Duh Aficionado Magazine: Andy Rooney Is A Big Old Fatso

Obesity is a very serious health crisis that’s threatening major repercussions for the American economy and health system. It’s endemic and seemingly intractable due to the fact that over-consumption is pretty directly tied into the “American Dream,” which is what it is all supposed to be about. For more on this important issue, please Google “actual news and information on obesity in America based on facts and science.” For more on some old man who is about to turn what could be an important and valuable message to the American people into a self-indulgent commentary on his love for ice cream, please keep reading this post. ANDY ROONEY, YOU GUYS! America’s oldest man! In this week’s essay, or thought piece, or whatever you want to call it, on 60 Minutes, he declared that in response to a recent report that 75% of Americans will be obese by the year 2020, he is going to go on a diet. Sure! There is absolutely nothing wrong with a public figure taking personal steps towards leading a healthier lifestyle with the goal of providing a role model to viewers. Except that dude is fucking 3,000,000 years old, will probably die from this experiment, is not a role model to anyone, and spends the whole time talking about how big his socks are or something.

He doesn’t want to look haggard and drawn, you guys. Also ice cream. And then he’s moving to Japan. (I KNOW THIS QUESTION IS ALMOST TOO “ON THE NOSE” BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS HE EVER EVEN TALKING ABOUT ANYMORE?!) (Via WarmingGlow.)