Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Best Comments

And thus ended Back to the Future Week, or whatever. Of course, the big (non-Stoltz) story of the week, obviously, was the rescue of the Chilean miners. What a good story! Very happy ending, that is for sure. But this was also the week of Carl Paladino. And Bill O’Reilly won’t shut up about how his face looks like a stained pair of worn out tennis shorts Ground Zero Mosque. And so, this week, like all weeks, you have to take the good with the bad (and it’s hard to actually argue that the rescue of the Chilean miners was 100 percent good insofar as the only reason the rescue was necessary in the first place was due to the inhumane and exploitative demands of our global economy, but mostly it was good. And speaking of good/bad at the same time, did you watch this yet?). You know what else you have to take good with bad with? INTERNET COMMENTS! And so here we are. The circle forever unbroken.

After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of this week’s Zach Galifianakis Swimsuit Calendar Caption Contest, the Editor’s Choice, and the WINNER OF THE VIDEOGUM SONG CONTEST!

This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#5 Mans | Oct 8th Score:100

“In other news, a historic accord was reached today between the adherents of all of the world’s religions and every atheist and agnostic on the face of the planet to recognize the existence and nature of an all-consuming, sulfur-reeking HELL for the express purpose of providing long term housing for a Ms. Jennifer Lynn Petkov and her husband. When reached for comment, God said, ‘It just makes sense. It felt like the right time, and we were able to get everyone on board with this one. I am very excited.’”

Posted in: That’s Your Girlfriend: Jennifer Lynn Petkov
#4 huckabeast | Oct 13th Score:103

Great Scott Pilgrim VS The World

Posted in: Best New Party Game 34: Back To The Future Edition
#3 Baby Friday | Oct 11th Score:111

In abject poverty born and raised

On the scenic roof is where I spent most of my days.

I had to tell my kid that he’d never be a star,

But a guy like me–I knew I’d go far.

When a stockbroker guy, prolly up to no good,

Started tryin’ to park in my neighborhood.

I saw his phat ride and decided right there,

“I’m competing for that internship, to get to Bel Air.”

I whistled for a cab, and when it came near,

I saw it was the guy who could make my career.

If anything I could have shown real credentials,

But instead I solved a puzzle and drove the guy mental.”

I jogged–how many times, about seven or eight?

and I yelled to my ‘hood, “Yo, peeps, smell ya later!”

Looked at my kingdom, I was finally rich,

To sit on my throne as the Happyest Bitch.

Posted in: The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: The Pursuit Of Happyness
#2 witt | Oct 8th Score:135

When someone tells me that I shouldn’t “hate” anyone, I’m going to direct them to this video.

“Oh my lord, what a cunt” – The Pope

Posted in: That’s Your Girlfriend: Jennifer Lynn Petkov
#1 DuckDuck | Oct 8th Score:183

Coincidentally my girlfriend suffers from Cuntington’s Disease.

Posted in: That’s Your Girlfriend: Jennifer Lynn Petkov

[Ed. note: Jennifer Lynn Petkov is so awful! Just a really horrible person that surprises you in a world increasingly low on surprises at just how terrible people can really get. I know this is both an impolite thing to say that makes me just as bad as Jennifer Lynn Petkov in a way, and also that it’s a worn out joke that has been made multiple times before because I have seen it made, but now that the Chilean miners are all rescued, CAN WE PUT JENNIFER LYNN PETKOV DOWN THERE? (Incidentally, Jennifer Lynn Petkov is currently in JAIL for trying to run someone over with her car, in an entirely unrelated incident to the incident that made you fall in love with her.)]

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment

#1 ClownCoffee | Oct 11th Score:-36
In your heart you know he’s right.
Posted in: That’s Your Boyfriend: Carl Paladino

[Ed. note: Oh boy. As someone who knows Clown Coffee personally and considers him a friend, I cannot defend this comment, and have no desire to, although I do know that he was purposefully trying to antagonize the community and bait people into downvoting and arguing with him. Congrats, pal? You did it? He seems to do that on most of the “homosexual/homophobics news” posts, which, considering that he is an openly gay man, makes it very complicated indeed. “You guys, I’m worried about Clown Coffee,” etc. Seriously, not quite sure what is going on there. Maybe I should call him. In any case, kind of a dick comment! And whether it was in an effort to elicit a specific response or not, dick comments get dick votes. So.]

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

hellsbells53 | Oct 12th Score:66

Are we sure this isn’t Seth?

Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Zach Galifianakis Swimsuit Calendar

[Ed. note: Congratulations, hellsbells53. You earned it!]

This Week’s Editor’s Choice

Mans | Oct 12th Score:94

There is a MONSTER at the end of this thread! OH, I am so scared of monsters! Please don’t scroll down.

I have an idea. If you won’t scroll down, we will never get to the end of this thread, and we won’t see the MONSTER.

Posted in: Smell Like A Monster Open Thread

[Ed. note: Actually, this comment is the first in an entire thread of comments, all authored by Mans, that is a very specific reference to a really good children’s book. It’s very funny and very well done, and it is that entire thread that wins this week’s Editor’s Choice, although that cumulative win is here represented by the initial comment. Go read the whole thing!]


In third place, with 91 votes:
Topknot – “We Should All Be So Lucky” by Videogum

In second place, with 584 votes:
Lawblog – “We Monsters” by Videogum

And the winner of the Videogum Song Contest, with 804 votes:
Del Preston – “J.O.R.T.S” by Videogum

And now, a note on all that: I know that some people are confused and/or concerned about the outcome of this competition because many regular readers voted for “We Monsters” and felt that song was the clear winner. What happened was that Del Preston posted about the contest on another message board on which he/she participates, and non-Videogum readers came and voted for his/her song. And fair enough! There was never any mention in the rules about NOT being allowed to mount a successful viral Get Out The Vote campaign, so as far as I am concerned, “J.O.R.T.S” won fair and square. Them’s the breaks. That being said: Del Preston actually wrote an email explaining what happened and requesting that the song be taken out of the competition because he/she felt guilty over its success. That was very thoughtful! So what I propose is that the final voting tally stands as the Official Results of the Contest. But if Del Preston would like to exchange his prize with Lawblog, that would be fine. Please DM me. And congratulations to Topknot and everyone who entered. Have a great weekend everyone.