I Honestly Hope The Spider-Man Musical Is Delayed Forever And Ever

Great news, you guys! The official opening of the Spider-Man musical has been delayed again! It had been postponed until February 7th and now it is supposedly going to open on March 15. Hahahahha. Oh man. This thing. It has been delayed so many times! It is called Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark, but it SHOULD be called Spider-Man: Turn ON The Laffs because of all the, you know, laffs. As we all know, it has already been parodied on Conan, and Saturday Night Live, and your mom’s cover of the New Yorker. Glenn Beck loves it. He wants to marry it. Classic Glenn Beck. Also, um, I am not sure if you guys watched the 60 Minutes special about this thing, but so, Julie Taymor is directing it, right? And U2 did the music, right? But so there is one point in the 60 Minutes piece where the host explains that for awhile it was unclear if the musical would ever happen at all, and then The Edge and Bono explain that the original producer had brought the contracts over to The Edge’s apartment to have U2 sign them, and then I guess The Edge went to the bathroom or something, and when he came back, THE PRODUCER WAS DEAD?! WAY TO BURY THE LEDE, 60 MINUTES. What I am definitely saying, and I will argue this in a court of law, is that Bono murdered the original producer of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark in The Edge’s apartment while The Edge was pooping. But also, can we all just agree that this whole thing is just the best? Please keep never opening forever and ever Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. I love it so much that you are not open and that you will never be open but that you keep saying you will open. The best show in town is the show of watching Spider-Man: The Dark Musical struggling so hard, killing everyone. Hilarious. They should change the name to McDonald’s: Turn Off the Dark because I’M LOVIN’ IT. What a terrible, wonderful mess!

Now THIS is entertainment! (Get it? You get it. These guys get it.)