Duh Aficionado Magazine: Ashton Kutcher Did NOT Give A College Lecture On Newtonian Physics

Ashton Kutcher crashed a college lecture hall in Iowa City this week, where one assumes he is either filming a movie, or visiting his old alma matter for whatever reason people like him do anything besides money and/or risky, meth-fueled sex with multiple partners. This much we know, he DID “stroll” into a lecture hall, and from there he proceeded to open his mouth and let words come out of it. From the DailyIowan:

When Ashton Kutcher strolled into a University of Iowa lecture hall on Tuesday, the Hollywood actor was met with a wave of screams, squeals, and clapping.

But once the starstruck commotion subsided, the Iowa-born celebrity spoke to UI students about problem solving, fulfilling their potential, and Newtonian physics.

Sure! I mean, honestly, three-quarters of my mental life is spent imagining what I would do to mess with people if I was famous, and “strolling” (really, Daily Iowan? Did he really STROLL in?!) into a college classroom and “giving a lecture” has probably been on my I’m Rich And Bored Now What? List at some point or another. But something about the part where he supposedly discussed “Newtonian physics” in his lecture set off the state-of-the-art Duh Aficionado Liar Alarms, so I did a little digging (by which I mean I read a little bit more, but not all, of the article). Yeah, but, so, obviously, he didn’t do that:

Kutcher emphasized he got where he is today by identifying problems that affect a large group of people, helping to solve them, and never giving up.

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction — that’s a fundamental law of physics,” he said. “If you can find a problem that other people have and you can solve it, then you’re going to find immense amounts of happiness because you’re creating happiness for them.”

HAHAHHAH. Right. I mean, right. In his defense, that basically IS a lecture on Newtonian physics if your professor is ASHTON KUTCHER. But that is not a lecture on Newtonian physics. Duh.

I do like this picture, though:

Careful, ladies! Don’t all learn at once! (Thanks for the tip, Trevor and Nick.)