The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Splice

I will say this about Splice: it is gross, and it is trash, and I didn’t really like it very much personally, but beyond that I’m not sure there is that much to say. It seems like some people really like this movie and some people really hate it, and both of those opinions, while fair enough in the way that all opinions are fair enough always, seem kind of exaggerated. Loving Splice is like loving Pitch Black. I mean, sure, love whatever you want, but you know that Pitch Black is stupid garbage, right? Meanwhile, hating Splice is like hating The Town. You “hate” The Town? Take it easy on The Town. There’s just no reason to hate The Town as much as you do. Admittedly, neither of these examples are quite as disgusting as Splice, nor do either of them feature a SPOILER ALERT genetic mutant monster rape in the haunted forest, but you get the point. All in all it just felt like the movie should probably change its name to Shrug. Or Trashy Shrug. Better.

That being said, let’s talk about it a little. Not too much. Just enough.

Splice is about two scientists and t-shirt collectors who are also boyfriend and girlfriend. They run a science lab called Nucleic Exchange Research & Development. Or, you know, N.E.R.D. (I guess the acronym B.O.O. was already taken.) Their job is to combine horse and plant DNA (or something? This part, like all of the science in the movie, and also all of the science on the TV show Fringe, is casually brushed off. I’m sure it’s based in some very serious reality, though, we’re probably just too STUPID to get it) to make these penis slug monsters that create proteins that can be used to treat sick cows. Honestly, I don’t really know. I think that’s their job? But they still live in a small apartment? Anyway, they tell their bosses at the pharmaceutical company that they’re ready to take things to the next level and splice their horse/bird/flower/bumblebee DNA with a human DNA. The parent company says no, because of morality. Hahha. There are a couple parts like this in the movie where someone’s just like “you have to think about the moral questions of doing this,” and then someone else is like “CTRL-ALT-DELETE!” Anyway, these two lovers are not about to stop their important research just because some SUIT tells them to, so they go back to the lab and put on their iTunes (seriously, there’s like a whole scene that is just them trying to pick the right playlist) and now they are ready to make a Splice baby. For about 10 minutes they can’t make one, but then they totally make one. Huh. That was easy enough. Congratulations! You are the two proud parents of a Splice!

Adrien Brody is like “We shouldn’t make a Splice for real, though,” and Sarah Polley is like “But I bought this Splice sized dress!”

Eventually the Splice gets really big and so they hide the Splice in a barn. Meanwhile, at the big investors presentation, the two penis slug monsters fuck each other with needles to death and spray Gallagher blood on all the SUITS and so now the project is being shut down and no one can get the medicines for the sick cows!!! (Apparently this happens because the penis slug monsters turn into boy penis slug monsters? So….SCIENCE?!) Meanwhile, Red Bull gives the Splice wings. Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley get into a fight because Adrien Brody has always wanted to have kids, but Sarah Polley was always kind of cagey on the subject, and now he’s like “The reason you’ve always been cagey is because YOU DIDN’T WANT A NORMAL BABY!” Hahah. Whoa! I didn’t know that was a thing, ladies. Do some of you reject the idea of sacrificing your careers and aspirations to be a mother of a boring old human baby, but welcome the thought of bringing a Splice into the world? As it turns out, Sarah Polley is a pretty weird mom, so maybe it’s best that her baby is a Jim Henson monster. Like, she straps her to a table and cuts off her stinger tail while wearing a leather butcher’s apron? (Oh, she has a stinger tail, btw.) Yikes. GET OUT OF MY BARN, MOM! Anyway, if there are any children in the room, please cover their eyes and ears and don’t ever teach them how to read or use a DVD player just in case, because what happens next is that Adrien Brody comes home and FUCKS THE SPLICE!!!!!! Yuuuuuuuck. That’s a dealbreaker, ladies! Sarah Polley walks in and catches him. Whoops! I hope they don’t break up? Just kidding, who cares if they break up? They’re both nightmares. I do like, though, that instead of apologizing, exactly, Adrien Brody explains that he fucked the Splice because “we changed the rules.” THAT IS ONE (ridiculous and disgusting) WAY TO SEE THINGS, SIR.

They make up (?) and go back to the barn, but the Splice is dead. So, they bury the Splice and immediately burn all of the Splice’s stuff in a fire, you know, like how parents are (post child-fuck? Good God with this movie now that I have to put it into words) but the Splice isn’t dead after all. It’s alive! But also it’s a boy Splice now? And instead of a (very fuckable) Splice vagina, it now has a very rape-y Splice dick? And it rapes Sarah Polley? HELP ME SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME MY EYES GOT STABBED OUT SOMEHOW COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING NOT NECESSARILY JUST THIS PEN IN MY HAND! The only words that the Splice says in the whole movie are “me put me inside you” or whatever. I do like to imagine the actor sitting in his trailer all day practicing. “Me put me inside you.” “Me put me inside you.” The Splice falls in the lake. The Splice gets out of the lake. The Splice kills Adrien Brody with its stinger. Sarah Polley kills the Splice with a rock to the dome.

Now she has a baby inside her and the Splice is the dad? And it turns out that the mean lady from the pharmaceutical company was her mom the whole time? And she’s excited to be a grandma of a new Splice? Congrats. Nurse, have a barf-flavored cigar!

Like I said, it’s just yucky garbage. I mean, the movie doesn’t have anything interesting to say about the moral implications of genetic engineering or anything. In the real world, genetic engineering is a complicated subject involving actual science and moral questions, but I’m pretty sure the issue isn’t that genetic engineering is going to lead to a lot of barn fucking with monsters? Much less being raped by them on the floor of a spooky forest because they were a lady but now they are a guy and oh no, did they just murder our boyfriends in the forest?! But I thought we had strapped them to a table and amputated their stinger tail but it turns out when you amputate a stinger tail, it just grows back right away! Huh? Splice Law! (Although, if genetic engineering ever DOES lead to an increase in barn monster sex and spooky forest monster rapes, I will be the first to publicly condemn it.) And it’s not very scary. Nor is it, as one person told me over Twitter, “sexy as hell.” Yikes. Huh? Being sexually attracted to the Splice is like being sexually attracted to Ms. Pacman.

The only real takeaway from the movie is that Adrien Brody is apparently the White Cuba Gooding Jr. Splice is his Snow Dogs. Your Snow Dogs is even worse than regular Snow Dogs, Adrien Brody!

Next time: I’m Still Here. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.