[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.]
You may have noticed that there was no Gleecap last week, because America was busy giving Thanks for turkey guts and desserts and bus rides and High School friends who are so much weirder than you thought they used to be. So, what follows is a double dose of Gleetardation for your “enjoyment.” It is way too long, and way too involved, and so full of words and bullshit that the internet just might fall over under the weight of its nonsense. In that regard, I apologize. In every other regard: I do not.
Another week about Kurt and bullying! Cool? After last episode’s joke-a-thon with racism and GOOP a plenty, I guess it was technically time to get back down to bizniss. And down was the direction indeedy—way less funny, way less dazzling, way less everything than GOOP week. And when the fuck is Mercedes going to sing something already?! This was definitely not the worst episode, and at least one of the songs was pretty gr8, but with a guest star like Carol Burnett, playing Sue’s Nazi-hunting psycho-mom, I expected to be gasping for air between laughs, calling EMT’s to pull the Pad See Yew out of my throat, or to just zip me up in a bag for good. Buuuuut, not so much. This was not a hilarious episode, though not too melodramatic either; we saw a softer side to Sue and a cuter side to Finn, very little Rachel, tragically little Brittany the Perfect, and 1.5 weddings! Glee!
The episode, or shall I say meh-pisode, started out with Kurt’s Dad Burt from Guts and Finn’s mom showing up at school (THEY LOVE COMING TO SCHOOL!) to tell their sons that they’re engaged! Kurt is thrilled and ready to plan the wedding—he envisions a russet and cognac color scheme, and aaaall the Gleetards as the entertainment. Sounds very Eyes Wide Shut all around. Leelee Sobieski will be manning the chocolate fountain 4SUREZ. Kurt’s Dad Burt from Guts and Finn’s mom aren’t the only happy couple ready to rollerblade down the aisle though—love is in the air! Sue’s ex fucktoy and current sometimes-coworker Rod Somethingorother from the local news is also engaged—to his hussy co-anchor with whom he cheated on Sue five hundred years ago. They announce their engagement on the air, because in Ohio, that’s NEWZ, and also make sure to say it’s gonna be an open marriage because these old randomz love to SLAM.
Sue is enraged and humiliated, so she signs up for E-Desperate, an online dating site; but, no doy, they’re unable to match her up with anyone besides herself, so she decides she’s going to fucking marry herself, the end. In no time flat she’s already sending out invitations to the wedding of the century!
Is this Sue thing supposed to be some big statement about marriage equality that I’m missing??? Because I’ll read into anything, and this shit’s an empty book…
Rings, rings, rings. It’s like the Lord of the Dance or whatever that Sean Astin shit was called. Naked Sam’s also ready to get down on one knee and give his almost-girlfriend Quinn a ring, but it’s not an engagement ring, it’s a Promise Ring, because one day he wants to marry her, but until then he wants to promise “not to pressure her to do anything but kiss.” WHAT. Quinn’s like “maaaaaaybe” she’ll wear that shit, and even though it’s a total rebuff of his buffness, Sam’s pretty psyched that she didn’t … I guess … throw up and cry?
Kurt tells Finn that he’s going to teach him to dance for their parents’ wedding (good luck—what’s your banana budget? (remember when Finn was a monkey?)), and Finn’s like “neato” or something. Then FOOTBALL BULLY 3 shows up right when Finn walks away and terrorizes Kurt by being very quiet, yet scary and intense, and then steals the bride and groom dolls that Kurt’s been carrying around. Kurt looks devastated, and Schue kind of sees the whole thing, so he swoops in and takes Kurt for a meeting with Principal Sue.
Principal Sue kind of wants to get to the bottom of this FOOTBALL BULLY 3/Kurt drahw-ma, but she also keeps calling Kurt “Lady,” which is funny but rude. Kurt tells her to stop calling him Lady because it’s bullying, and she says she thought that was his name, which is ridic, and then lets him choose a new nickname. He goes with “Porcelain,” over “Tickle-Me Dough Face.”
Rachel calls a summit for all of the Gleetard females with boyfriends on the football team (so many of them have boyfriends on the football team (all of them do except for Mercedes, except she’s supposed to go out with that hot football guy, right? Because she’s fat? And her friend said she has to?) (oh and except for Santana because she and Puck are only sex-friends, not a real couple ordained by the Holy Spirits of Judy Garland and Michelle Pfeifer from Grease 2 ONLY)). Rachel wants the girls to convince their guys to stick up for Porcelain against FOOTBALL BULLY 3, but Quinn is skeptical about fighting violence with violence (hm), and Tina’s all weirded out that Brittany the Perfect and Artie are a real couple now (“deal with it”—Brittany the Perfect). Then Brittany the Perfect asks Tina if when she and Artie used to fool around, he would just lay there doing nothing.
So, Sue’s marrying herself, officiating the ceremony, walking herself down the aisle, etc. Then her mom (played by Carol Burnett) shows up for the first time in years—she’s a famous Nazi hunter, and she finally killed the last Nazi, who was hiding out in Phoenix, AZ. She is a mean bitch, even to Sue (so that’s where she gets it!) and insists on singing at Sue’s wedding.
Artie, Naked Sam, and Mike all confront FOOTBALL BULLY 3 in the locker room after football rehearsal, and tell him to stop picking on Porcelain. Then they all get in a shoving/hitting match, and Naked Sam gets a black eye, right before Coach Bieste breaks the fight up.
All the Gleetard girlfriends are soaking wet when they see their boyfs all bruised up, and everyone’s pretty pissed at Finn for not being their for the big event.
Then Carol Burnett and Sue sing “Ohio” from the 1953 musical Wonderful Town, and while I’d watch these two women pick half-digested broccoli florets out of their poop, I doubt I’ll ever watch this number again. Snnnnoooorrre:
Then it’s time for Porcelain to don one of his signature sweater dresses (this one screams “Helmut Lang: suck my clit!”) and teach Finn and his dad Burt from Guts to dance! The lesson is interrupted, though, when FOOTBALL BULLY 3 makes fun of the three guys through an open door, and Porcelain’s Dad Burt from Guts chases the moose down and bullies him back a little bit. A grownup shouldn’t … do that, right?!
Ugh, enough with the Porcelain thing, I tried.
Then Kurt’s Dad Burt from Guts asks Finn why the fuck he hasn’t been sticking up for his little sister all this time and Finn’s like “I need thumbs to fight good, new daddy.”
So, Principal Sue has a sit-down-and-talk with Kurt, Kurt’s Dad Burt from Guts, FOOTBALL BULLY 3, FOOTBALL BULLY 3’s dad, and some other people. Kurt tells everyone that FOOTBALL BULLY 3 threatened to kill him (a couple weeks ago), and FOOTBALL BULLY 3’s dad is like “yeah, you have been acting weird, and why would this boy make something like that up?” and then Sue expels FOOTBALL BULLY 3 from McKinley High effective immediately. SLAM-o.
Then it’s time for Kurt’s Dad Burt from Guts and Finn’s mom to get married, because weddings only take a couple days to plan, it’s so easy! Everyone should do it (BUT NOT GAYZ)! Finn’s getting dressed in his cage when Santana slinks in and is like “you need a hot beef injection,” or a “coolness injection” actually, but it woulda been better if she offered to top him, no? I’d watch that shit. Anyway, her coolness injection would involve Finn telling everyone that last season they fuckt, but he doesn’t want to do that because he lied to Rachel about not fucking Santana already. So, Rachel thinks he’s a virgin like she is, and he wants to keep that lie alive FOREVER, because lies are the glue that hold two assholes together (ask Blaine).
The wedding starts off with all the Gleetards screaming “Marry You” by Bruno Mars, and doing a whole lot of “comedy dancing,” which you guys know I h8. They’re like: goooofy, goooooofy, goooofy! Happy Occasion Time! Aren’t we the funnest?! Even the bride and groom jump around like a couple of assholes:
Not a bad song, though. I guess. Also, “dancing juice”? Sounds a lot like “dancing Jews,” and very weird thing for a bunch of kids to scream about at their friends’ parents’ second wedding. “Shots of Patrón”? Cooool…
Then it’s time for the vows, and everyone pretty much just talks about Kurt and his bravery and wonderfulness for the whole time. Finn’s mom is so excited that Kurt “saved me from my wardrobe” (yeesh), and that Finn’s grown up so much and can finally accept Kurt. Also: anyone notice how smokin’ hot the priest was in this scene? MOLEST ME!
For their first (?) dance, the happy couple dances to Schue screaming Michael Buble’s interpretation of the classic song “Sway” (classeeeeee):
Then it’s time for Finn’s big toast, where he also talks only about Kurt. He apologizes for not sticking up for him more, and talks about how excited he is to be boyfriend brothers for all eternity now. He even comes up with a fun new nickname for them as a unit, a la Bennifer (that’s been the only one ever, look it up): FURT. Lolz. Then Finn screams “Just The Way You Are” ALSO by Bruno Mars (damn, kid, cash them chexxx) to Kurt, with all the female pronouns intact, and honestly, I lllllllooooved this number. I don’t think I’m alone on this, either, based on how many texts I got during it (I’m Glee central, it’s all anyone wants to talk to me about). There was something actually pretty beautiful about this song—it’s a great song, duh, but Finn really killed it, and also, he luvz Kurt now, which is adorable:
Then we zip away to Sue’s wedding rehearsal, in her sister Jean’s assisted living facility. Her dress—a floor-length Adidas warm-up gown in royal blue—is stunnnnnnnnnning.
She rehearses the ceremony once through, playing the officiant and both spouses, before her mother finally speaks up about how fucking weird she’s being. Then Sue calls her a bully and uninvites her from the wedding.
Quinn decides to wear Naked Sam’s chastity band of promises about not cumming, but instead of just saying ‘sure!’ she breaks into his locker and starts wearing that shit around. Lolz. NON-LOLZ: the School Board has denied Principal Sue’s expulsion of FOOTBALL BULLY 3 because there were no witnesses to any of the bullying, or at least none that would come forward, so FOOTBALL BULLY 3 is coming back to McKinley ASAP. Sue resigns her post in protest, and so that she can be an extra set of eyes in the hallway to watch Kurt’s back. But, saaaadnessly, that won’t be necessary, because Kurt’s Dad Burt from Guts and his new mommy have decided to use their honeymoon savings to take Kurt out of McKinley and transfer him to Delicious Boymeat Academy, where the tuition is high, but he’ll be safe from Football Bullies of any number.
The Gleetards are devastated by Kurt’s decision to leave—and next week is Sectionalz no less! Can’t he stop being a little bitch and let himself be murdered just to scream along with them at a local screaming contest? Also: wuh-oh! It’s Sectionalz already? I sure hope Gwyneth Paltrow and Britney Spears and John Stamos are all in town to help Schue scream all those numbers. Because you know these Gleetards have not been practicing SHIT this season…
This episode was magnificent, kind of, don’t you think? It was funny, lots happened, and frankly, I thought all the songs were fantastic. Is anyone still reading this shit? Also, MAJOR congrats to the wardrobe folks for the new (?) Cheerio’s jackets in this episode, want one ssssooooo bad.
The episode starts off with Schue asking Emma (where the fuck you been, grrrl?!) to come to Sectionalz with him as his +1 (Sectionalz has intense bouncers). Emma’s down, and she also takes the opportunity to remind Schue that he has so many talented Gleetards in Glee that never get the spotlight, and that he should really do something different this time around. Luckily, nothing takes any rehearsing whatsoever, so Schue’s like “gr8 ideeeea” and makes some big announcements in Gleehearsal. The Sectionalz number isn’t going to feature Finn or Rachel like always, but rather Brittany the Perfect and Mike Chang’s dance skillz, on top of Sam and Quinn’s vocals.
This starts a mini riot in Gleehearsal, mostly led by Rachel, which climaxes with Santana telling her that she fucked Finn last season, and both of them probably climaxed. Rachel’s devastated.
Meanhwile, at Delicious Boymeat Academy, Kurt’s being initiated into The Warblers with a time-honored tradition. He stands naked, blindfolded, in a candle-lit room, as all his new classmates, decked in sheer hooded robes, sporting massive boners, kiss him all over and tell him he’s a special person. JKJKJKJK, you wish: he has to babysit a tiny canary and make sure it doesn’t die. Snore. Also, The Warblers aren’t led by a teacher like Nude Erections is; instead it’s led by a council of three gay-voiced, adorable boys called The Council, who don’t take kindly to Kurt’s suggestion that they scream Duran Duran at Sectionalz.
Finn and Rachel seek counseling for their relationship woes in Emma’s office. After a thorough bleaching of their skin, hair, and cavities, Emma tries her best to settle their issue, but can’t.
Brittany the Perfect is worried that, even though she’s perfect and the most wonderful ever, she’s not good enough to take a leading role at Sectionalz. Artie tries to comfort her with lies and fairytales, which do the trick in no time. He gifts her a “magic comb” that will guarantee her success, she says something about a magic cricket who reads to her and steals her jewelry, and all is settled with a laugh and a confused expression.
Without Kurt, Nude Erections doesn’t technically have enough assholes onstage screaming to be considered a glee club at Sectionalz. So, Schue recruits Puck to find one more Gleetard in the sea of McKinley’s paid extras. Rachel doesn’t take well to all the changes afoot in glee club, so she tries to stage a one-woman protest, which Schue crushes instantly with screams.
Puck starts his mission with the football team, but those cavemen aren’t about to join glee club like SOMANY of their teammates—that’s ridiculouso! So, they beat him up, and lock him in a port-o-potty overnight, where he is eventually found by the sour-pussed binge eater Lauren Zizes, whom we’ve met before but without knowing her name.
Lauren rescues Puck from the can and agrees to join glee club if Puck will let her rape him, which he does, and ends up LOVING it. Then Puck sees that Rachel’s all upset about shit and decides to comfort her by walking arm in arm with her down the hallway, and she gets all tingly feeling his big muscles, which he maintains by doing steroids.
Tina, dressed as a goth-y cheerleader from HellPorn.sex has a brief powwow with Artie. She’s concerned that her boyfriend Mike is fucking his girlfriend Brittany the Perfect when they’re supposed to be Gleehearsing their dance bullshit. Artie’s like “yeah right,” but then he’s like “oh no!” and the seed is planted.
Kurt’s getting the opportunity to audition for solo in his new club, and he seeks the advice of scream Yoda, Rachel, for a song choice. Thus begins the first of many glorious musical moments in this, the 9th episode: Kurt and Rachel singing “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina” from Evita. The scene cuts between Rachel screaming, on the verge of tears, in an empty auditorium, and Kurt screaming in a room packed with uniformed Warblers at his audition. The most ESPECIALLY magical moment of the number for me was when Blaine, watching the performance, subtly motions to Kurt not to outstretch his arms in true Evita fashion:
And, for a kick:
What to say about that song? Its lyrics read like the first draft of an idea for an outline about a song—poetry can suck a dick, apparently. And the pacing? It’s like Sophia Petrillo jogging in steel-toed Doc Martens. I guess everything about it is so wrong it’s right, which is different for everyone. I love it.
The Warblers seem to love Kurt’s performance, but don’t give him a solo, because he tries too hard to be an individual, when all of them are content to wear a uniform and blend into the crowd. Interesting. Kurt DEFINITELY tries too hard, but isn’t that the point of all this horrible bullshit?! Guess not.
Suddenly, it’s time to leave for Sectionalz, with all of the prep work apparently done off camera. Okay, I should stop harping on that I guess. The Gleetards are all loaded onto their bus and ready to go when Emma shows up and tells Schue she’s not cumming because Hot Uncle Jesse Carl is upset by how much time she’s going to spending with Schue. Crazy as she is, she knows she’s got a hot piece waiting for her at home in her padded cell, and she’s not gonna risk it.
Up first at Sectionalz: The Hipsters, a High School for Old People glee club (look it up) who EXPERTLY scream one of the best songs ever, “The Living Years” by Mike and the Mechanics. It doesn’t hurt that this is one of my favorite songs ever, and seeing a bunch of old people glee the fuck out of it just pushed me over the edge. The version in the show was a little short for my taste, but luckily the online audio is 3x longer:
Up next, Kurt & The Warblers (my fav new girl group name) screaming an a capella version of Train’s “Soul Sister.” It was pretty fucking adorable, and can we talk about Train for a second? They’re so “lookee lookee me lyrics so clevah” all the time, and they’re shit’s so cloying and head-sticky-in. And they’re so middle-aged, with their Rachels and James Perse T’s. But, shove one of their songs down the throats of twenty gorgeous 20-year-olds pretending to be kids in their little uniforms, and suddenly, I’m the sold-est:
Love how Rachel stage-mom’d Kurt so hard. He looks like such a little baby compared to those other actors, all playing his age and shit… Aw.
Then we head back to the “Green Room,” where Nude Erections is awaiting their chance to scream. In the meantime, they’re all screaming at each other—Rachel’s refusing to go onstage, Artie and Tina are fucking PISSED because Brittany the Perfect accidentally admitted to adultery (we learn she thought that meant being a dolt, because she lost the magic comb)—but Schue snaps his bitches into Gleeformance mode with some screaming of his own. Man, Schue’s not fucking around this week!
Nude Erections finally takes the stage to perform NOT ONE BUT TWO numbers. Before we get to that, though, what IS UP WITH THEIR FUCKING OUTFITZ?! If someone walked up to me on the street and said “what’s the ugliest thing a boy could wear?” I’d say “a wine-tone blouse and anonymous black slacks.” And then, if that person asked “what about girls?” I’d say “a cheap white Soph Hop dress with a band of half-assed black Ombre across the gunt.” Welp, hit the stage, assholes, you all look terrible!!!
Luckily, Nude Erections sounded better than they looked. The first song they screamed was “(I’ve Had) The Time of my Life,” with Naked Sam and Quinn on lead vocals. I don’t really give two fucks about Naked Sam and Quinn’s budding <3—it’s not bad or anything, but ever since they decided to take Naked Sam out of the shower and slap a shirt on him, it’s like “greeeeeaaattt….” The song’s pretty good though—for some reason Quinn’s decidedly weak (not un-talented, just not Broadway-caliber in its hummus-y-ness) voice touches me in a nice way. She’s got a certain Susanna Hoff quality in the sinuses, or something—something’s definitely registering on my retarded nightmare scale of music qualifying.
Then, they jump right into Amy Winehouse B-Side “Valerie,” with Santana on lead vocals, and FINALLY Mike and Brittany the Perfect dancing like maniacs. Hilarious and weird that those two didn’t do the whole run-down-the-aisle-jump and famous dance routine to the Dirty Dancing song, but I guess it’s neat to think outside the bun sometimes. This number was pretty fucking ferocious—Santana nailed the quality of Amy Winehouse’s vocals without having to unscrew all the lightbulbs onstage and bum a blowtorch from anyone. I mean, it’s certainly not a dead-on impression, which it shouldn’t be, but she bent all those notes, seemed like a bitch (in a good way), and basically inhabited the spirit of the song, and her voice sounded great. I loved it. Like EVERY OTHER song in this episode, at first I was like “ugh, this song?! I’m so sick of this song” when it started, but the kids fucking kill’t it, and I lived:
The Judges deemed The Hipsters to be the losers (THEY WERE ROBBED), but out of the three competing teams, were unable to decide who was the winner. Literally. Out of three teams: one team lost, two teams tied for first, no one came in second. Perfect.
Back at McKinley, Schue parades his trophy into Emma’s office to show it off, but she’s got something of her own to show off: she and Hot Uncle Jesse Carl eloped in Vegas while the assholes were at Sectionalz, and now she’s a married lady. This is supposed to be <3breaking. We’ll see…
Rachel and Finn finally make up, but then Rachel tells Finn that while they were fighting and Puck was comforting her (remember a hundred hours ago when they walked arm in arm down the hallway?), she tried to make him fuck her (same day he fucked Lauren, non?), but Puck refused. Ouch-o. Finn is so offended that Rachel would do that—it’s ice cold after the whole baby thing this show was once about—that he dumps Rachel’s brutally un<3able ass.
Back in Gleehearsal, Schue wants to celebrate Nude Erections’ semi-victory in true Nude Erection style: by letting Rachel scream a song all by herself. But, she’s too sad to scream (YEAHRIGHT), and defers the honor to Mercedes and Tina, who scream a delicious duet of Florence and the Machines’ “Dog Days Are Over.” I’ll go out on a limb, if I may, and declare this my favorite number of Season 2 so far. This was just great. An ebullient pop song, modern and exciting, which, even when given the full Gleetment doesn’t come out sounding like Pokemon on Broadway or whatever.
So, duh, this was a really fun episode, because there were a couple great jokes, it moved at a fast clip, lots of shit happened, and the songs were fun and exciting. Seeing these two Gleecaps back to back like this just enforces my theory that different groups exist on the creative team for this show, and they have different priorities when it comes to things like humor, plot, music, and tone. After a week of SOMUCHSUE, we get none, which is tragic. Aaaaand, when the fuck are we going to get some QUALITY MERCEDES VOCALIZATION already?! It’s becoming a major problem for me.
Until next week, let’s just imagine the show allowed her to finally fuck that football player from a million weeks ago who smiled at her in the cafeteria, and it felt so goooood that she gets up and screams this, naked, right on the spot: