True Blood S03E05: Will No One Help (Read: Eat) Tara?

Oh no, the Vampire King of Mississippi has his doubts about Vampire Bill’s loyalties! Haha. Just kidding. WHO CARES?! Someone should strap everyone on this show together and drive a stake through ALL of their hearts. Just a thought. I’m just saying that as an adult with adult responsibilities and adult concerns, it is not important to me whether or not a Vampire King (good grief) does or does not believe the word of a Vampire…guy. What is Bill, anyway? Vampire King is a King. Eric is a Vampire Bar Owner. Jessica is a Vampire Waitress. Tara’s boyfriend is a Vampire Private Detective. What is Bill? Vampire Lazy! Get a Vampire Job and a Vampire Haircut, you Vampire Hippie! So, Tara’s Vampire Boyfriend, has brought her to the Vampire King’s mansion and is doing her hair and fighting with the Gay Vampire, when Bill and the Vampire King and Loretta all walk in with blood all over their faces. Tara is like “Bill!” and Bill is like “Yuck.” Tara asks Bill to help her and Bill says “No.” FINALLY. You know, Tara would be dead by now if people had stopped helping her so much last season. Bill goes upstairs to his room to pout. Franklin (Tara’s boyfriend) tells the Vampire King that Bill is lying to him because he has a file folder about Sookie’s family tree. Huh? Whatever.

Oh look, here’s Eric! Hi, Eric!

Eric explains that he wants to hunt Bill for selling vampire blood, and the King is like, snore, and Bill is like, “Hi, Eric,” and Eric is like, “Whoops.” But so now they are all on the same team against the Queen of Louisiana, kind of, or something. Honestly, I don’t follow Vampire Politics. And I never will.

Meanwhile, Jason is a cop, doing classic cop stuff.

He doesn’t understand why he can’t be out on the streets stopping criminals. Personally, I think it has less to do with the fact that he’s completely unqualified, has absolutely no training, is functionally retarded, and uses cop cars to chase down women he thinks are cute, and more to do with the fact that they live in a small town where the sheriff’s office doesn’t even seem to have Internet, and there isn’t much crime to be stopped. Anyway, he has sex next to a lake.

Sam has given his brother a job, but his brother is still fighting with their trashy family. There is something going on between them that we don’t know about yet! Something that doesn’t matter because this plotline is boring!

And Lafayette has a new boyfriend who is very bad at managing his time.

Tara escapes from her ropes, but then a werewolf chases her down in the front yard, Mr. Burns style.

Franklin is so upset. But not as upset as I am when I see him use his Vampire super-speed to SEXT VERY FAST.

Boo on this whole show always, but especially boo on that part. Anyway, Tara is sick of eating lilies in a bowl, so Franklin offers to make her his vampire bride. Then she won’t ever have to eat lilies ever again! Ugh, can you imagine? Tara for all eternity? With that insufferable self-confidence that vampires have? “I vant to be ze vorst!”

MEANWHILE, Sookie and the werewolf and pack-leaders. Someone actually says “were-business” and doesn’t break out laughing even a little bit! They meet with the pack leader and Sookie reads his mind and he actually thinks to himself “scared shitless, never show it.” Hahaha. Good mind! She wants Alcide to take her to see the Vampire King (who she still thinks is a Vampire Antiques Dealer, because when you are an ageless vampire king who wants to keep a low profile, you definitely come up with the PERFECT cover story). But she won’t need to go see him, because he is coming to see her. Bill escapes from the mansion after he finds out that the King is planning on DeFriendstering him, and tells Sookie that she has to run, and she is like “run from what?” and the Vampire King and all his werewolves and stuff are like, “Run from THIS, duh!” But then Sookie power-blasts a werewolf in the face, just like she power-blasted Marianne last year. BOOM.

The King is like “neat.” My friend who watched the episode with me asked if Sookie is Captain Planet now. Yes. Yes she is.

P.S. Yes, I know, Eric’s viking flashback. WHAT ABOUT IT?