Anti-Masturbation Candidate Christine O’Donnell Wins Delaware Primary (That Is Your Candidate, Delaware)

In yesterday’s primary election, tea party candidate Christine O’Donnell pulled an upset win in Delaware over 9-term incumbent Republican candidate Mike Castle. Congratulations, Christine O’Donnell. And congratulations Delaware! You guys are doing great! O’Donnell had the important endorsement of Sarah Palin, which certainly helped her claim the nomination, and she has taken up the Palin mantle of presenting herself as a woman of the people doing the hard work of being super down to Earth. (On that note: the popular contemporary argument that somehow our elected leaders should all be a bunch of sloppy, lazy shitheads like the rest of us is so impossibly insulting and wrong-minded that it makes me insane. Our leaders should be the best that we have to offer. Obviously, they are all humans and humans are the worst, so we’re already at a deficit in terms of finding good ones, but we should at the very least try.)

For those of us who don’t live in Delaware, one question we might ask is “Who is Christine O’Donnell?” And also “What are her qualifications to enter one of the most important governing bodies in our modern democracy?” Good questions. Very critical. Well, after O’Donnell’s surprise win last night, Rachel Maddow provided answers to both of these questions when she unearthed a clip from 1996 in which O’Donnell appears on an MTV documentary about sex (AN MTV DOCUMENTARY ABOUT SEX!) talking about her IMPORTANT mission to END masturbation in America. Because life is precious, and God, and the Bible.

COOL! Too cool? Probably too cool.

Before we go further, and perhaps this goes without saying, we are all entitled to believe whatever we want to believe, even Christine O’Donnell. If you think that masturbation literally opens a gate to hell through which your genitals will detach themselves from your body and plummet into the flames before the gate seals up again with a wisp of smoke leaving you to walk the Earth with a raw scar describing your transgression, that is fine, YOU ARE WELCOME TO THAT FUCKING STUPID IDEA. Just, you know, STAY OUT OF MY GOVERNMENT.

Good lord. I’m sure that if you unearthed a video of what I was up to 14 years ago, I wouldn’t come out looking very good and would probably be mildly embarrassed and full of explanations for how I have grown and changed as a person in the interim. A bunch of us probably feel that way! 14 years is a long time! But do you know what the difference is between us and Christine O’Donnell? In addition to the fact that our theoretical embarrassment over a metaphorical video would stem from choices in haircuts and possibly the things that we say in the video that we clearly seem to think are “jokes” despite the fact that they are obviously not jokes, rather than embarrassment over making a specious link between “evil” masturbation and FUCKING AIDS, the real difference is more just that we have the decency NOT TO RUN FOR CONGRESS. Because we, unlike Christine O’Donnell, are aware that WE DON’T BELONG THERE.

But like I said, congrats Delaware! Put a ring on it! (Thanks for the tip, dexterbotwin.)