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True Blood S03E10: Fucking Fairies, How Do They Barf

First of all, a big congratulations to True Blood stars Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer, who got for real life married this weekend in Malibu or somewhere. It is not uncommon for actors and actresses to develop actual human emotions for each other during the long and arduous days of playing XBOX and getting rimjobs in their trailers shooting a television show, but for some reason this off-screen romance has always been really funny to me. For some reason. Could be any reason at all. Oh right, I know why: BECAUSE THEY ARE ON A SHOW ABOUT VAMPIRES AND WEREWOLVES, AND ONE OF THEM PLAYS A VAMPIRE ON THE SHOW. I’m sure their secret flirtations were really intense. “In that scene, when you bit me on the neck with your fake fangs and then the director said to cut because your eyes didn’t look dead enough, and then I said the line ‘I believe the vampires deserve equal rights under the law as humans get’ was so hot, let’s get married.'” Grad students may be the worst, but I think we can all agree that actors are the second worst.

So, Bill knows what Sookie is. And now we know what she is: A FUCKING FAIRY. Hey, Jason Stackhouse, over here! You got any of them wooden bullets left? PLEASE SHOOT ME IN THE FACE WITH ONE OF THEM. I’m not a mythical creature, but I am sure it will get the job done.

When Bill tells Sookie she is a fairy, she says “well that’s lame,” because this show prides itself on being knowing and winking and self-aware. The creators want you to know that they know that the show is terrible, as if somehow that turns the show back into being a good show. It’s like when my mom theatrically announces that there are no calories in a bite of dessert if that bite of dessert is eaten off your plate. Of course, we all know that there absolutely are calories in a bite of dessert, no matter whose plate that bite is sitting on. And we also know that this show is terrible no matter who makes a sly acknowledgement of that fact. It doesn’t change anything at all. Sookie is right, the fact that she is a fairy is fucking lame. If the makers of this show are so self-conscious, WHY DON’T THEY MAKE THEIR SHOW BETTER or even better still NOT MAKE THE SHOW AT ALL?

There’s some nonsense about how vampires ate all the fairies because of their delicious light blood or something? I don’t know. I’m an adult, sitting on a couch that he paid for with his own money, from working at a human job, and I just found out a character on the TV is a fairy (who is fucking a vampire) and now I’m supposed to get invested in the make believe history of this mythological nightmare that they are literally pulling out of their ass right in front of my eyes? No. Sorry. There are lines in this world, and True Blood has just crossed (another) one.

Eric has a meeting with a vampire lawyer to complete his last vampire will and testament. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA. What? WHAT? Vampires have wills? THIS SHOW!!!!!!! Pam is upset. ARGH. This show is so frustrating! I know that I said this last week, and I’m sure I will say it again next week, but either vampires have emotions or they do not have emotions. IT IS LITERALLY ONE OR THE OTHER. “They’re cold blooded murderers without sympathy, but also they cry blood tears, and are constantly upset with each other like a bunch of junior high school bitches.”

Sam keeps having flashbacks to when he was Sawyer on Lost. You see, before he was a weak-willed bar managing shape-shifter, he was a slick-haired, short con running shape-shifter. No he wasn’t. This plotline is one of the least believable plot lines on the whole show, and if I may take a moment to remind you: THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT WEREWOLVES AND VAMPIRES AND SHAPE-SHIFTERS, AND FAIRIES NOW ALSO. I just don’t buy that he was once a jewel thieving murderer engaged in double-reversal back-stabbing who then became a kind of wimpy hamburger salesman. It doesn’t add up! (I’m detective Gabe Bellefleur!)

And let’s just skip over Lafayette’s Vampire Blood Vision Quest? I’m pretty sure you’ve already read about it in Jonathan Saffron Four’s book, Extremely Long, and Incredibly Boring.

Now everyone is scared of the Vampire King of Mississippi, who is being referred to as “the Vampire Terrorist” or something. Next thing you know, there’s going to be an episode about the Ground Zero Vampire Bar. This show is nothing if not willing to use its mythological sex objects as overbearing cyphers for the politically marginalized. He has sex with some gay hooker and stabs him with a wooden stake because of his boyfriend. I guess it would be hard if your boyfriend of 7,000 years got murdered. But then again, VAMPIRES AREN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE EMOTIONS. So it’s tough to know.

Sookie goes to see Eric. He says she can’t trust Bill. He also says that he learned how to act really moody and melodramatic from a teenager in a Cure cover band. She asks why she can’t trust Bill, and he’s like “because make out with me.” Whatever. Pam tells Eric to put Sookie in the Saw basement. So Eric puts Sookie in the Saw basement. Whoops.

Tara remains the worst.

Next week: second to last episode of the season! INCREDIBLE NEWS!