Videogum

That’s Your Boyfriend: Bob Nelson

“Everyone’s got their different quirks, that’s what makes dating so much fun! It’s just so neat to meet a new person and really get to know them on an intimate level. Shut up, I don’t mean like that! I’m just saying, you can tell pretty quickly if they’re someone you actually want to spend time with, and once you jump that hurdle then what’s really fun is all the unexpected ways in which they surprise you and you learn to love them. Like, take my current boyfriend, Bob Nelson, just as an example. When we met, I knew he hated fags, obviously. That’s how he got a second date. But what I didn’t know was that he was capable of weaving these elaborate, nonsensical metaphors about how gay marriage was, like, money…I think? And how God is the National Treasury, right? And so, like, would God print gay money? Oh, it was just impossible. I mean, we’re talking real nonsense. I love it. I love him. I hope he straight marries me!”

–You

The YouTube description for this video says “You wouldn’t accept counterfeit money. You shouldn’t accept counterfeit marriage, either,” which is hilarious because yes I would. Probably. I bet I would. At the very least, I think we can agree that this whole thing is one of the most painfully inept metaphors ever made? He didn’t even rest his case! Although, to be fair to your boyfriend, Bob Nelson, I’m sure he actually does inspect every single dollar bill that passes through his hands. “You can never be too sure,” says Bob Nelson. “That is my motto: you can never be too sure, or too much of an asshole.” (Via BuzzFeed.)