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Top Chef S07E12: UNAMERICAN!

Excuse me, but has Top Chef forgotten 9/11 already? Our country was attacked! Now the enemy is trying to build a TERRORIST BREEDING CAMP right next to the World Trade Center Sbarro’s, and Top Chef is holding its season finale in Singapore. Unbelievable. ENGLISH IS NOT EVEN THEIR OFFICIAL LANGUAGE THERE, YOU GUYS! (Although, there are tons of white people everywhere, apparently, as we will discuss later.) Anyway, Kevin, Kelly, Ed, and Angelo all arrive at a picnic table in Singapore’s historic Food Cart District. Kelly asks Ed how his flight was. “Awesome.” Haha. Really, Ed? I mean, I’m sure it is exciting to be in the final four and to get to go to Singapore for the first time, but we’ve all been on airplanes before. A 16-hour flight (with or without a 5 hour layover in Frankfurt) is not “awesome.” “How swollen are your feet?” “Awesome!” Ed also interviews that he didn’t pack his bag to come all this way and get kicked off the show. Whoops. Whoever DID pack their bag to come all that way and get kicked off the show picked a terrible strategy! Kevin interviews that he just came to have fun and really soak in the whole experience. Yikes. Rookie mistake. Sounds like Kevin packed his bag just to go home!

After a quick tour of Singapore’s famous noodle jails (“As you can see each kitchen is a jail cell, and the chefs are prisoners, and their food is pain.”) the chefs encounter Padma standing in a food court. “Uh oh, not good” everybody says. What? These guys are idiots. Padma GOOD! Hi, Padma! Anyway: it is time for the Quickfire Challenge: make street food using a wok.

Everyone is sweating. I’m pretty sure everyone is making sweat skewers and sweat-soup dumplings. Angelo’s heart is “pounding out of his shirt.” He really has a way with the language that is normal and not from outer-space! Within the first 10 minutes of the show we are reminded 100 times that Angelo cooks Asian food, so he has this challenge in the bag. You know what? Something tells me Angelo doesn’t have this challenge in the bag! Just something vague I can’t even put my finger on about the way dramatic tension works. Who will beat him? Will it be Kelly or Ed? We know that it won’t be Kevin, because a) it just won’t, and b) he’s never cooked in a wok before. “What’s wrong with you?” Padma asks. GOOD QUESTION! What is wrong with you, Kevin? Kevin explains that he’s never cooked with a wok because…I’m not really sure why. He says something about not having “those big burners” at home. Does he mean no stove whatsoever? Because I have a wok and have cooked with it, and I am not even a professional chef on a competition show about kitchen talents. On top of that, I never made it into the final four and prepared for a trip to Asia. Goodnight, Kevin!

Ed wins. For the first time in Top Chef history, the winner of the Quickfire Challenge in the finale gets immunity. Congratulations, Ed. The best thing about Ed is that you know he’s going to be a mature adult about this and respect the work of his competitors and not make gloat-faces for the next 45 minutes.

Oh.

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs are on a single team preparing dinner for a Food & Wine party. That night, they begin preparing the menu. Ed suggests they only need four dishes, one dish each. Everyone seems kind of unsure about this, but if Ed says so, then sure. Wait, what? Ed has immunity. As Angelo will later interview, he could present a hot dog and he will make it to the final three. So why is anyone listening to him? Especially when the next day, Ed secretly explains that he was planning to do two dishes all along. Gross. I think Ed is a talented chef, and I know that this is a competition show, and I know that this competition is entering its final phase, but gross. It’s really rude to throw people under the bus when you have an UNLIMITED BUS PASS. Angelo explains that he likes that Ed has immunity. He thinks immunity is a crutch. Haha. Shut up, Angelo. He says that the spark in the forest has been lit. You lost me, Angelo. ANGELO, YOU ARE A TOTAL COCONUT!

Shop shop shop. Cook cook cook. Although, not much cooking. Everything needs to be prepared a-la-minute, which means they can do very little prep. Tom comes in and gives everyone shit for only cooking one dish. “This is a Food & Wine party!” Haha. Relax, Tom. I mean, if you want them to cook more dishes, that is reasonable, but don’t pretend like it’s to keep up the great and well-known legacy of Food & Wine parties. Everyone freaks out, and is so mad at Ed for snookering them into cooking one dish when he was planning to cook two dishes all along and also has immunity. And then, within two seconds, everyone has a really elaborate and thoughtful dish mapped out and ready to go. Huh. Either they are all very talented, or this show is a fucking LIAR.

“That’s my mother’s spoon,” Ed says. What is even going on at this point?

They serve the meal, despite all the servers being TOTALLY Asian and not even being American at all. Seriously, everyone in the kitchen is so frustrated with the service. Relax, racists. Everyone eating dinner at the Food & Wine party is just KLASSIC Singapore, born & braised.

They all look the same over there, you can’t even tell them apart.

Everyone seems to have really cooked at the top of their game. Good job, guys. Like, there are nit-picky things with everyone’s dishes, kind of, but for the most part all the judges love everything. In the end, Ed wins! He had immunity and he still blew it out of the park with his hot dog and bowl of lukewarm water. It probably didn’t hurt that he sabotaged everyone and made them scramble to get a second dish put together. And so here we are. Who will move on to the final Challenge, and who packed their bags just so that they could go back home? In the Stew Room, which is BEAUTIFUL by the way, everyone is saying that it is going to be them who goes home. They are all trying to out self-sacrifice in front of each other. Enough. Kelly goes home for her gritty cold fish soup, which everyone loved when they were eating, but then decided was very gritty and gross. It sounds so gross when you describe it that way! The tension is so thick, you could cut it with Angelo’s awkwardness!

Goodbye, Kelly. At least now you can go back to Colorado and have a bunch of children to match your haircut. You look like a mom, Kelly!

Next week: Angelo dies.