There Is No Ceiling On Gwyneth Paltrow’s Awfulness

The latest issue of Goop is out today, and, well, uh, this:

Spring is springing and it’s the perfect time to start planting herbs and veggies for the summer. I got a great how-to lesson from my friend José who is an expert in the garden. Below you will find tons of fun ideas on how to plant a spring garden of your own, even in a New York City apartment!

Really? MY FRIEND JOSE WHO IS AN EXPERT IN THE GARDEN?! REALLY?! Now, look, this is definitely one of those cases where an assumption says a lot more about the person who is making it than anything else. Who is to say that Jose isn’t the President of the Gardens Institute and that he and Gwyneth didn’t meet at the MET Costume Gala? Let’s not jump to any conclusions. Let’s click through and see who this Jose is:

Our resident gardening expert, José Marqués, suggested we plant several of them in a mini-greenhouse so that the warm, humid air would prompt the seeds to germinate.

OUR RESIDENT GARDENING EXPERT. Right. Gotcha. Good grief! This woman is easily the most astute caricature of a Monopoly board rich person that I’ve ever seen. I am pretty sure it was her lack of self-awareness that sank the Titanic (she was not on board, but a lot of the paintings she had ordered for the guest belfry were). She’s basically Mary from Downton Abbey before Mary got likable. Incredible. INCREDIBLE! I’m not saying that Jose Marques doesn’t have a lot of very interesting and useful gardening tips. Only the best for the Coldplay family. (Their coat of arms is a Gap sweater and an iPhone.) I’m even pretty sure that Jose makes more money than I do. But asking the live-in help to write the latest issue of your vanity on-line newsletter is some next level haute-bourgeoise shit. Off with her head!

She includes Jose’s email address, [email protected], but please don’t write him. His life is hard enough. He has a hotmail account for heaven’s sake. He’s practically GARBAGE.