I’d Hit That: Oscar Edition

Check it out, y’all! “I’d Hit That” is coming to the big screen. (See what I did there? You see.) For those of you who aren’t familiar with “I’d Hit That”, it is a feature I write for MOBFD, the Monster blog, in which I go in to detail of what celebrity men I would like to have sexual relations with and why I would like to do so.

In this very special edition, we are going to the Oscars! As I am sure you all know, the Academy Awards are upon us. Now, you may not give two hoots about what’s nominated and who will win, but I will tell you something you should be give a care about, friends. That’s all the hot guys that will be walking the red carpet in form-fitting tuxes.

I am here to tell you about the five sexiest men I would bang who are nominated in either the Best Actor or the Best Supporting Actor categories. Let’s count it down!

5.) Mark Ruffalo, Best Supporting Actor, The Kids Are All Right

Doesn’t he just seem like he is the nicest guy? For realsies, this is a fella that you can take home to mom. He will treat you right in all the ways that matter, such as: getting you a spa day for V-Day just so you can have some YOU time, taking you out to a fancy restaurant every Saturday for date night, buying you flowers just because, and he will hold your hair for you when you perform that “special act.” Mark looks great clean-shaven, but what really gets me going is the rugged manly look he adopts from time-to-time. I think he probably has a wild side…

4.) Jesse Eisenberg, Best Actor, The Social Network

Jesse is just a plain old cutie pie nerd. I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for nerds (obviously, I hang out with you nerds all day on blog!). I don’t know if his awkward funny guy routine is just a shtick or if that is what he is really like, but either way I feel like I could teach him a thing or two in the bedroom and that’s kind of hot.

3.) Christian Bale, Best Supporting Actor, The Fighter

Ah, Christian Bale. He is super dreamy and an awesome actor. When he is not looking all manorexic for a role, he has an impressive bod that he is working with. Totes swoon-worthy. He is also Welsh which is pretty much where it’s at. That accent is amazing, it makes me want to drop my panties. I like to imagine him saying, “Yes, Bale, of the Haverfordwest, Pembrokeshire Bales.” He seems to have anger issues that might come in handy in when he’s putting it to me. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?!

2.) James Franco, Best Actor, 127 Hours

Where do I even begin with this hot motherfucker?! I think I know…the smile. This guy has a smile that could cause a million ladies to die in one fell swoop. He seems like he is a total weirdo which I find intriguing. With that said, he is definitely not relationship material, but Jesus, Mary and Joseph would he make a good fuck buddy. He is always trying new experiences in life and I imagine the same thing goes for new experiences in between the sheets. Did I mention that his smile gives me a lady boner?

1.) Ryan Gosling, Best Actor, Blue Valentine

SURPRISE! Did you really think I would do a countdown of hot guys and not make R-Gos #1?! YOU DID?! LOL! YOU’RE AN IDIOT!

You don’t have to tell me, I already know. He wasn’t even nominated, but he really should have been! He was robbed, I tell you…ROBBED! Blue Valentine was amazing, and he was the bee’s knees in it. His co-star Michelle Williams was nominated, so why was he snubbed?! I would like to NOT thank the Academy for this one.

Now, let’s talk about why I love this man and want to have his babies and take his dog George on daily walks. First, what an actor! I am super serial when I say that he is one of the best actors of this generation. All his films are extraordinary…even The Notebook! Not only is he a talented actor, but he is a talented musician too. I just want to jump his Dead Man’s Bones (WIIIIINK!).

Most importantly though, he is tremendously sexy. He looks fantastic with scruff. In fact, the more scruff the better. If you have seen Blue Valentine, you know that he has a receding hairline in some parts of the movie. Even with a receding hairline, I want to do this guy. Just seeing his face gives me unnatural thoughts. He is the most beautiful human being to ever walk this Earth. End of story!

Good luck to all the nominees on February 27th! Let’s hope one or more of these pieces of man meat win so they get some screen time.