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Glee S02E13: Always Say Never, the Justin Bieber 2D Experience

Justin Bieber week on Glee you guuuuuuys!!!!! Not for me. Actually the episode wasn’t so bad at all, but of all the theme weeks so far (Gaga, Madonna, Britney, mash-ups, “funk”), this was the first one where I myself was not one of the fans they were addressing with their screaming. I’m not a big Bieber head, which is totally surprising. I mean–he’s fine, the end. Just not for me, really. I support the fact that he exists, I see the appeal, his songs are catchy. He’s such an easy target for fandom and for hatred it’s almost like ‘what’s the point?’ Why weigh in? That’s what the rest of the population of the world is for. He don’t need me (my hair doesn’t make that shape, my body has too many circles in it to dress like that), but I guess he do need Glee, so let him have it for a week. The episode had plenty of good laughs, Mercedes finally sang a fucking song (or at least half of one (I’ll take it!)), and you know what? Santana’s writing staff is still fucking KILLING IT–whoever turned Brittany the Perfect from dancing extra to Oscar Winning Comedienne has clearly moved one cubicle over to Santana camp, and the results are alarming: RING THE ALARM, SANTANA IS SO FUNNY. Oh, and SPOILER ALERT: Kurt is not in this episode for even 1 second, and neither is Blaine. I hope they enjoyed their much-deserved week off. I missed them but also, I suck:)The episode begins in Schue’s Spanish class, where so many Gleetards study the proper way to say “the music, it drives me” in the passive voice. Suddenly Emma comes running in with an emergency (she’s out of bleach to gargle and Purell for her contact lenses!)–Sue’s “committed suicide” after her failure to take over the world with her Cheerios army. Her method was simple and not effective: O.D. on gummy vitamins and stop her own pulse using tricks she learned from the C.I.A. Schue is not impressed.

Meanwhile, Quinn is still choosing between Naked Sam and Finn, and her <3 is confused. Sam wants to take her on a date to Color Me Mine, the paint-your-own-pottery chain, and she’s like whaaaaaa? She’s also still lying about kissing Finn and getting mono last week. She’s telling Naked Sam that she didn’t kiss Finn per se, she mouth-to-mouth-ed a gumball out of his monkey throat to save his chimp life. Naked Sam believes it (she would), but still wants to win Quinn’s 10lb eyelashes <3 for keeps; and he knows the only way to make a girl love you (besides showing her how good you are at hunting) is through Rock & Roll. Hence: he will channel Justin Bieber? They were sarcastic enough about this set-up to let me know they’re not gleetarded.

Naked Sam needs some practice before he screams Justin Bieber sounds at Quinn for the first time, so he decides to make his small stage debut at some Bat Mitzvah in Ohio. After just a couple timid burps of Bieber-air, all the tweenage girls fucking CUM, and Naked Sam knows he’s onto something.

Oh, and technically, I think this episode is all about ‘comebacks’ (Justin Bieber’s cumback is skedjoold 4 2069); so, in that spirit, Rachel is staging her cumback (from being dumped and being insufferable before?) now and her next incarnation is going to be FASHION ICON. Ok! She’s employing Brittany the Perfect to wear her FASHIONCONCEPTIDEAS through the halls of McKinley, but Brittany the Perfect fucks it up right out the gate by wearing Rachel’s HAUTECOUTURE legwarmers on her ARMZ. Brittany the Perfect’s explanation: “I wore a tank-top today because I thought it was summer. No one ever taught me how to read a calendar.” Werx 4 me.

LOLZ. Anyway, Sue’s depression is turning into Emma-level mania, so she has a sit-down-and-chat with Emma and Schue about how to stop being insane. Sue shares that the only thing that’s made her happy lately was hearing “I’ve Never Been to Me” by Charlene in her LeCar and singing along. That song EXISTS:

Emma suggests that Sue join Nude Erections for a week, since she loves screaming vagina-songs to soothe her own soul-ego–seems like a natural fit. Schue and the Gleetards h8 the idea, which happens right away.

Hey assholes, it’s GLEEGIONALS time agaaaaaaaaaaaaain, or at least time to talk about it. This year Nude Erections is up against Aural Intensity again, and the theme is ANTHEMS. Neato. Brittany the Perfect thinks anthems are the things at the bottom of ants’ pants. <3. Naked Sam knows exactly what anthems are, so he solo-screams “Baby” by Justin Bieber:

The choreography is SO BIEBER, and Naked Sam sells the hell out of it, I guess. Like I said: not for me… But it IS for every girl in the room, and world–EVERY girl in Nude Erections ejaculates SOFUCKINGHARD over the performance. Even Sue is impressed, though she keeps calling Naked Sam “her” and other female things. Ha.

The boyz in Nude Erections realize that Sam is ONTO SOME SHIT once they see their girlfriends riding his song-breath like it’s the best shit they’ve ever ridden. See, all of their relationships are kind of a letdown post-Valentine’s, and they could use a hot-Bieb injection (you won’t feel a thing). Tina’s playing Angry Birds instead of using Mike’s abs as an altar for all her sex-spells, and other shit’s happening too to other couples, probably. So Puck, Mike, and Artie want in on Naked Sam’s Bieber thing; Finn doesn’t, he thinks he can get Quinn without Bieber’s help (GOODLUCK).

Brit’s arm-legwarmers catch on HARD at McKinley, and Rachel is PISS’D. She wants the money she paid Brittany the Perfect for being her IRL-model back, but:

“It’s already gone. My uncle lost his job and his goat was going hungry, so I spent it on food for the goat. I mean, sort of. The goat just ate the money.”–Brittany the Perfect on Rachel’s allowance.

Rachel demands that Brittany the Perfect make it up to her by dressing in FULL REALNESS Rachel drag tomorrow, so everyone will see how trendy and important Rachel is?

Sue’s back to journaling, and we learn that this whole suicide——->joining Nude Erections thing was all part of her master plan to destroy Nude Erections for good? Still doing that, huh? Good 4 u, Sue… Since step one is cumplete, she moves on to step two: destroy shit from the inside out (it’s CALLED kimchi Sue, look it up). She goes and asks both Mercedes and Rachel for advice on how to be a diva extraordinaire, then tells each of them that the other one was talking about about them behind their backs. SHAKESPEARE. Mercedes and Rachel totes fall for it, and declare A DIVA-OFF at gleehearsal tomorrow. FUCKING FINALLY.

Then there was a Ted Williams Kraft Mac & Cheese commercial on, and maaaaaybe it was the weed talking, but, like, is this little girl CGI’d?

Aaaanyjiz, Finn asks Quinn out for Friday night, and she’s like “IDK, k?” Then it’s time for all the non-Finn Nude Erection boyz to sing their Bieber-drag gang-anthem. Yoof, me not like this one (song’s fine, not into the matchy-matchy boyband aesthetic used (don’t get me wrong, I <3 the matchy-matchy boyband aesthetic usually, but this, I don’t know…)):

Lauren’s not super impressed, but a little impressed, says she’ll keep Puck posted. So, last week I tried to really ignore all the on-show digs at Lauren’s appearance because there honestly didn’t seem to be as many as there might’ve been. Also, because I really like that she get’s really funny lines, and has a sexual plotline, and the character seems to be super confident. But, a week later with the same shit happening, it’s definitely setting in that it’s sucky to create a character who you’re supposed to think is all strong and cool DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE’S NOT SKINNY. Like … we get it, our eyes work, we know what she looks like. So, do we really need to dwell on that shit with words? Couldn’t she just BE all confident and funny and sexually dominant without the script reminding us constantly that that is all IN SPITE OF THE FACTS that our eyes are taking in? There were definitely a bunch of Monster comments about Glee being all up in arms about gay bullying but then being total body-type bullies themselves (they did it to Mercedes and Bieste f’real), and this week seemed a lot worse in that regard than last week. Not the end of the world though, NOR THE END OF THE EPISODE, so…

Quinn shoots Finn down, and confirms her d8 with Naked Sam at Color Me Mine. Then Santana hits on Naked Sam? Then Quinn explains to Finn why she shot him down? Something about Naked Sam being “so shameless” it’s “sexy.” WOOF. More like so “hairless” it’s “marketable.” Synonyms…

Puck shows up at Lauren’s wrestling practice and watches her do her thaaaaaaang.

It gives Puck a mile-high bone seeing Lauren slam dudes into the ground. He wants to get SLAMMED into the ground by Lauren, but Lauren just wants to chat. She really wants to sing a song by herself this week in gleehearsal, but she’s nervous. Puck suggests imaginationing everyone into their underpants, the most original shit in history.

Then it’s gleehearsal time, and even Finn is in Bieber drag now because he’s really impressed with Bieber’s YouTube stats? NOW IT’S TIME FOR THE DIVA-OFF, RACHEL V. MERCEDES. They scream “Take Me or Leave Me” from Rent:

IMHO, Mercedes is the clear winner, on two vital criteria: she DOMINATES Rachel at the speak-singing parts (very important to diva-dom, and a hard skill to pull off), and her screaming has that certain scratch-in-the-throat that signifies she’s been screaming all day and night, and isn’t gonna quit ’til the 2012 shit goes DOWN. Adorably, though, the diva-off ends with Rachel and Mercedes being totally in love with each other’s masterful scream-skills (aw), much to Sue’s disappointment.

UGH, then there was a commercial for Justin Timberlake playing a booger on the next episode of The Cleveland Show. Very cool.

Schue takes Sue on a little field trip to the pediatric cancer ward at the local hospital to show her the true power of music for goodness (as if Rachel and Mercedes hadn’t just shown her that). There, they sing “This Little Light of Mine” with Schue on uke, and a choir of cancer-having kids on harmony:

Cute? Too much? I’m kind of at a loss…

Then, cumback-ing to that Rachel/Brittany the Perfect fashion plotline from a million seconds ago, Rachel’s signature look (horny Episcopalian 2nd grader with something on her mind) is ALL THE RAGE at McKinley, but Brittany the Perfect is getting all the credit for it! You know that shit’s not gonna fly with Miss Rachel. Rachel confronts Brittany the Perfect about it, but Brittany’s all “I have to go give an interview to The Sartorialist, ” and “listen, Rachel, I’m gonna give you some tough love right now. You’re not a trendsetter. When people look at you, they don’t see what you’re wearing. They see a cat getting its temperature taken, and then they hear it screaming.” LOLZ, :( !

Time for Lauren’s big solo debut. She sings “I Know What Boys Like” by The Waitresses, shyly at first, then boldly once she underpants-imagines all the gleetards:

Maj propz to the wardrobe department for that lingerie shot!!!!!!!

Lauren’s not much of a singer… Do you think Glee accidentally hired an actress instead of a triple threat?? I guess she’s kind of a double-threat because her dancing is pretty fucking great, actually. All the boyz in Nude Erections produce MAJOR WOOD for her performance, and all the girls are like “huh?” So … she’s kind of like the girl Bieber.

Santana has a sit-down-and-talk with Naked Sam, where she is SUCH a hilarious bitch, it’s unreal. Re: Naked Sam’s AMAZING James Earl Jones impression: “okay, that’s offensive, he shot Martin Luther King.” WOW. Also:

“Despite the fact that your mouth-to-face ratio is way off, you still somehow manage to be cute. But, make no mistake: every time you open your humongous mouth to do an impression or moisten an enormous stamp for a lazy giant, you take one step closer to everyone seeing that you are actually a dork. Which is where I come in. I hereby offer my services as a mistress. I wants ON them froggy lips, and I wants on ‘em now. [Quinn] cheated on you… Look, I know you’re as dumb as a bag of wet hair, but you know in your heart she’s lying. That gumball story was insane. You’re choosing to believe it so you can still be with her. But, consider my offer. Not only am I giving you full visitation rights to the set of rambunctious twins that live on my ribcage, you get the chance to show that pastry bag Finn that he can’t mess with Sam Evans. And not just because you can unlock your humongous jaw and swallow him whole like a python, but because you have some buzz at this school. Think about it.”–Santana FTW, 2 weeks running.

Time for Sue’s big anthem: “Sing!” by My Romantic Chemical Dependency, with all the gleetards AND her in full, plaid outfits, just screaming their nuts empty:

Never heard that song before, never will again. Loved the fucking wardrobe-werk on that sequence though. TRUTH.

Naked Sam dumps Quinn for Santana, and Quinn’s truck tire eyelashes almost get wet by liar-tears. Then in gleehearsal, Naked Sam and Santana are all cuddly. Rachel suggests that maybe Nude Erections should write an ORIGINAL anthem for gleegionals, but everyone else votes for her to shut up.

Then suddenly, Sue is a big bitch again: she picked up a part-time job as the director for Aural Intensity?

What?! Ugh. Shut up (DON’T EVER SHUT UP, GLEE, IT’S SO QUIET IN HERE).

Then Finn tells Rachel that he thinks she should write an original anthem for gleegionals, and she’s touched because he believes in her with all his orangutan<3.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK THE TITLE TO RACHEL’S ORIGINAL ANTHEM FOR GLEEGIONALS IS GOING TO BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE????????!!!!!!!?????????!!!!!!!!!??????????!!!!!!!!!!

Aaaaand, that was it. Not bad! Very quotable, funny enough and a couple of good numbers (I liked “Baby” by Naked Sam and the Rachel/Mercedes duet for suuuure).

Next week: all the kids get drunk, and so do the grownups. FUN! I love to get drunk!