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GLEE S02E01: Fuckin’ Finally

[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.]

Glee is back, so it’s time to call off any sui-plans you may have made this summer, but never got around to. The episode started out with a mini-documentary shot and narrated by McKinley blogger Jacob Ben-Israel (whom you may remember from his history-changing performance in Mein Kampf) entitled “Glee’s Big Gay Summer.” We learn that Rachel’s got bangs and Finn kinda hates her, Puck’s got a vasectomy and isn’t over Quinn, Tina and Mike are a couple, and Brittany the Perfect is still the perfectest shit in this entire piece of shit world: “everyone thought I went on vacation, but I spent the summer lost in the sewers.” Bet she hooked up with Donatello, he’s got such a long stick.

It’s time to audition new Cheerio’s, and there’s been a line through the McKinley halls since mid-summer. One girl apparently went nuts and ate a pigeon. Lol. The school board is slashing the Cheerios’ and Nude Erections’ budgets, which makes Schue and Sue furious about the same thing for a change. They think a better way to get alumni donations is to have a strong-like-bull football team, not a couple of killer-yet-gay extra curricular clubs, like jumping and screaming in uniforms, or standing still and screaming in tuxedo dresses.

In order to lead the football team to glory, Principal Figgins has brought in Coach Shannon Biest, played by John Travolta from Hairspray. Biest appears to be Sue, but brunette, a hundred pounds heavier, and further along in her hormone cycles. Sue and Schue plan to make her transition to McKinley more painful than her morning un-tuck ritual, which takes over six minutes and involves a lot of cry-screaming.

Nude Erections didn’t even place at the Gleempetition last season, and if they want any chance of beating Vocal Adrenaline this year, they need some new singers in the mix. Nationals is being held in New York City this year, home of The Great White Way and Maggie Gyllenhaal. They figure anyone worth their weight in sheet music would kill a lesbian for the chance to take a school trip to New York to scream about someone else’s feelings, so they use that trip as their number-one unspecified-yet-highly-eluded-to recruitment tool. They sing “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-Z outdoors during McKinley’s no-food lunch recess (“the song of the year,” according to Schue WHO WOULD KNOW), and set exactly two sets of toes a-tapping. Finn’s lost a lot of weight. I will try, this season, to not complain every time someone raps, because it seems that that’s what everyone in America besides me and other ears-havers want. This is a rap song.


Jay-Z’ing didn’t help the recruitment process as much as the Gleetards hoped, so they have to really get creative—they have to hang up posters. Finn designed a hyper-masculine poster with an army motif to snag him and Puck a new Mike to sandwich (she’s taken and Artie’s wheels get snagged in their bushes Rumpelstiltskin-style), which he hangs in the boys’ locker room. In the locker room, he watches a new student, Sam, (who, physically, is the love-child of Justin Bieber, Hunter Parrish, and Schue’s Manhunt-browsing sock) take a long steamy shower and sing “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison. Sister can sing, and shower, BELIEVE. God bless Ryan Murphy’s casting couch of horrors!



Meanwhile, across school, Rachel has cornered a new Filipino exchange-student, Sunshine, in the girls’ room, whom she assaults with appalling and not-hilarious ESL hate-speech. Then the two of them duet “Telephone” by Lady Gaga with some serious auto-tune, and Sue walks in at the end and tells them to shut up. Thanks, Sue! Rachel is uber-threatened by Sunshine’s great singing, and seems to not want her to audition for Nude Erections after all.

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Sue and Schue order 25 pizzas under Biest’s name to haze her, but she just calmly pays for them and lets the football team eat pizza. Then Artie asks Finn to help him try out for the football team, because he’s so jealous of Mike who gets to read The Girl Who Played With Fire out loud to Tina every night, since they fell in love at Asian camp. Mike is smokin’ this season, whaaaaat? Not that he was ugly last year, just sayin’. Jesus.


Artie thinks he has a great shot at making the team, since Kurt was able to last year; but, according to Finn “being gay isn’t a handicap” (tell that to The Senate).

It’s time for Sam the built-ass twink to sing again, and weirdly the show made him put clothes onto his body for the occasion. He sings the editors of Stereogum’s #1 most favorite single of the century (one can assume) “Billionaire” by Sublime’s OD Ghost Travie McCoy, with all the dick-having Gleetards on backup. More rapping.

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Rachel is so worried about Sunshine trying out for Nude Erections and blowing up her spot that she hires some goons to Slushee her, Mercedes, and Kurt in front of Sunshine, for intimidation. But Kurt and Mercedes are like “c’mon,” so she calls it off and instead tells Sunshine the auditions are being held in a murder-crack-den across town, which nodoy she believes. Sue and Schue continue their bullying of Coach Biest Forrest Gump style, all “seat’s taken” in the lunchroom, and the big lady cries about it.

Biest’s sour mood explodes when Finn asks her if Artie can try out for the team, and she kicks him off the team for insulting the institution of football. All the bananas in the world won’t soothe that ouch-y, being quarterback was most of what made Finn think it was okay to sing and dance in public with his asshole friends.

Quinn shows up to Cheerio’s try-outs and Sue is super mean to her. But Quinn tells her that it would be great PR for the squad if they help rehabilitate a teen mom. Then Finn tries out for the squad because to some people that is VERY funny. He does a purposely-bad dance to “I’ve Got the Power” by Snap.

Sue demotes Santana to the bottom of the Cheerio’s pyramid because apparently over the summer she got a boob job. I guess the production budget was blown for season two (buying Sam out of his Corbin Fisher contract must’ve cost a pretty penny), because they didn’t even pad her uniform, not that she needed it. Santana is beautiful. Taking over for Santana as head of the Cheerio’s? QUINN!!!!!!!! Obvsnodoy, Quinn and Santana then get in a very short yet raw and delicious smackdown, which Schue bravely breaks up, knowing that his helmet of reeds will protect him, Crusades style.



Then Sue forces Brittany the Perfect to tell Principal Figgins that Coach Biest molested her boobs. Schue intervenes, knowing aaaaaaaall too well how much it sucks to be on a sex-offender registry, and Brittany the Perfect cops to the lie: “I made it up. Coach Biest didn’t touch my boobs. Actually, I really wanna touch her boobs.” Wow, and OSCAR.

Mike and Tina find out about Rachel’s big plan to plunge Sunshine into darkness because the Asian community is very tight-knit, their words not mine. Rachel decides to give Sunshine a second chance, during which time she screams “Listen,” a bonus track deep-cut from Dreamgirls the movie, but not the original show. Ferocious.


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Schue decides to make peace with Coach Biest, which enrages Sue, who’s just prepared a beautiful batch of her famous dog poop cookies to offer her big scary nemesis. Finn asks Sam why he never came to formally audition for Nude Erections, when clearly his nude erection is a Tony Award winning chanteuse unto herself. Sam’s not trying to taint his rep at a brand new school (his old school knew aaaaall about his taint, especially the PE department), plus coach Biest just made him the new quarterback of the football brothel.

Schue welcomes Sunshine to Nude Erections, but unfotch she needs to decline—she’s been poached by Vocal Adrenaline, on Sue’s tip, who’ve offered her a condo across town and a Green Card for her mom. Fuckin’ Sue…

Finn tells Rachel to apologize to all the Gleetards for being a self-obsessed fame-bitch and ruining everyone’s lives to maintain her own throne of shittiness. Her hair looks great, no? It’s very accurate and beautiful to give Rachel bangs now, years after the fact. She agrees to apologize, but first she needs some Rachel-time to gather her thoughts and feel her feelings. She does this in true Rachel style, by imagination-screaming “What I Did For Love” from A Chorus Line, and crying big Anime tears all over her Bed Bath and Beyond goose-down lips.

A fitting first episode to a whole new year of Gleettonous heaven-nightmares. Word on the AOL is that Kurt’s gonna have a boyf this year, which is lovely, and if Apple was smart, they’d make an app to mute everyone but Brittany the Perfect, and just play Fleetwood Mac over the rest of the bullshit. God, I love this show. ‘Til then, you know I’ll be watching, and clapping, and flinching, and spitting up, and guffawing, and taking you-know-what breaks if Sam doesn’t get fired! To Gleefinity and beyond!