Meet Today’s Guest Blogger: Superglue

Good morning, my lovelies!  I’m going to start exploding your eye holes with content shortly, but I thought I would go ahead and set some expectations so that you don’t get disoriented and panic when you are confronted with how awesome this day is about to be.

Expectation 1 – I grew up near VA Beach and now live in Chapel Hill, NC, so I have a very special dialect that includes “y’all” and “ain’t” liberally, as well as some surfer lingo like “dude” and “hang loose”, so if any of those things offends you, you may want to start scouting other websites to hang out in today.  I also swear like a sailor, so if phrases like “stinky old dick bags” make you uncomfortable, you may also want to make alternate arrangements.

Expectation 2 – I am extremely nervous and tend to embarrass easily, so try not to make too much fun of me.  If you make fun of me and I cry, I will take a picture of myself crying and post it on here along with a screen grab of the comment that made me cry just to make you uncomfortable.  And probably I’ll also hire one of those planes that drags a banner behind it at the beach that has your comment and then “This turd-hole made Superglue cry.  Shame!!!” on it so that all the kids who are at Beach Week after graduation will know how mean you were to me.

Expectation 3 – My syntax is, at times, unconventional.  I tend to just write words in the order they come out of my brain, which could occasionally be deemed “the wrong order.”  You’re just going to have to get used to it.

Expectation 4 – I am not sophisticated.  At all.  My sense of humor is very bodily function-centric.  If you have an animal fart related tip to send in, TODAY IS THE DAY.  I’d also accept a tasteful human fart video, like if there’s a video of a baby scaring himself with his own farts or something, that could be kind of fun.  So I guess if you’ve just been sitting on some juicy fart videos, it’s time to get up off them.

Expectation 5 – This will be fun!  I am super thrilled to be here on this week of Monster All Stars and I am totally ready to go.  I kind of feel like the Make A Wish kid who wished really hard to get invited to blog and it came true!  Miracles all up in this bitch.

If after today you’re not totally sick of me, feel free to follow my very spotty twitter.  I also occasionally write for MOBFD (the Monster spin-off blog, which all of you should be reading), so if you’re craving, come on over there.  But for now, let’s get right into it!  To the animal fart-mobile!