Duh Aficionado Magazine: Randy And Evi Quaid Are Mentally Unstable, On Drugs, And NOT Being Pursued By A Deadly Group Of Celebrity-Extorting Assassins

There’s something wrong with Randy and Evi, you guys. From CNN:

Randy and Evi Quaid insist they aren’t mentally unstable, using drugs or lying about being pursued by a mysterious and deadly group of celebrity-extorting assassins.

The Quaids — who were arrested last month in Canada and are due in court Tuesday in California after allegedly squatting in and wrecking their former Santa Barbara home — spoke about their fears Monday on ABC’s “Good Morning America.”

“I genuinely feel these people are trying to kill us,” Evi Quaid said. “We are refugees … We are Hollywood refugees.”

WE ARE REFUGEES…WE ARE HOLLYWOOD REFUGEES! Well, looks like I just added a new line item to the top of my Bucket List: saying that out loud and meaning it. Talk about an IMDB Memorable Quote! Literally one of the funniest things you can say out of all the possible permutations of things based on the various words in the English language and the structural rules of grammar. Also: insisting that you are not mentally unstable or on drugs OR lying about being pursued by a mysterious and deadly group of celebrity-extorting assassins is an argument that demands you rest your case. Otherwise the judge is going to throw you in jail for Contempt of Common Sense.

Also this:

Randy Quaid added that it was “very possible that Heath Ledger could have been murdered” by the group, which he said is seeking to make cash by assassinating celebrities.

Haha. Yikes! “Your honor, would a person who was mentally unstable and/or on drugs suggest that the same deadly group of celebrity-extorting assassins that has turned him and his wife into Hollywood refugees also murdered a much more popular actor whose tragic death from a drug overdose–which could never happen to me due to the fact that I never touch drugs, I am too busy being mentally stable–two and a half years ago startled the entertainment industry? Do I even need to rest my case, sir? Oh, I do? OK. I rest my case.”

Just kidding. Everything is obviously above board here. Good luck to Randy and Evi Quaid! (Thanks for the tip, Alex.)