An Open Letter To Tom Cruise’s “Sunday” Outfit

Dear Tom Cruise’s “Sunday” Outfit,

What’s up with you? I don’t mean, like, oh hey, hi, how are you doing, what is new. I mean, literally, what is up with you? Look, Tom Cruise’s “Sunday” Outfit, we all like to relax. Relaxing is human. So if Tom Cruise wants to put on a pair of sweat pants and kick around when he’s not on the set of Knight And Day 2: Knighter And Dayer, we understand. All of us understand. Besides, Tom Cruise is a busy super-celebrity. If anyone needed to understand and experience the comfort of relaxing every once in awhile, it’s him. It’s hard to lie to yourself and everyone else about your sexuality, and those Last Samourai period piece costumes can get heavy! But what’s up with you? You are a weird looking pair of sweatpants, which I’m sure are the finest pair of sweatpants on the market, but still weird, fine maybe but weird definitely, and into those weird sweatpants you are an open-necked button down sweatshirt sweater tucked in? Nothing says “I am relaxed and comfortable” like tucking your sweatshirt into your sweatpants. Of course, that’s not even the real problem with you. The real problem with you is the hat. WHAT A COMFORTABLE LOOKING HAT JUST KIDDING! (And the brilliant white sneakers that look like they were military-issue from the Cavity Creeps Army Wet Ops Team aren’t helping.)

The best part about you is that you are KIND OF like Katie Holmes’s lazy Sunday outfit, in that she, too, is wearing sweatpants and ugly boots and some kind of soft cardigan or I don’t know what, I’m not a Fashion Scientist, but as much as her outfit also looks stupid and ugly and hardly befitting an American Queen, it actually looks like a real lazy day outfit that a human being would wear. You seriously look like that creature from Men In Black with the human flesh suit, shuffling around the streets of New York, doing your best human impression. “Me make TV all day long for the Sunday reds.” What? “Me have relax now old sofa and a nap sleep.” Shut up, alien beast. You make no sense and everyone can see that your face is sliding off.

Oh, Tom Cruise’s “Sunday” Outfit, you crack us up. “She likes to read the Sunday Styles. I reach for the strip-mining your planet for the copper my people need to fuel their transgalactic ships. I mean Week in Review! Hahaha. Just joke me am make.” Oh aliens. Oh hats.

Andrea Leon Taffy (GOOD JOKE THE END)