on the correct side of the issue and should be welcomed and applauded. With the possible exception of this video. Holy moly!

Well, on the plus side, a 16-year-old woman who looks like she is 45 and claims to be a recording artist and just married a 51-year-old actor from the Dharma Initiative would never be the target of Internet ridicule in the first place, but now that she’s posted a video against Internet ridicule, she’s UNTOUCHABLE. (Oh boy.) Seriously, what gypsy did she make a carnival deal with so that she can legally say she is 16 because uh that face and also why does she think that her spot-on 1994 Valley Girl impersonation is going to have any effect whatsoever on the bullying epidemic with her YouTube video and also I really didn’t know you could get married that young and it grosses me out big time and also I hate everything about all of this and also this is Jake Fogelnest’s fault and also goodnight!