[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.]
“Great game, countrymen. Ah, say, what show is starting now? Let’s watch.”—Fox’s Impression of What American Might Be Like
Soooooooo… What the fuck was that? Was that supposed to be a long commercial for Glee aimed at people who have never seen the show before and probably aren’t interested in it in the first place? Because if so: NOPE. Mission failed. After sitting through the whole Super Bowl (it was good!), even I wasn’t in the mood for Glee, and I’m in the mood for Glee during Glee. Like when Glee is playing, I’m thinking “I could totally watch some Glee right now.” But last night, after just a couple minutes of Glee I realized that not only wasn’t the episode for me, but it was fucking terrible. Not funny. Bad songs. Annoying! Cool first impression on the Super Bowl crowd, Glee. You dropped the ball harder than when The Black Eyed Peas forgot to sing “Meet Me Halfway,” and sang all those other songs instead (and live?!). Of the night’s commercials, this episode of Glee was my second-to-least-favorite, second only to this Kia bomb:
…great! Now I hate Aztecs?
Don’t you think you already gayed-up the night enough by having Christina Aguilera scream the national anthem? Everyone’s saying she fucked it up, but I thought it was pretty good:
…sorry, too easy. Ugh, why didn’t Fox just clip that 3 min of NBC programming from 2006 and show it on loop for an hour? Stupid laws…
Right, okay, so time to Gleecap that shitbomb? I guess it’s important to keep in mind that there’s another new episode on tomorrow night, so technically, we can all forget this ever happened and pretend the second season is coming back from hiatus on Tuesday? Because, in the end, nothing permanent or new even happened last night. Plot-wise, it was totally stand-alone, wrapped up back at square one by the end credits, like a Simpsons episode (minus jokes and <3).
The episode starts in Cheerio’s rehearsal—the cheerleaders are wearing Katy Perry wigs and jumping around to “California Gurls” while random BMX dudes do flips and tons of fire flies around. Sue’s bored by the spectacle and wants more. She does a little soul-searching/journaling (always good for a joke)—she reveals that her doctor has her on raccoon hormones, she’s 31-years-old, and has a back tattoo of herself with her name spelled wrong (“Sue Syvlester”). Funny enough. Goodbye jokes for the rest of the time! Anyway, she decides the only thing that’ll make her Cheerio’s routine good enough in her eyes is a human cannon.
Meanwhile, the football team sucks. Finn sucks and fucks up some plays, and the rest of the team also sucks and fucks up some plays. FOOTBALL BULL 3 focuses his hatred-horniness on Finn (ape bottom? yeah right), and the team morale goes to shit. Coach Bieste and Schue (he’s the football team’s helmet specialist: “just a bottle of Garnier Fructis Nectarine White Ginger Pommade Spray before kick off will do ya”—Schue) decide to overcum the bullying once and for all by forcing all the FOOTBALL BULLIES to be in Nude Erections for a week. Ugh. No one likes the idea on the show, or in the audience (speaking for myself here).
Rachel and Puck try and show all the FOOTBALL BULLIES that Glee is super chill and masculine, so they scream “Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum:
Yuck. One of the FOOTBALL BULLIES calls Puck a girl so he tries to murder him with an acoustic guitar.
Sue starts wearing a STUNNING NEW LOOK by Adidas—the highlight of the episode FOR SURE.
She tries to force Brittany the Perfect to be the human cannonball, but she doesn’t want to be. They test the cannon with a mannequin inside and it gets blown to pieces. Then, they don’t sing “Cannonball” by The Breeders, which is nuts:
Principal Figgins takes Sue’s cannon away from her because it’s so fucking dangerous, which sends her into a rage. She trashes his secretary’s office, and then the boys’ lockerroom (NAKED SAM IS GOING TO BE DEVASTATED THAT YOU SULLIED HIS FAVORITE HANGOUT AREA IN OHIO). It’s funny, okay? I’ll admit that I enjoyed seeing Sue throw stuff around.
Then shit started to confuse me (doctors recommend having 10 bourbon-and-Coke-Zero’s an hour, yeah?): Sue moves the date for the Cheerios’ big competition to be the same night as the big football game? So Santana and Quinn and Brittany have to choose between Nude Erections and Cheerio’s (for a change?)? And so do the football players maybe? To entice them to stay, Schue announces that at halftime they’re going to be screaming a mash-up of “Thriller” and “Heads Will Roll” by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs? And then he talks about that “Thriller” YouTube video from a jail from a million years ago?
Then Nude Erections and the FOOTBALL BULLIES have the worst rehearsal ever? Mike and Artie do a little “dance comedy,” which is the worst. Then Schue pulls FOOTBALL BULLY 3 aside and tells him how secretly good at Glee-ing he is? So FOOTBALL BULL 3 goes home to his big moose-hide closet, locks the door, and tries to finger the gayness out of his anus for 9 hours?
Then Quinn, Santana, and Brittany officially quit Nude Erections? So Finn yells at Quinn, and then Naked Sam sticks up for her and yells at Finn? And then all the boys in the whole school put on zombie makeup and scream “She’s Not There” by The Zombies?
And then the hockey team bullies the football team? And Slurpees them?
Then we’re off to Delicious Boymeat Academy, FINALLY. Oh, to be a fly on the wall during the meeting to decide exactly what percent of the Super Bowl episode was allowed to be about Kurt… We jump right into an a capella version of “Bills, Bills, Bills” by Destiny’s Child (FINALLY), with Blaine as a young Beyonce:
Great song, completely off base. You’ll RARELY find me complaining about Destiny’s Child (save for each girl’s individual Twitter feed, which read like the to-do lists of international manicure critics), but like—why now? Why are they singing that song right now? Nothing means anything today? Nothing matters?
Then Blaine and Kurt “do coffee” with Rachel and Mercedes to talk about some shit. Then Rachel and Mercedes and Tina and Lauren join the football team? Because of some reason?
And then at the game all the girls just lie down on the ground so no one touches them? (That’s my best cruising trick!) But then Tina picks up the ball and runs with it until she gets tackled, and everyone thinks she might be hurt but she’s not? And then Finn gets Quinn, Santana, and Brittany to quit Cheerio’s? And Puck makes sure all the FOOTBALL BULLIES will scream with Nude Erections during the halftime mashup? And then everyone screams the mashup together?
…and my watching buddy made the brilliant point that it would’ve been so much better if they’d just sang “Zombie” by The Cranberries:
And then the FOOTBALL BULLIES rejoin the football team, and keep their zombie makeup on for intimidation? And everyone chants “braaaains, braaaaains,” and the team wins?
Then Katie Couric interviews Sue about being a huge loser? And she tells Sue that Schue got her Cheerio’s budget to use for Nude Erections? Because … news? And then Katie Couric cracks a couple of jokes about the recession and Tiger Woods? Because UGH KILL ME?
Then FOOTBALL BULLY 3 is mean to Finn again? But Quinn is back in love with him? And then she kisses him? And then it’s over?
Oooopa, bad job. I guess some shit did change a little, plot-wise, now that I typed it all up. Quinn, Santana, and Brittany the Perfect aren’t Cheerio’s anymore; Quinn’s back in love with Finn even though she’s doing some HARDCORE ABSTINENCE shit with Naked Sam; Sue’s budget is small and Schue’s is big. Shudder: better luck tomorrow night!
(I still love you and always will.)