That’s Your Girlfriend: Kesha The “Toilet Paper” Addict

“Look, there’s no easy way to say this, but I think we should break up. I know. I’m sorry. What? Oh come on, your dad never liked me that much anyway, I don’t think he’s going to be that upset that I’m not there this year. Well when would you have LIKED for us to break up? There’s never going to be a good time, but don’t I get credit for at least being honest? No, I agree, yes, things have actually been pretty good between us. In some ways I’m just as surprised as you are. Well, right, OK, no, sorry, but you know what I mean. The thing is, we’ve kind of been on this, like, trajectory, right? Like things got serious and have been serious for awhile now, and we’re sort of heading towards the things that serious people who are serious together head towards. But I was watching TLC the other day…what are you laughing at? No that is NOT just a channel for sad women. Well, you keep laughing at me while I keep explaining to you why we are BREAKING UP. I’m not yelling, it’s just frustrating when you’re trying to be serious with someone who you care and respect a lot–I do TOO care about you, that’s not what this is. Anyway, I was watching TLC the other day and there was this woman on there named Kesha who is addicted to eating toilet paper? Like, she keeps toilet paper in her purse and is just constantly eating toilet paper? She especially likes going to the movies because it’s dark in there and you can just eat toilet paper during the whole movie? But, so, I was watching this thing and I realized that that’s what I have been looking for in a woman. Babe, I’m so sorry. No! No, don’t you see? You couldn’t have fixed us just by eating toilet paper because you’re not a woman addicted to eating toilet paper, it would have just been window-dressing on a broken situation. But, obviously, now that I know what I am looking for I need to get out of this death trap and go find it goodbyeeee Merry Christmas LOLOL.”


I’ll admit that when Kesha acted like it was crazy that she would ever eat colored toilet paper because it has the dyes in it, I kind of understood what you see in her. She’s got a good sense of humor! (Thanks for the tip, Galen.)