Close Reading The Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue Cover Photo

Vanity Fair has released its annual “Hollywood Issue,” complete with its annual “glossy photo of famous people slinking all over each other like they are about to do it, which maybe they are, although probably not, I mean, they’re just colleagues, most of them probably don’t even know each other, then again it’s not like you can’t do it with someone you don’t know that well, but they probably aren’t going to do it, but maybe!” Let’s take a look! (Click to enlarge.) (That is what she clicked.)

Cool bar, guys. Hey, where’s that bar? I’ve got other stuff to do, I’m like super busy, just curious. I figured maybe when my parents came to town, if I didn’t know where to take them, we could hit up that bar, what is it some kind of secret? (Cool bar. COOLEST bartender. LOL.) Anyway, let’s just do this one by one, that seems reasonable:

Ryan Reynolds: Perhaps not the person that I would but FIRST on the Hollywood issue? But he did spend upwards of 15-minutes in a coffin at a time without almost any snacks probably only a few snacks between takes, so, fair enough. He earned it. Also: Green Lantern, I guess? (Shrug.)

Jake Gyllenhaal: Prince of Persia? What is going on here. Jake Gyllenhaal is a good actor and he has a pretty face (no brokebacko) but he was exclusively in terrible movies this year? I know they didn’t put him on the front cover of the Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue because of Love and Other Drugs!

Anne Hathaway: HAHAHA THEY DID! THEY DID PUT JAKE GYLLENHAAL ON THE FRONT COVER BECAUSE OF LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS. Guys, I’m beginning to think that the Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue is ridiculous!

James Franco: Honest to God, for a second I thought that was John Leguizamo and I just assumed he was taking his annual spot on the Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue cover that he earned by playing the fat devil clown in Spawn. But no, James Franco makes sense. Hi, James Franco.

Jennifer Lawrence: Good. Yes. “One to watch.” “Cannot wait to watch her.” “Not in a creepy way.” “I mean, normal amount of creepy.” “That dress seems nice!” “I MEAN SHE SEEMS NICE!” “What are we talking about again?”

Anthony Mackie: You may remember Anthony Mackie from The Hurt Locker. In Hollywood, it’s important to capitalize on your momentum from meaningful roles in important movies. So look for Anthony Mackie in 2011 in Real Steel.

Olivia Wilde: Ms. Wilde, of course, is nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar this year for her role as “Computer Girlfriend” in Tron: Legacy.

Jesse Eisenberg: Duh.

Mila Kunis: Duh.

Robert Duvall: LOLOLLOLLLOLLLOLOL. They say that you die three times. First, when your body dies. Second, when everyone who knew you dies. And third, when your name is spoken out loud for the last time. But I think there is also a fourth time that you die, somewhere in there, which is when you are Robert Duvall and this picture was taken.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: A year ago, I probably would have made a joke about Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and I still think he was WAY too needy and flop-sweaty when he hosted Saturday Night Live, and I do not like (500) Days of Summer, but he was very good in Inception, so I am declaring a one year moratorium on Joseph Gordon-Levitt jokes. Congrats, Joe!

Andrew Garfield: Yup. Yes. Duly noted.

Rashida Jones: Haha. Look. I love Rashida Jones, and by that I mean I am IN LOVE WITH Rashida Jones. But why is she on this cover? For her role in The Social Network? No offense, but a Carl’s Jr. bag could have played that part. Wasn’t one of her lines “Do you want a sandwich?” or something? Oh wait, no, I remember why she’s on here. She was nominated for the Academy Award for Best Supporting MARRY ME. That’s it. Good luck, Rashida!

Garrett Hedlund: All joking aside, Garrett Hedlund is one of the worst actors in America. Let’s move on.

Noomi Rapace: Who? Egg? Her? (Just kidding. I know she is going to star in The Girl with The Beach Read Tattoo and that will make her the Yo-Landi Vi$$er of our generation.)

More like HollyWEIRD, right, you guys? (Via ONTD.)