Videogum Everywhere Mission: NO APRIL FOOL’S PRANKS!

Ugh, pranks. They’re the worst! For one thing, they are rude and mean-spirited and they play on people’s natural tendencies towards decency and trust, not to mention the innate human desire for connection. “Oh, you want so badly to believe that you are not alone in this absurd world full of pain and suffering that you’re actually willing to believe something that I told you just because we have established years of friendship? Well now there is a bucket on your head, or whatever.” Pranks. The only thing worse than a straight-up prank is a covert, top secret prank that is so cloaked in dishonesty that it won’t even admit it is a prank. I’m talking, of course, about Improv Everywhere. Those guys. This year’s April Fool’s prank is one of the worst yet! Hey, you know what, some people LIKE pranks. Chet Haze’s dad, Tom Pranks, for example, huge prankhead. (See also: Brad Pitt, who is a well-known Prankosaurus.) It’s OK to like pranks. I mean, you are a child if you do? Because the only people who like pranks are children? Because children’s skulls haven’t fused, so they’re very susceptible to being into terrible things, and also children are cruel. They have no reason not to be, they live in a world where consequences are, like, “no dessert,” so not real consequences*. But if you like pranks, at least admit that you like pranks. And that everything you do is actually a prank, even if you call it something pretentious. We have been over all of this before. But since today is their big day, it seemed worth remembering.

OUR agents, the Videogum Everywhere agents, are being tasked with a VERY special mission today: don’t prank anybody. Whether you are on a movie set or at a banana peel factory, hold it together. Keep to yourself. Prank no one. The greatest prank the Videogum Everywhere agents ever pulled was making people believe that they hadn’t been pranked because they hadn’t, because we don’t want to bother anyone with that nonsense. People are just trying to go about their business, so let’s let them do that! Remember the Videogum Everywhere mission statement: to bring joy to people’s lives by LEAVING THEM ALONE.

*I’m not talking about, like, poor children with fucked up families or, even worse, foreign children. Those guys are Consequences Experts. Which is why it’s so funny to put the sheets on those idiots’ beds wrong, am I right?