Videogum

Glee S02E05: Scream Like A Horny Susan Sarandon

[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.]

Trick or Treat, assholes! So, on a show like Glee, when every episode has a goofy theme, a Halloween episode doesn’t exactly stand out the way it does on a normal show for people with fully formed brains. That said, Rocky Horror Picture Show was a very fitting theme to choose, and fun enough to watch. Of course, I would’ve preferred a Sweeney Todd episode where Brittany the Perfect slits everyone else’s throats, or a Phantom of the Opera episode where Naked Sam screams from behind the walls to Kurt, wearing ONLY the mask. But, amazingly, no one asked me to write a Halloween Glee, although I know you bitches read this shit and I cannot even express how much free time I have on my hands to move to LA and begin farting into your communal Vuitton script bag. So, Rocky Horror it was, totally fine, not my fav (by a long shot), but not the worst either. Also: TOPLESS FINN!

The episode starts out with Santana’s little red lips singing “Science Fiction/Double Feature” on a black background. Full disclosure: I’m not a huge Rocky Horror head. I get it, and I “appreciate” it, but it doesn’t hold for me the same cult meaning it does for many people like me (asshole people). I didn’t go to the sing-alongs, I didn’t don the outfits. The Craft was my Rocky Horror, along with Clueless and Empire Records (“what’s with today today?” I’d scream, dressed like a normal teenager, in a basement, with some fugly girl-neighbor). But, “Science Fiction/Double Feature” is kind of my jam, and it comes up a lot when I put my Zune on shuffle (I only have 2 songs). Santana did a fine job, even though I DEF thought it was Quinn (semi-compliment).

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Then we jump right into a fully staged dress rehearsal of Rocky Horror with all the Gleetards in campy ’70’s bordello drag. Rachel (as Janet) and Finn (as Brad) are rehearsing “(There’s A Light) Over At The Frankenstein Place.” It actually sounds GREAT, but the Gleetards get interrupted by Hot Uncle Jesse Carl, dressed in head-to- toe black leather (so you DID get my emails). He’s pissed as shit at Schue for breaking their Emma-no-try-to-fuck pact. Naughty Schue.

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Cut to X-amount-of-time earlier, Schue and Emma are lunching in the teachers’ lounge, when he notices she hasn’t surgically removed the crusts from her Purell and ice cubes sandwich. Then she goes on and on about how Hot Uncle Jesse Carl took her to see Rocky Horror Picture Show at a grimy downtown movie theater (there’s a downtown in Glee, OH?), and she didn’t even mind being the in same room as all the disgusting outcasts and their contagious personalities. Holy Streisand—the insane shrew is fix’ t! Schue doesn’t like one ounce of this happiness, so he pretends that the Glee Club has already chosen Rocky Horror Picture Show as their big Fall musical, what an INCREDIBLE coinciGlee! Even Emma’s not buying that shit, but her cleanliness demons are like “neato.”

Then it’s Gleehearsal time — Brittany the Perfect is going to be a peanut allergy for Halloween <3. Schue tells all the Gleetards that they’re gonna do Rocky Horror Picture Show for their Fall musical, and most people are totally into that idea. Mike volunteers to play Frankenfurter, after Kurt turns it down (YESSSSS—but where are they gonna find a totally see-through corset and just the outlines of panties?). Finn’s gonna play Brad, but he’s a little scared to wear just his undies on stage (buck up, kiddo, at least it’s not last season, am I right? (Finn got skiiiinny this season (I preferred him last season (hi Finn!!!!)))).

Sue’s back on the local news with her “Sue s Corner” plot-device segment, which is usually ground zero for hilarity and quotability. Not so much this week. She thinks that America has lost the true meaning of Halloween — fear. Meh. Then, the new heads of the network, played by Meatloaf and Barry Bostwick from the original Rocky Horror Picture Show, tell her they heard McKinley High was putting on Rocky Horror and that she should totes do an exposé on how disgusting that is.

The Gleetards are bizzy Gleehearsing “ Dammit Janet,” which is NOT my fav, but I’ll be fucked (yeah right) if Finn isn’t killing it this season with his vocals. I don’t care what software is used to correct shit, to me it sounds like he’s singing perfectly, and with a lot more gusto than before. Also, him all dressed in a khaki windbreaker and giant Gabe Liedman glasses makes me swoon like a Shakespeare character on poppers (YES, I’ M THE ONLY HUMAN WITH GIANT GLASSES, LOOK IT UP).

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Sue interrupts the number to say she wants to be a part of the production, she’ ll play the Criminologist, but she’ s gonna have to make some rewrites (snore).

Finally, it’s time for a workout-based <3 to <3 between Sam, Finn, and Artie. Over iron-pumps, the boys discuss how internet pornography has leveled the playing field for girls to objectify boys, and now they’re all concerned about their bodies the way only girls should be? GROSS, shut up, that’ s a nuts thing to say to your mostly-teen, mostly-female audience.

Schue asks Emma to make the costumes for the show, and she is thrilled. Then Mike has to step down from playing Frankenfurter because his parents won’ t let him do a disgusting drag number. FUCKINGASSHOLES.

Sue’s plan to ruin everyone’s happiness apparently doesn’t end with her secret exposé for the local news. When she learns that Emma and Hot Uncle Jesse Carl are super into Rocky Horror, she convinces Hot Uncle Jesse Carl to audition for the cast. You know, because sexy local dentists ALWAYS join school clubs for kids (at schools they probably didn’t even go to).

For his audition, Hot Uncle Jesse Carl screams “Whatever Happened to Saturday Night,” the Meatloaf number (I thought it was called “Hot Patootie/Bless My Soul” ?). I couldn’t give the turtle head of a shit about this song, though I love me some Meatloaf NODOY, so let’s just say John Stamos is hot when he screams it:

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Hot Uncle Jesse Carl gets cast as Eddie, even though Schue does NOT like it. Then Mercedes volunteers to play Frankenfurter — anything to get a starring role, for fuck’s sake. Part of me cringed right out of my skin when this shit got set up, but then we get to see Mercedes’s performance of “ Sweet Transvestite” right away and DOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOY it’s so fucking good. She’s so far ahead of anyone else in a 10 million mile radius of Glee in terms of talent and charisma, it makey no-sense. I’m positive that I write this every time Mercedes screams on screen, but the fact that she does not scream every note of every song on this entire show is an appalling weirdness that I supposed we’ll all just have to accept. Kinda like how it’s October 27th, and it’s 75 degrees out right now in New York City. Fuck. YES:

Then Hot Uncle Jesse Carl drives his motorcycle through the wall of the set waaay too early and Schue is PISSED. For revenge, he decides to join the children-only production of Rocky Horror himself, and show Hot Uncle Jesse Carl how it’s fucking DONE. Schue talks Naked Sam out of playing Rocky, which is surprisingly easy (Naked Sam learned how to say “ yes, sir” loooong ago). Schue tells Emma the retarded great news, and the two of them have a private Gleehearsal of their own to the tune of “Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me,” with Emma all-too-willingly playing the part of Horny Susan Sarandon.

The number is incredibly sexualized, Emma ripping Schue’s shirt off his LOVELY torso, and dragging him around a classroom by his tie. It was … quite nice.

Naked Sam and Finn have another workout <3 to <3 where Naked Sam shows off his body a ton. Finn is inspired to embrace his own sexiness a little bit (everyone does it except Christine O’ Donnell). Somewhat confident, and looking for a thrill, Finn decides to walk down McKinley’s (only?) hallway wearing nothing but his white boxer shorts. After so much talk of Finn’ s imperfect, shame-worthy midsection, I was a little annoyed by his display of 11 defined abs and no-hair droopless boyboobs. But, still, NO-SHIRT FINN:

Finn almost gets suspended for this outlandish display of fine-looking flesh, but then he doesn’t. Cool couple scenes! The Sue’s minion Becky comes Trick or Treating at Schue’s office for her Take Back The Night club, or something. Rape! Down’s Syndrome! Glee! She spills the beans to Schue about Sue’s secret exposé plan from a thousand hours ago. Schue’s like “how could she?!” or something, blah blah blah.

Schue confronts Sue about the exposé nonsense, and then the two weirdly come to an agreement that Schue was forcing children into public displays of sexuality for all the wrong reasons. He decides that the true meaning of Rocky Horror’s cult success isn’t that audiences need their envelopes pushed around, it’s that outcasts need weirdo bullshit to watch and scream along to in the dark with cheap makeup on. So he cancels the production altogether, and decides that the Gleetards should just do Rocky Horror by themselves, in an empty auditorium, while only he watches. SO UNBELIEVABLY WEIRD I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. They scream “Time Warp,” duh, with Artie on lead:

They did a good job with the song, whatever.

This episode was fine, surely. I’d say, even, that “Sweet Transvestite” is one of the best Gleeformances we’ve seen in the whole series so far. ONE OF. But, Schue and Emma’s crap is not my fav sub “plot” going on right now (what are they exactly, anyway? (SHUT UP, INFORMATION-QUEER)), and I don’t know how on-board I am with them just coming out and calling Naked Sam hot-n-sexy all the time. I liked it a lot better when he was just randomly naked and soapy in every scene. No-shirt Schue and No-shirt Finn on the other hand? VERY COOL.

Also: were Sue’s writers on vacation or some shit this episode? My notes (YES I TAKE NOTES ON Glee) are usually filled with paragraph-long quotes of hilarious perfection, but at the end of this episode it was all “plot” points and musical “numbers.” Bad job, but babygrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl u know all will be 4given by next Tuesday night. JUSTDON’TFUCKITUP. Oh, and should I address the whole sexual GQ spread that had all the Hasslebecks of the world applying another layer of Ecru Martha Stewart paint to their sex-entrances? Nah: those old-enough bitches looked beautiful in their underpants. Wake me up when Tina and Becky grace the cover of Muff Monthly, and even then I won’t give two moral shits.