I don’t watch American Idol. For one thing, I am 59 years old, and my grandchildren don’t WANT to have something to relate to me about. Second of all, as far as I am concerned, we already have an American Idol and her name is Kelly Clarkson so what are we even DOING here? Just walk away! Anyway, I guess Simon Cowell left the show because he wanted to spend more time with his silk v-neck t-shirts? And obviously we all know what happened to Paula Abdul (R.I.P. Paula! You are in heaven now, complaining to the angels about how you got fired from the Bratz movie). So this year’s new judges are Ben Affleck’s ex-girlfriend, Jennifer Lopez, star of Enough, and Liv Tyler’s father, Steven Tyler, who I think is a spokesman for a luxury line of full-body leather suits? Including leather face masks? I don’t know, I wouldn’t know, because I don’t watch this show. [Insert Brian Dunkleman joke here.] Sorry, AMERICA. All of that being said, it has come to my attention that this year’s 13 finalists have been selected! Congratulations to them! Let’s talk about their chances in this year’s competition based on exactly zero information. I don’t even know what they look like much less how they sound, so this is going to be a pretty good use of all of our time!
Scotty McCreery: With his deep, soulful voice (?) Scotty is going to do pretty well in the competition, but it’s going to be interesting to see if he can break out of his…shell?
Jacob Lusk: Jacob is already a real hit with female fans…probably…but can he win over…is that enough for him to…sing?
Casey Abrams: Good luck to this young competitor who could be a boy or a girl for all I know!
Paul McDonald: Paul’s journey of transformation will be reminiscent of Clay Aiken, who went from golden-voiced dweeb to teenage heart throb. Or he will have a completely different journey of transformation based on wildly different preconceived notions of him of which I am unaware.
James Durbin: James Durbin will probably be eliminated in the next episode, right, you guys? That’s just classic James Durbin for you.
Lauren Alaina: Lauren is going to prove to America that she’s more than just a pretty face. (This assumes that she has a pretty face. Not sure.)
Pia Toscano: Pia Toscano heartfelt story about her young son…or her…sick…dad…will gain her a lot of sympathy with the audience, but ultimately this is a competition about…singing (?)…and not about who has the most compelling backstory.
Karen Rodriguez: Karen Rodriguez will win American Idol season 10.
Thia Megia: Thia has a great set of pipes on her, but will the pipes get in the way of her singing? They look heavy!
Haley Reinhart: Haley’s LIVE death on-stage will shock viewers at first, but eventually people will come to realize that this is the inevitable direction of modern entertainment, and will be surprised to find how quickly they come to expect live deaths in all of their meritocratic talent-based elimination reality shows.
Ashton Jones: This good ol’ boy will shed his human skin and declare the approaching invasion of highly-skilled space predators from his home planet, but will it be enough to convince the judges?!
Stefano Langone: New York’s hottest American Idol contestant is Stefano. He’s got everything: a full booger bar, a weaponized-dolphin tank, a Breckin Meyer poetry slam, and dog shoes.
Naima Adedapo: Who?