The 2010 MTV Video Music Awards

Oh good grief. First of all, let me just say that I recognize that at times I become an instrument of self-parody. “I hate this, I hate that, 2012!” — Gabe. I get it. I am aware. I think that’s just what happens when you spend every single day coming up with 10 “opinions” about 30-second YouTube videos of cats farting in outer space. (And also True Blood is a terrible television show.) And sometimes I play into this role more strongly than others, and sometimes when I do that it makes me mildly uncomfortable because I recognize that I’m giving into a worldview that might not be entirely honest, but is certainly more entertaining to read on a daily basis than a constant, shrugging analysis of how mediocre most things are. All of that being said, THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES. We can all agree that last night’s 2010 MTV Video Music Awards was basically the worst thing, right? I mean, I know the MTV Video Music Awards in general are a sad affair completely detached from their original purpose, which was already flimsy at best, but good lord what even was that? Besides just being kind of boring, I actually forgot they were even giving awards out for the first hour. And don’t get me started on Chelsea Handler. OK, you might as well get me started on Chelsea Handler. Chelsea Handler was really bad at doing that! I’m sure hosting an awards show is an incredibly difficult and stressful job, but rarely do you see someone give into the difficulty and stress so completely. Isn’t she used to being on TV? And doesn’t she have a staff of talented writers who craft jokes for her? Then why did it seem like her head was constantly about to roll of her body into Khloe Kardashian’s lap, and why were all of her jokes stolen from a racist comedian’s open mic joke book (from 2008)? It would certainly have been awkward for MTV to have fired her in the middle of the program, but certainly no more awkward than it was letting her keep hosting after the first five minutes. ANYHOW: I didn’t even make it through the whole show, which I am sure is unprofessional, and good luck firing someone who has already quit, but when they made the announcement that we should all stay tuned to “find out how Rihanna’s surprise appearance is blowing up on Twitter in 90 seconds,” I had to turn it off. I’m a fucking adult, for heaven’s sake! My only regret is not finding out what Pop Tarts’ big announcement was. It’s a huge regret, as you can imagine.

Complete list of winners at the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards after the jump:

Best Collaboration: Lady GaGa ft. Beyonce Knowles – “Telephone”
Best Female Video: Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance”
Best Male Video: Eminem – “Not Afraid”
Best Hip-Hop Video: Eminem – “Not Afraid”
Best New Artist: Justin Bieber ft. Ludacris – “Baby”
Best Pop Video: Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance”
Best Rock Video: 30 Seconds to Mars – “Kings and Queens”
Best Dance Music Video: Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance”
Video of the Year: Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance”
Best Art Direction: Florence and the Machine – “Dog Days Are Over”
Best Choreography: Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance”
Best Cinematography: Jay-Z & Alicia Keys – “Empire State of Mind”
Best Direction: Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance”
Best Editing: Lady GaGa – “Bad Romance”
Best SFX (Special Effects): Muse – “Uprising”
Breakthrough Video: The Black Keys – “Tighten Up”