Beware The Chemtrails Of … February

You know those seemingly innocuous lines planes leave in the sky? Well, you probably thought you knew them. I mean, you’ve seen them your whole life. They were even kind of cool when you were a kid. Turns out they were fooling us all along. Trying to get us to trust them with things like sky writing marriage proposals and air and water shows, when it’s been a ploy to control the weather AND THE WORLD the whole time.

Look, this may seem like a pack of charmingly diverse crazy people walking in formation at a park just thrilled to have a legitimate (?) platform on which to share their unfounded conspiracies, but this hits kind of close to home for me! I grew up near Chicago’s Midway airport witnessing these chemtrails for 17 years! What of my health? What of the weather? I’m worried!

So I Googled (sorry, Glenn Beck!) chemtrails and autocomplete confirmed my suspicions.

THE CHEMTRAIL HEADQUARTERS MUST BE HERE! The second Google search result for chemtrails is a site published in 2002 – which is like 100 years ago in internet time. And the related searches are just eerie!

That doesn’t inspire much confidence! New World Order? Weather control? BECK?!?!? I don’t know what sylphs and haarp are, but they sound like things aliens would say. I mean… did you guys SEE The Arrival??? I’m not saying there are aliens with backwards knees terraforming – or “geoengineering” (enough with the euphemisms, CBS ATLANTA!) – the planet, but I’d just like some reassurance.

Then again, there’s a guy at the park near my house who’s got some interesting theories about pigeons – swearing at them, specifically. Until I can get my local affiliate on that story, make sure to send your chemtrail photos (and shirtless photos?) to CBS Atlanta. They’re doing the big work.