In Defense Of The Yogi Bear Movie

Let’s be very clear: the Yogi Bear trailer (after the jump), is incredibly awful. It’s cheap and lazy and farty and falling-downy. Not to mention the fact that Yogi Bear? It’s 2010. No one even knows what that is. Is it a brand of holographic bubble tea that you can only order on-line? The point is: there’s lots to make fun of about this all-too-common example of Hollywood’s lazy attempt at rebooting an aging franchise in order to grab a few dollars out of the wilted wallets of exhausted parents who thrill at the idea of being able to sit quietly in the dark for a couple hours, even if that quiet is occasionally broken by the piercing sound of a CGI bear crashing his moped into a Diarrhea Warehouse. It’s crass and artless and bad. But if I may, I would like to defend it. (Much as Hollywood has built its financial well-being on the backs of sad cash cows, so, too, do blogs fill their post quotas by being reactionary and contrarian.) You see, the Internet, as usual, is mad. As if this is worse than everything that came before it, but it is not. And as if this was not intended for children, which it is. Children are so stupid! And they like such awful things! Seriously, I have never met a child who was smarter than me, or had better taste. Even the irrelevance of Yogi Bear (see also: Smurfs: The Movie, for which an equal defense could be made, but I didn’t feel like it that day, and you can’t fire me because I have already quit) is completely explainable: if you can get one million children out of the 10 million who see this interested in buying Yogi Bear merch, then you have a completely successful new line of income. I didn’t go to Business School, but MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE. Complaining about the Yogi Bear movie just seems like complaining about Goober Grape. YOU’RE AN ADULT NOW. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING LOOKING AT GOOBER GRAPE?

Just kidding. What a fucking terrible nightmare of a piece of garbage shit, right guys? Let’s all go see this drunk on opening night and throw glass in some 9-year-old’s face.