In front of a crowd of 20,000 people at Chicago’s United Center, Oprah Winfrey taped the final two episodes of her legendary talk show. The end! Tom Hanks was there, and so was Tom Cruise, who apparently has been on the show 12 times? See also: Beyonce, Madonna, and Halle Berry. (Halle Berry?! No offense to Halle Berry, but what?) Then again, my apologies to Halle Berry, because the show also featured Dakota Fanning. What? Powerful stuff, I’m sure. Basically, at least according to the Hollywood Reporter accounting of the taping, the whole thing was a celebration of people’s love for Oprah (culminating in a performance by Usher, obviously?), which I guess makes sense since the woman has her own television network at this point, so grandiose gestures of self-congratulation are kind of her whole thing. But doesn’t the world already know that everybody loves Oprah and also that Oprah has a lot of celebrity friends? It just seems kind of pointless to have a whole show about that. If I were her, I would have used my final show to try and MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THIS WORLD. Oh man, hahahha. I am JUST KIDDING. If I was her, I would use my billions of dollars to CREATE A FLOATING SKY CASTLE MADE OUT OF CHOCOLATE AND PATÉ WHERE I WOULD LIVE AND FLOAT AROUND AND EAT OMELETS AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES. I wouldn’t even have a fucking final show. I’d just put on my favorite over-sized Bart Simpson “Eat My Shorts” t-shirt and GO TO BED. That’s what separates me and Oprah. That is the only thing.