The Walking Dead S01E05: CDCeez Nuts

Sorry to blow your brains right out of your head so early in the day, but did you know that Andrew Lincoln (Grimes) is British? ALLO WUT INNIT?! That’s nuts. Of course, in England they call Grimes “Lorries,” and his wife, Lori Grimes is called Lori Lorries. (Sorry!) How is it that so many of our best actors are loyal subjects of the Queen? Idris. Grimes. HUGH GRANT. Anyway, it is going to be hard for me to look at Grimes the same way because of my innate American fury at the English over the way they didn’t treat my forefathers during the Revolutionary War because of how my forefathers were safely in their native countries no duh. “YE RELAXE!” is on my family’s Coat of Arms. Oh brother! We are already way off track. Can we please get to it?! So, Grimes is sitting on a hill at dawn with his walkie talkie trying to raise Morgan. (And not to get too off track, but can we at least acknowledge the fact that it is hilarious that in 2010 that a piece of sophisticated technology is still called a “walkie talkie”?) He tells Morgan that he found others. “My family, if you can believe it,” he says, and then there is this long silence just waiting for someone to fill it with “ACTUALLY NO, NOT REALLY, I DON’T BELIEVE IT THAT MUCH NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT!” He tells Morgan to avoid Atlanta (“even World of Coca Cola is a bust,” he adds) and tells him to be careful out there, which is a total PRO-TIP, I’m sure. When they inevitably reunite later, I really hope Morgan thanks Grimes for the tip of being careful and staying on the look-out for zombies. Then, when he finally stops talking, Grimes releases the talk button and you hear the static hiss and realize that he really was going on and on and not letting Morgan get a word in edgewise, which seems like a pretty inconsiderate way to conduct a walkie talkie (LOL still at that term) conversation in the midst of an apocalyptic disaster. TAKE A BREATH, GRIMES.

Back in camp, that one blonde lady has been kneeling over her sister’s dead body all night. Everyone’s like “uh,” but she is just like, “kneel.”

Her storyline this week makes me so angry that I would just like to power through it real quick and move on. So, she’s super sad about the whole sister getting bitten by a zombie thing. Fair enough. But also YOU ARE IN THE MIDST OF A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. That is literally the shit they are talking about when they say “shit happens.” Clearly, survival is difficult, so maybe you should focus on it, and cut the self-indulgent, misplaced-nostalgic bullshit. At one point, Grimes walks over and SHE PULLS A GUN ON GRIMES. Oh girl. If you’re going to point a gun at the king, you best not miss. Grimes backs away because he is a gentleman, and a gentleman doesn’t BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT IN A FAST-DRAW SHOWDOWN THAT LEAVES YOU NOT ONLY DEAD BUT ALSO EMBARRASSED. Another time, the old man comes to pay his respects and the two of them giggle down memory lane. Ugh, both of you. He explains that the two blonde sisters were the first people he had cared about since he lost his wife to cancer. Really? Why? I guess maybe it would make more sense if you really lived in the camp, but all I’ve seen them do is steal costume jewelry for each other, argue about fishing knots, and get bitten by zombies, so I don’t really see the appeal. ANYHOW, eventually the dead sister becomes an undead sister and everyone in camp is like, “not cool,” but Andrea is, like, stroking her face and looking deep into her milky zombie eyes and apologizing for not going to her fucking birthday party? OH GOOD GRIEF ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’m sorry, but even if this were just NORMAL TIMES that would be stupid, or at the very least, something to say quietly to yourself as you stare out over a placid lake at dawn, or some shit, but it is NOT NORMAL TIMES, and enough with the melodrama. Also: I don’t have any sisters whose birthday parties I’ve missed, so maybe I just can’t understand, but I’m not sure I understand how it is even remotely more pleasant or provides any more closure to wait until your dead sibling has become a flesh-hungry “geek” clawing with ice cold fingers at your head trying to get into your brains and then shoot her in the head at point blank range with a handgun instead of just, you know, letting someone else deal with it or shooting her while she is peaceful. “I owe it to her to give myself PTSD by committing an insanely horrific act of violence on her reanimated corpse at the last second with my life very much on the line.” Gross. Go to bed. You’ve been up all night, but that’s not even the only reason I’m saying that to you.

Speaking of dispatching corpses, does EVERYONE in that camp need to sit down with Dr. Melfi or WHAT?

flips his fitted. WAHHHH NOOOOOO THAT’S FOR ZOMBIIIEEEESSS WAHHHHHH. Obviously, this pisses Darryl off because everything pisses Darryl off, but especially because he’s not about to take orders from a “chinaman.” Haha. DING DONG. He also says that the whole camp had it coming for leaving his brother to die on the roof, which is not really how karma works, I don’t think, but OK. So, instead of burning the bodies, they bury the bodies. Everyone pretty much agrees on this except for Darryl, who wants to burn all of the bodies. I’m kind of ambivalent on this one. On the one hand, you can probably just burn all of the bodies, you guys. Like, I get how burying the bodies is an act of grace and respect, or whatever, but you guys are balls deep in the Zombie Apocalypse at this point, and I’m pretty sure you’ve all seen way worse outcomes for your loved ones than just being thoughtfully put out of their misery (with a pick-axe) and tossed onto a fire. On the other hand, Darryl’s concern seems to be that somehow the dead bodies, despite having been bashed in the face with a pick-axe, are somehow going to rise up out of the dirt to roam the Earth once more, which is a scary prospect except for the fact that they are about to leave the camp anyway, so who cares if they do rise up and wander around the abandoned camp? And so: ambivalent. Although, actually, no, I changed my mind: I’m with Darryl. Throw them on the fire. For one thing, there ain’t no nostalgia to this shit right here. There’s just the street, and the game, and what happen here today. And second of all, when Andrea insists on dragging her sister’s corpse into the grave BY HERSELF as if somehow THAT MEANS ANYTHING I just really want to yank that dead body right out of her hands and set it ablaze myself. “Oh, whoops, I am so sorry I set your sister’s body on fire and accidentally shoved you into the fire.”

Oh, but so, that one dude who probably used to be a barista at the coffee shop slash vinyl-only record store got bitten by a zombie last night. Whoops! He tried to hide it for awhile, but he did a bad job, I guess. Also, he got bit, like, right on the tummy? Haha. What were you doing last night, dude? That is a weird place to get a bite! Some people want to shoot him in the head, but others, namely Grimes, because Classic Grimes, wants to get him some help. Uh, Grimes? What help, Grimes? Grimes thinks that if they can just get to the CDC, they’ll find help. UGH. Really, Grimes? Is that really what you think? Because no offense, and I guess none of us knows exactly how we will react in a crisis until we are in one, but THAT IS FUCKING RETARDED. Go to the CDC. Perhaps when they get there Grimes can GET HIS HEAD CHECKED. Check your head, Grimes.

Shane doesn’t want to go to the CDC. He wants to shoot Grimes in the back and fuck his wife (also from the back). Obviously, I completely agree with Shane that the CDC is a ridiculous idea, but I also am really starting to hate Shane. Like, when they are in the forest and Grimes says that if his family was Shane’s family Shane would understand his decision, and Shane gets furious? Relax, Shane. He actually asks Grimes what that is supposed to mean, as if what it is supposed to mean is not completely obvious. AT THE VERY LEAST, PLAY IT COOL, BRO? He’s like “What is that supposed to mean? Did I not fuck your wife twice a week on date night as if she was my wife?” Gross. Even the old man is like “Uh, Shane?”

Also the part where Shane tells Lori that he’s getting used to breaking all kinds of habits even if he doesn’t want to. Gross. It’s kind of weird to fuck someone else’s wife and then describe it as a habit. Kind of a weird thing to do. And then complain about having to break that habit. “I hate having to break the habit of fucking you just because your stupid husband and my best friend and partner is alive. Really wish I could still habitually fuck you.” Grimes is like “what habits?” Lori and Shane are like “Oh we were just talking about rabbits. Haha. Yeah. I hate having to break all these rabbits. Uh oh, look over there, a zombie!” (Run away.)

Eventually, Grimes wins the debate because he’s Grimes. Most people decide to go with him, although that one family of people no one cares about decides they’re going to go their own way. Grimes gives them the gift of a gun. Carl gives us the gift of one of his hilarious sadfaces.




Meanwhile, the former leader of his very own Tall Bike Gang in Greenpoint is getting worse. His bones are “like glass.” This lady knows what he’s talking about.

The gang finally gets to the CDC. There is a dude in there who is slowly going crazy. Think Will Smith in I Am Legend. NOW IMAGINE HE WAS WHITE. “Gabe, wouldn’t it be easier to imagine Charlton Heston in The Omega Man?” Hush. We don’t know much about the CDC scientist except that he loves wine and he hates laboratory fires.

When the gang shows up he does NOT want to let them in. Wait, why not? Jerk. Everyone tries to convince Grimes that they need to get out of there, and they probably do need to get out of there. Zombies all up in the CDC parking lot. But where are they going to go? They have no food and they are almost out of gas, as Grimes himself screams to the security camera. “YOU’RE KILLING US! YOU’RE KILLING US!” Come on, Grimes. You’re the one who wanted to go to the CDC. You’re killing you.

Finally, the crazy CDC scientist does open the door, though. Annnnnd the CDC is the hatch apparently.