It is human nature to love a fight, and the combination of telephones with cameras inside of them and the Internet has made fights easier to see than ever before. Gone are the days of waiting for the International Fight SIgnal of a strained, too-excited voice shouting bloodlust-y encouragement from behind a Taco Bell dumpster. Of course, the only thing people like more than an actual fight (because in real life those are scary and upsetting*) is a hypothetical fight. You know what I’m talking about. “Who would win in a fight, a shark or a bagel?” Stuff like that. “Who would win in a fight, a robot or a pumpkin pie?” (The way the game is played, traditionally, is to take something from a t-shirt you see in Brooklyn, and make it fight some food.) But what if we were to combine the two things? What if we were to combine America’s love for actual fights with America’s love for fake fights? WHAT IF WE HAD A FIGHT OFF BETWEEN FIGHTS?!

In one corner we have a Halloween fight in a Denny’s. In the other corner we have a fight at an amusement park in which a gang of costumed mascots beats up a park patron. WHICH OF THESE FIGHTS WINS THE FIGHT OFF DING DING DING THAT’S THE BELL!

Halloween Denny’s fight:

Amusement Park Fight:

OK, FIGHTS, FIGHT! WHO WINS THE FIGHT BETWEEN THE FIGHTS! (Denny’s Fight via BuzzFeed. Amusement Park Fight via GorillaMask.)

*Understatement. They are the worst. And the terribleness not only of fights but of the phenomenon of posting videos of fights on the Internet and our consumption of those videos would be a whole other post, complete with more detailed and thorough footnotes like this one in which I address the sadness of feeling some complicity in the perpetuation of such an unquestionably awful phenomenon when I buckle to the crass simplicity of it on an otherwise slow news day.