More, Like, Uh, Upfronts Stuff?

Television upfronts week continues. More panel discussions! More weird Photshops of the casts of shows standing in front of ugly Photoshopped backdrops in some kind of mega-Photoshop nightmare that serve some mysterious purpose that civilians could not possibly understand. Is it supposed to promote the show somehow? Probably, but how does THAT work? Everyone looks like a plasticface in a child’s diorama, and no one DVR’s shows because of the cast photos. Whatever. We talked a little bit yesterday about what the new fall shows were going to be like but now we have new trailers from FOX and ABC, soooo:


Here’s the trailer for the Zooey Deschanel sitcom, New Girl:

Why is she talking like that? Also, this is one of those Hollywood situations where they try and convince you that an attractive woman is not particularly attractive and it is like, OK, right, sure, Hollywood, but also not so much. Like, how is this trailer three minutes long and none of those dudes tries to sleep with her? I call shenanigans.

Speaking of shenanigans, they are making an animated series based on Napoleon Dynamite?

Ugh. No comment.

Meanwhile, here is a preview of another new animated show starring Jonah Hill called Allen Gregory:

Let me guess what the pitch of this show was like. “You know Family Guy? Now imagine that the whole show was just about that fucking baby or whatever.” I’m just saying that super-precocious children forced to live the lives of actual children rings familiar. Maybe this cartoon about the baby in a suit will be great!

On the dramatic side of things, here is the trailer for the Steven Spielberg dinosaur drama Terra Nova:

Haha. Welcome to paradise, indeed. It’s like they say, if you want to make a dystopian post-apocalyptic nightmare omelet, you’ve got to break a couple of DINOSAURS. This show looks promising enough, although I’m already plugging my ears up for the inevitable explanations of what the “butterfly effect” is and why it doesn’t apply in this case.

JJ Abrams’s Alcatraz trailer, you guys:

Whatever. What? A criminal from the 1840s running around San Francisco? I’m on the edge of my seat, I’m sure. “Why did they all disappear from that prison? I don’t know, let’s order some Mr. Clucks call the stupid Fringe police.”


There are a bunch of new sitcoms coming to ABC and each of them looks worse than the last! Like, even this one, Suburgatory, starring Cheryl Hines and Jeremy Sisto, both of whom are good at their job of acting, looks so bad!

Not interested in that? How about a new show from Tim Allen with anti-Obamacare jokes just kidding!

I mean, I’m not kidding, that is what this is, but I don’t think this is for us. Unfortunately, I’m sure it is for millions of others. Oh well! Besides, both Suburgatory and Last Man Standing are as nothing compared with WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE:

Good grief. Does anyone have the number for the upfronts? Is it just 1-800-upfronts? Because we need to call it in and shut it down.

ABC’s dramatic stuff is a little bit better kind of I GUESS. There is the Mad Men rip-off, Pan Am:

Sure. Costumes! Wall-paneling! Life magazine! At least it’s more original and interesting than this reboot of Charlie’s Angels:

Hollywood knows that just because something is a franchise doesn’t mean you HAVE to reboot it constantly, right? Just kidding. They do not know that!

How about some spooky monsters on a boat or something?

Could go either way! The River could be the new Lost and could be the new The Event. (Also I am not actually sure that this could go either way. It looks like Ghost Ship. And it looks as cheap as Ghost Ship looked.)

Revenge is a prime-time soap opera for adults I guess.

I mean, of course it is. It’s called Revenge!

Huh. Well. So. Nothing looks that great! Classic TV upfront situation. You can see a few more previews here and here and here and here if you want, but I promise, it’s not going to get any better. Give me Justified or give me BOOKS.