As the chefs are getting ready for another episode, Kevin is trimming his sideburns and talking about how nervous he is. You should be nervous! It is almost impossible that Kevin has not gone home yet. I’m sure he is talented enough in a Gabe-vs-Kevin cook-off, or whatever. But you know Kenny is sitting at home watching this and just being a beast in the living room. Meanwhile, Angelo is in the Lemon Patch talking to Kelly when he finally drops the bombshell on us: his wife divorced him a year ago. Because her mom wanted him to be a lawyer? But now he is engaged to a Russian woman he’s only met once? Huh. Angelo’s Facebook definitely says “It’s Complicated.” I’ve never been married, but is that a real thing? “My mom wants you to be a lawyer, or a doctor. This is over!” Probably. That’s probably the main reason for divorce in America and/or wherever Angelo is from. A test tube? Not being a lawyer is the leading cause for the dissolution of test tube robot marriages to human women.
The Quickfire Challenge this year is centered around wine, for which Angelo has a real passion. Everyone in the room pretty much has a real passion for wine. “Wait is that wine? Can I have some?” That’s what most of them say. “My only question is how much wine can I drink right now?” They all get drunk, probably. Kevin tries to put a lid on a pressure cooker. Haha. Drunk Kevin.
The guest judge for the challenge is Dana Cowin, editor in chief at Food & Wine magazine. Get it? Food & Wine? WINE? You get it. She walks around the room giving everyone mom-face.
Kevin’s quail and Kelly’s wild boar are her least favorite, but she likes Tiffany’s waygu beef and Angelo’s sauteed foie gras. Well, no duh. Those are two things that go really great with wine. (They also go really great with water. They’re just great is my point.) Angelo wins! He gets a trip to London. Cool. Maybe he can meet his Russian bride there and hide here in his suitcase. “What do mean, does my suitcase have a passport? It’s just a suitcase, man! IT’S COMPLICATED!”
For the Elimination Challenge, the contestants are brought to NASA, and actual astronauts talk to them from SPACE.
Professionals at the top of their field have worked extremely hard throughout their career to achieve something that very few humans ever will: to deliver the hairbrained restrictions for a Top Chef Elimination Challenge. Honestly, if I was in fucking outerspace and had to deliver the hairbrained restrictions for a Top Chef Elimination Challenge, I would at least want to deliver them to a Richard Blaise or a Fabio Viviani. Not this rag tag group of losers. Although, it is nice to know that NASA is still strictly For Nerds By Nerds.
Get in your space locker, space dork!
Anyway, the challenge is to make food that can be freeze dried, loaded into a rocket, and blasted into SPACE. Supposedly. I mean, it’s hard to tell. People are cooking, like, halibut? In a saffron broth? Really? Your’e going to shoot some halibut in saffron broth into outerspace? Tiffany was going to put mussels into her sauce, but the mussels froze and she couldn’t use them. Oh, I guess that is too bad, how you can’t put mussels into your SPACE FOOD. Huh? Everyone needs to take a time out.
Shop shop shop cook cook cook. Frozen mussels. Blast off. Oh, whoever wins this challenge will not only be going to the finale in Singapore, they will also be driving away in a brand new Toyota Avalon. Everyone runs out to the car as if they’ve never even seen a fucking car before.
Relax, ladies. Everyone makes jokes about how this is their car. No it’s not. It’s almost none of your cars. I do kind of wish Kevin would win the car, but also somehow get eliminated. I guess I’m saying that I want to see Kevin drive home.
When it is time to serve the food, Buzz Aldrin is one of the guest judges. Oh lord. I mean, he is a true American hero, I’m sure, but even true American heroes shouldn’t be forced to appear on corny reality shows at the age of 203. “I believe you selected me for this episode not because I was one of the first people to ever walk on the face of the moon, but because I understand the subtlety of cooking food that can be fed through a tube. I’m old!” Tom actually has the nerve to ask Buzz Aldrin how it felt to walk on the moon. Uh, I’ll answer that one: “GREAT!” What a dumb question. Literally the second dumbest question. If only he had asked Buzz Aldrin where he gets his ideas. Also, why don’t Anthony Bourdain and Eric Ripert just get married already?
The chefs present their space food, but this guy is not impressed.
Back at Judges’ Table, everyone gets a little criticism with a little praise. They liked Kelly’s artichokes but the dish wasn’t very original. Anthony Bourdain thinks Ed nailed his Moroccan flavors, but Eric Ripert thinks
Anthony Bourdain’s lips are very kissable the dish was too complicated. Everyone enjoyed Angelo’s beef, although Tom thinks the candied ginger was too sweet. Angelo explains that he was really submissive in creating the dish. THAT IS WHAT SHE SAID, ALTHOUGH EVERYONE AGREES THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT. Nonsense garbage sentences aside, Angelo wins. He drives himself back to the Stew Room where he uses the car key like a chain of Rosary beads and says “thank you Jesus.” Haha. Somehow even that sounds so fake and weird. “I’m supposed to thank Jesus here, right? That is how humans make?”
With Angelo safe, it barely matters who is eliminated, but that’s not true, because they eliminate Tiffany, who had made an impressive run over the past few episodes to become Angelo’s most formidable competition. TIFFANY! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Now imagine one of the hands is black.
Kevin starts thanking Jesus. Sure. He should. “Thank you Jesus for allowing me to advance further than I deserve in a reality show. We all know I should have been eliminated weeks ago, but by your Grace I have somehow managed to cling on in a way no one could have expected.”
Goodbye, Tiffany. We will all miss you. All of us except Ed’s girlfriend, probably.