A few weeks ago, when Vampire Bill was having sex with Vampire Loretta, or whatever her name was, and he grabbed her head and turned it all the way around on her neck so that her Vampire face was facing the Vampire floor, I didn’t say much. Fair enough, True Blood, was how I felt at the time. I mean, this is a soap opera about vampires and werewolves and shape-shifters and Sookie, and it prides itself on its “sexiness,” so the idea that two mythical creatures that do not exist engage in extremely violent sexual positions when they revenge hatefuck each other seemed entirely reasonable. But in the weeks that have passed, this show has just gotten progressively more and more GROSSSSS. What is going on over there? Was there a discount on fake blood with the caveat that you couldn’t get it for such a low price unless you used all of it as quickly as possible in the most disgusting ways? That’s probably it. It probably isn’t the culmination of a dozen terrible choices made by adults in charge of a show built on terrible choices. Just a bargain basement fake blood sale.
Sookie wakes up in the hospital and breaks up with Bill. She can’t trust him, and he wants her to have the normal life that he can’t give her. It’s almost like a normal break up, except for the TEARS OF BLOOD and the fact that they’re breaking up because SOMEONE IS AN UNDEAD IMMORTAL SEX-AS-DEATH-PARABLE.
I cannot care less about Sookie and Bill breaking up. It’s bad enough when I’m supposed to care about two fictional human being characters who do not exist breaking up, because I don’t care, because they’re not real, but when one of the characters is a horror monster created in 1897, I’m just like, uh. I guess the one way in which I care about them breaking up is that they represent, for better or for worse (HINT: for worse) the “emotional” axis of the show, its primary reason for existing, so perhaps if they break up then the show will break up? And go off the air? For eternity? To paraphrase Bill as he leaves the hospital room: “I will never stop wishing this show wasn’t on TV.”
SPOILER ALERT: at the end of the episode, Bill and Sookie get back together. Perfect. “There were almost 30 minutes where I didn’t know WHAT was going to happen between Bill and Sookie.”
That girl shows up that Jason Stackhouse likes for some reason. Apparently no one told him that she looks like an onion skin stretched tight over a cartoon skull. She’s got a black eye. They have sex on the couch. He drives his truck over to the meth lab (you know how it goes) and sees someone eating a deer’s neck (it, like everything on this show now, is so gross) and then he runs into Crystal’s dad (?) and tells him to leave Crystal alone and then drives away and the dad is like “I will leave her alone all right,” but in the creepy way that lets you know he’s not going to leave her alone at all. I guess the meth dealers are all shape-shifters, too? Or something like that? They almost got into a shifter fight at Merlotte’s. TYPICAL DAY IN THE LIFE OF A SHAPE-SHIFTING METH DEALER WHAT ON EARTH IS EVEN GOING ON ANYMORE?
Vampire Bill tries to kick Vampire Jessica Vampire OUT but she won’t go. So instead he gives her some self-defense training. But first he puts on a shiny leather jacket.
“The first rule of self defense is to always be aware of whether or not you have put on your shiny leather jacket.”
Meanwhile, Eric is clearly up to something with the Vampire King of Mississippi and also Louisiana now I guess ugh. He’s being very GAY. At first, the King is like, why are you being so GAY? It’s kind of weird. But then the King is like, oh who am I kidding, this is great! And then he goes to kidnap Sookie, and leaves Eric behind to FAKE GAY SURPRISE ATTACK MURDER his husband. Whoops. I’m sure this has no parallel in the real world, but if someone is acting super GAY who had never acted very GAY before, you should always be careful around them, because it might turn out that they are just pretending to be GAY in order to have fake foreplay with your gay Vampire Husband and then stab him in the back with a, what is that? Some kind of wooden, like a scepter? He will get your gay vampire husband gay vampire hard and then tell him to gay vampire turn over and then gay vampire MURDER HIM.
Blah blah blah. Oh, cool, A FUCKING NEW CHARACTER.
“Two thirds of the way through the third season of this bloated and leaden garbage show, we realized what we were missing: NOT ENOUGH NEW CHARACTERS. As you may have noticed, we’ve only introduced 16,000,000 new characters this season, which is hardly enough new characters if you really want people to feel confused and annoyed. Oh, don’t get us wrong: people were plenty confused and annoyed, but with the late addition of yet another new character, this is sure to be our most overwhelming and narratively-disjointed season yet!”
So, the Vampire King goes to Vampire Kidnap Sookie but Vampire Bill and Vampire Jessica are there and they fight some werewolves and then Sookie gets in a big fight with Alcide’s ex-girlfriend werewolf who I was not sure was an actual werewolf but it turns out later that she is, which kind of begs the question of why she didn’t just turn into a werewolf when she was fighting Sookie since it seems like that would have been a much more effective creature to be in that fight (rather than an emaciated, drug-addled, piece of white trash), but whatever, not my problem. The Vampire King almost kills Vampire Jessica, and then he almost kills Vampire Bill, but then Eric gay kills his gay husband and he flies away all mad and it turns out Jessica is not dead at all, just gross.
And Bill and Sookie get back together and have furious make-up porno sex.
Yuck. Get a coffin, you two. Get a coffin, THIS SHOW.