Lindsay Lohan: The Comic Book

“So, Lindsay Lohan’s been in the news lately.” That was a bit from my new topical stand-up comedy routine. Imagine me saying that but also with the sound of shuffling newspapers. LADIES AND GERMS. Anyway, this weekend, Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 120 days in prison, (she served five hours before being released), and yesterday it was reported that she would be working at a morgue as part of her sentence. (Also something about her being cast in a movie about John Gotti, which, well right. Cool movie, can’t wait to see that movie.) And now she is going to be a comic book! From ONTD:

The comic is titled Infamous: Lindsay Lohan and is set for a September 2011 release, but given the 24-year-old’s latest legal shenanigans, there’s still plenty to be added to the issue.

“Lohan is both a victim of the all-consuming celebrity culture and a perpetrator of bad decisions, lack of self-control and an unhealthy sense of entitlement,” writer Marc Shapiro said.

“This issue can be seen as a tragedy in motion; it’s last chapter has yet to be written.”

Haha. Hey, Ralph Waldo Hemingway, just write the last chapter. It’s a Lindsay Lohan COMIC BOOK. Go ahead and write the last chapter. Tragedy in motion. Right. Are we still talking about the Lindsay Lohan COMIC BOOK? I thought so. Take it easy. Also this:

According to Shapiro, the 32-page book is not all about the salacious headlines, mug shots and outrageous behavior, but tries to examine the underlying causes of Lohan’s inability to “straighten out her life.”

Excuse me, but if you are going to write a Lindsay Lohan comic book, you might as well make it all about the salacious headlines, mug shots and outrageous behavior. It is, after all, a Lindsay Lohan comic book. I’m not saying that there aren’t college-level essays to write about the psychological effects of extraordinary fame on a still-developing human teenager, especially one with an obviously fractious and destructive home life, and that there isn’t something to be said for the larger machinations in which Lindsay Lohan is helplessly trapped, but, again, this is a 32-page LINDSAY LOHAN COMIC BOOK (with, it should be noted, a mug shot ON THE COVER) so let’s all just take it easy. Write the last chapter, sir. Make it salacious and outrageous. And then GO TO BED.