True Blood S03E12: Season Finale

There was no recap two weeks ago because we live in a complicated world and sometimes recaps don’t happen. In retrospect, I’m not even sure if I saw the whole episode? I know that Vampire Eric made a deal with Vampire King of Mississippi in a Vampire Museum to deliver him the Fairy Sookie so that he could taste her sweet nectar and become a “sun-walker,” the most elusive of Vampire Dreams. (Oh good LORD!) And also were-pumas and Sam having his period and Arlene is having a voodoo baby or something. Tara and Sam got it in. The little boy who is also a dog robbed a safe. Sookie’s fairy dreams demand that she jump into the graveyard chandelier swimming pool before they steal her “light.” Bill sells Sookie out and the vampires pass her around like a bong? And finally: silver handcuffs in a parking lot. Honestly, I have no idea what’s going on in this show FOR ADULTS, but I do know that this week is the season finale, and that tastes sweeter to me than any fairy blood from a pinch-faced magic waitress.

AND SO: Vampire Eric has silver-handcuffed (right) himself to Vampire King of Mississippi in the graffitoed parking-lot of Fangtasia so that they can die together and he will have his final revenge on the werewolf-lord who killed his Viking father 1,000 years ago. (My landlord really needs to appreciate what I do to ensure that he gets his money on time!)

I guess when you drink fairy blood you can’t actually go out in the sun? Or you can? It seems like you kind of can and also can’t, because they keep saying that you can, but now you can’t. Another Klassic Kase of True Blood’s Rubber Rules. Ghost Godric (oh boy) appears to Eric in a vision and asks that Eric not kill Vampire King but rather show mercy and forgiveness. Of course, one has to again wonder, if Vampires are undead creatures without feelings or souls, HOW DO THEY HAVE GHOSTS? But nevermind, right? “Nevermind! We don’t care!” — Adult American TV Viewers. Eric refuses to show mercy because he misses his daddy a lot.

Sookie wakes up from her dream about MAGICAL CHANDELIERS (no joke) and rushes out to save Eric. The Vampire King talks some trash and she blows up the silver handcuffs (right) with her magic forcefields (right) and then she blasts the Vampire King in the face and drags Eric inside by the scruff of his leather coat. She makes Bill bite her arm so that she can feed Eric her blood so that he can heal from almost dying in the sun from when he silver-handcuffed himself to a Vampire King in the parking lot to avenge his viking father’s Nazi werewolf death. IS IT TOO EARLY TO START DRINKING?

Eventually, Sookie goes outside and rescues the Vampire King with a silver chain around his throat and they tie him to a stripper’s pole and then all the Vampires have to go down to the basement and nap. Sookie stays to guard him, and he tries to make some kind of deal with her where he gives her 5 million dollars and his mansion in exchange for her untying him from the stripper pole and allowing him to kill everyone. Haha. Good deal! This guy is the Howie Mandel of Vampires! Sookie pours his dead gay vampire lover’s rotten guts down the garbage disposal. He sad.

Lafayette is having vampire blood drug visions. He calls his boyfriend on a payphone.

Wait a second. Really? Lafayette, the tough-talking, fabulous homosexual with a lucrative drug trade DOESN’T OWN A CELL PHONE? Lafayette FAIL! They’ve got very competitive pricing plans these days, Lafayette! I’m sure he’s just anxious about signing a two-year agreement, but he shouldn’t be anxious, considering that he’s, you know, a drug dealer who lives in a town full of pumawolves and Vampires. Surely a cell phone contract is the least scary of those monsters. Also his boyfriend is a witch now? Bonk! BONK BONK BONK! That is the sound my head makes when I smash it against my floor!

Sam shoots his dog brother in the back. Sam is a JERKSHIFTER! Jason. Meth. Methwolves. Pantherdogs. Tara gets a haircut, remains the worst.


Alcide comes to the Vampire bar to protect Sookie. Bill gives him the eye. They give each other the eye. The Vampire King makes fun of Alcide for pretending to be a nice guy when he is a KILLER WEREWOLF, to which Alcide replies “RABBITS AND SQUIRRELS ONLY.” Hahahhahahaha. Rabbits and squirrels, LADIES. “I wouldn’t kick this guy out of bed for eating RABBITS AND SQUIRRELS.” — Your mom. Bill and Eric leave the bar to bury the Vampire King in cement for “100 years.” Haha. Sure. That is a really tough threat when you are immortal, I’m sure. Also, what is that all about? Burying him in cement. Give me a break. But then Bill pulls a classic Switcheroo! and buries Eric in cement. Everyone is buried in cement now. CEMENT PARTY!

Bill tells Sookie that he will do whatever he can to protect her even if it means not being in her life anymore, and that is why he buried Eric in cement. haha. And he will continue to bury everyone in cement until Sookie is safe, that is the Bill Promise. Even though Sookie is not sure why he had to bury Eric in cement, she does appreciate his attempts to keep her safe using so much cement, but uh oh, here comes Eric, covered in cement. He cockblocks the SHIT out of Bill’s Vampire Cock (gross, but that is the medical term). He explains that Bill only even knows Sookie because the Queen sent him to know her, and you remember that first night in Merlotte’s parking lot when Sookie got beat up (NO I DON’T BECAUSE BELIEVE IT OR NOT I DO NOT SPEND ALL OF MY TIME THINKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED ON THIS SHITTY PIECE OF SHIT SHITSHOW SIX YEARS AGO) that was just one of Bill’s classic Short Cons (see also: Cement Town). Sookie is so mad that she rescinds her invitation to her house and Bill literally goes flying through the air because this show is a fucking joke. Oh, and if you were wondering how Eric managed to get out of the cement, enjoy wondering because you will always wonder for “100 years.”

Bill float fights (?) the queen. Eric goes to wash his face. Sookie disappears in a magic graveyard fairy chandelier explosion. UGH. This show! BURY THIS SHOW IN CEMENT PLEASE. After the credits Alan Ball explains that they’re already hard at work on season 4 and we are going to “learn where Sookie went.” OH BOY! It’s so sad that we have to wait a whole year for this show to return to television, you guys. So fucking sad. The saddest, probably. Blood tears.