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Bradley Cooper To Possibly Star In A Remake Of The Crow And Ruin Jokes About The Crow For Everybody

Recently, some items were stolen from the landing of my building. Namely, a pair of boots and one of those collapsible, rolling shopping carts that old ladies (and I) use for groceries. I’m not bringing this up because it is the single saddest thing in the herstory of sad things that has ever happened to a human being, but because those are absurd things to steal (My boots? My old lady cart?), and that is kind of how I feel about remakes. People, of course, will steal anything if given half the chance. And Hollywood will eventually remake your mom. From the Hollywood Reporter:

Bradley Cooper is in early negotiations to star in Relativity’s remake of The Crow, being directed by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo.

In the adaptation of the gritty black-and-white indie comic by artist James O’Barr, Cooper will play a rock musician who is murdered while trying to save his fiancée from thugs. He is resurrected by supernatural forces and seeks revenge. The role was originally played by Brandon Lee, who was killed by a freak accident during production in 1993.

Obviously, this is all so speculative that it’s barely even worth talking about. Except to point out that THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. If for no other reason than making jokes about The Crow is still, 100 years later, a hilarious thing to do (R.I.P. Brandon). And if this project goes through, then that will all be ruined. They’ll have to digitally remove the part where Rainn Wilson cites it has all three of his desert island movies on The Office, like when they had to digitally remove the World Trade Center from the background of the funeral scene in Zoolander. (That still makes me laugh more than most things. Thank goodness Zoolander did that and HEALED AMERICA.) Don’t do this, Hollywood. THINK OF ALL THE PRECIOUS BABY THE CROW JOKES THAT HAVE YET TO BE BORN!