Encyclopedia Monsters And The Case Of Chelsea Handler And The VMAs

OK, Horatios Cane Jr., get out your magnifying glasses and your fingerprints, because we’ve got another exciting mystery that needs solvin! It was announced today that someone named Chelsea Handler will be hosting this year’s MTV Video Music Awards, America’s most IMPORTANT and NECESSARY awards show. Let’s examine the FACTS. From the New York Times:

On Wednesday, she was officially announced as the host of the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards, which will be shown on Sept. 12. That makes Ms. Handler the first woman to get the gig since 2007 (when the program was hosted by Sarah Silverman) and only the fourth female M.C. to come from outside MTV’s walls (the awards program was hosted by Roseanne Barr in 1994, and Bette Midler was a co-host in its 1984 debut.)

“If there’s one awards show that I should be hosting, it’s probably this one,” Ms. Handler said in a telephone interview. “My personality probably wouldn’t jell with the Emmys or the Golden Globes.”

The evidence is all there. The only question now is: UH, WHY? I want your report on my desk by three o’clock. The DA is breathing down my neck on this one. I know you don’t like to play by the rules, but if you keep doing things your way, you’re off the force. Gun and badge. You’re on probation. GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!