Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Best Comments

Here we are at the end of yet another week. That seems to keep happening. Weird. Just kidding. I get it. “I get it, weeks.” — Gabe Delahaye. But also: it’s so dark outside! Have we talked about that yet? (Quick Poll: is talking about the time of day that the sun sets more or less boring than talking about the weather?) The other day I went outside and it was some straight up Sleepy Hollow shit. I wish my head WOULD fall off. (And I wish that I rode a horse around. It just seems noble.) And I will tell you something else: every year this happens and every year it is UPSETTING. Oh well. At least we have egg nog and pumpkin ice cream. Silver linings. Pumpkin linings. (I’m telling you, one Friday this post is just going to be a photo of me laid up in traction.) TGIFFFFFFFFFFF.

After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of the Julia Roberts Coffee Commercial Caption Contest, and the Editor’s Choice.

This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#5  lawblog | Nov 29th Score:114

Sometimes you’re in an airport and you want a Cinnabon, even though you know it is bad for you, so either you get it and you feel shitty for the next 2-4 hours or you don’t, and instead get a salad which you feel good about. However, you’ll always wonder what that Cinnabon would have tasted like, so you get angry at the salad and lash out at it for no reason.

In conclusion, love is exactly like an airport.

Posted in: The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Love Actually
#4  slothdrop | Nov 29th Score:117

So since I’m hispanic mine is Bat Man Man-Man Man Man.

Posted in: What Is Your Batman Name?
#3  huckabeast | Nov 29th Score:122

Awfully critical of someone who falls in love with a girl who doesn’t speak his language for a guy who just needs to ask Freida Pinto something real quick, aren’t we, Gabe?

Posted in: The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Love Actually
#1  Mans | Nov 30th Score:136

The Gift of the Magi
by Violent O. Henry

So there were these two ninjas. Got me. This one real fine bitch with long fucking hair that she had dyed all these different fucking colors. And so she was shacked up with this one motherfucker who fucking killed it on the XboX. They were really fucking happy, what with all the weed and meth and Faygo and waking up in their own vomit after a wild night of Faygo induced bumpin on a nedden hole.

So but okay see, the guy, this ninja lost his fucking job at Food Lion where he worked in the dairy because he tried to push a pallet of milk jugs over on the manager. But the manager looked like a fucking fag or some shit and always gave him shit about coming to work on time and shit so the fucker deserved it.

But shit, get this, his juggalette also lost her job. She worked at the fireplace/video rental place out near the highway. They fired her for no reason just because the place burned down after she left a blunt going on the counter top or something. Totally fucking bullshit.

But so Christmas or some shit came up and they were sad because they loved each other, or I don’t know whatever that feeling in your dong is, and so they really wanted to get some nice shit for each other, but they didn’t fucking have any fucking money and the dude’s mom wouldn’t give him no more because he spent the last money she gave him on weed rather than formula for the baby.

Oh, they also have a baby. I am so fucking stoned, I forgot to mention it. Damn, where did I put it. Fuck it, I am sure the baby is fine.

Anyway, so like, the girl got real drunk and passed out and he guy shaved her head and sold her hair to a clown wig maker and took the money and bought the new fucking Call of Duty game for his XboX. She didn’t notice because she was hung over the next morning and her scalp always felt like it had ants on it. While he was in the bathroom taking a dump, she took his XboX and sold it at the pawn show and bought some hair dye so she could get it looking good for the Winter Gathering in Orlando.

Well, after she did that, she tried to dye her air and realized she didn’t have any and then he came out of the bathroom, or something, and realized that his XboX was gone.

They realized what they had done and how they’d been able to give each other the greatest gift of all and decided to just burn the apartment building down.

I still don’t know what happened to the baby.

Posted in: Juggalo Toy Drive, You Guys

[Ed. note: I suppose it is getting tiresome at the end of each week, in the round up of the best comments, for me to just say “great comments” everyone, and yet what would you have me do? They ARE great comments! I would like to give a special honorable mention to the Mark Ruffalo fan fiction thread in which some commenters put together the Videogum’s 11 of Heist Crews.]

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment

unionman | Nov 29th Score:-48

Awesome. I love some good ole forefathers bashing in my pop culture blog. Super relevant stuff. If only our forefathers had the integrity and courage of rich, private school educated pop culture bloggers.

Posted in: The Walking Dead S01E05: CDCeez Nuts

[Ed. note: Haha. WHOA! I actually had to do some research on this one because at first I did not even know what was going on. Now, I could launch my defense, in which I explain that I’m not even sure I was making fun of America’s forefathers (not that I WOULDN’T) but more was just making a half-hearted joke about the fact that my family, much like the family of many Americans, came to this country long after it was settled, and therefore don’t have any kind of legacy-relationship to the revolutionary war outside of enjoying the results–oh and I could also point out that I am not rich and that I was educated in the public school system, but I’m sure that’s beside the point–but ultimately, there is very little use mounting any kind of serious explanation because the fact that someone is ANGRY ABOUT A JOKE ABOUT BENJAMIN FRANKLIN IS HILARIOUS. Like, I am going to make as many jokes about America’s forefathers as I possibly can just to piss Unionman off because it is the most entertaining.]

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

[Ed. note: Congratulations, Gangy. You earned it!]

This Week’s Editor’s Choice

[Ed. note: Two separate people TWEETED this comment because it is just a very funny comment, and I concur. It is as good as Ke$ha is awful. She’s very awful!]