True Blood S03E04: Forget It, Werewolves, It’s Vampiretown

After a two week hiatus, we are back. Are you sure, True Blood? You look tired! Take the rest of the year off. Oh well. So: Vampire Bill calls Sookie on the phone. (Do Vampires have roll-over minutes? NEVERMIND, DON’T CARE.) He tells her that he doesn’t love her anymore, and that he is having vampire sex with vampire loraine (or whatever her name is, YOU google it) and that he doesn’t ever want to see Sookie again and not to come looking for him. Sookie tearfully explains to the WEREWOLF that she knows something is wrong with Bill. The last time that she saw him, he proposed marriage to her, and now he is saying that he doesn’t love her? It just doesn’t add up, says Sookie. Maybe she has a point. Then again, maybe Bill is a mythological creature that doesn’t exist, so it’s not that weird that his make-believe behavior might be erratic. Of course, we know that Bill is just telling Sookie that to protect her from the King of Mississippi, or whatever. OR IS HE?! No, he is. OR IS HE?!

More toilet paper?

So, Sookie ignores what Bill said completely and decides to continue looking for him. Which basically just means going back to the same werewolf bar again and hanging around until someone almost rapes her? She is a terrible detective. The werewolf’s sister comes over to help her get in werewolf…girlfriend…disguise? The important thing is that this show FINALLY introduced a new character. After years of satisfying itself with the same 300 people, we get some fresh faces around here. She gives Sookie a hilarious make-over.

And now she is ready…to go to a werewolf bar…and stand around. Sherlock D’ohlmes over here.

Meanwhile, Vampire Bill finally gives the King of Mississippi (oh good GRIEF) the information he wants: that Eric is selling vampire blood (a very powerful and illegal drug, you will remember) on behalf of the Queen of Louisiana. Bill threw Eric under the bus! In return for this information, Bill wants the King of Mississippi (ENOUGH OF THIS) to kill Loretta. The King is like, “killing vampires is bad or something,” and Bill is like “not if you don’t vampire tell anybody.” And the King is like, “touche.” Haha. Really? Bill has thought of all the angles, apparently. So Bill just invented vampire lying? This guy knows what Bill’s talking about:

Sam is a high school guidance counselor now?

The story of Sam meeting his family is really interesting and cool. My only wish is that it had a more prominent place in the show. But if that’s not going to happen, then at least they can stretch it out really long and just give us a little glimpse of these fascinating and exciting characters each week. This is one plotline I hope NEVER gets resolved. IT’S JUST TOO MUCH FUN!

That creepy vampire is being a creep with Tara. What does he want with Bill and Sookie? The more important question, he says, is what he wants with Tara. THAT IS A GOOD QUESTION. I’m a human being who has only been alive for a short time (62 years) and I find her entirely unbearable. It’s hard to believe that an immortal monster (an immortal monster from LONDON no less) can handle being around her. How about you do us all a solid and kill her.

Instead, he ties her to the toilet, and then also puts her phone right next to her on the lip of the sink? Weird. She almost gets the phone, but then it falls into the sink, but the real question is why was it there in the first place? “Hold on, I’ve almost got the last of these knots tightened. Don’t want you to get away hahahahha. Now let me just take the time to gently place your phone on the narrow edge of this sink, very close to you. That makes sense for me to do. Whoops! It fell. Hold on. Whoops! It fell again. It’s very hard to balance this phone, but I’m definitely going to do it.” You’d think for someone who had all of eternity stretching out before him that he could take an extra second and think this stuff through.

Anyway, later he gives her some flowers and also takes her to the King of Mississippi’s house. Don’t you think killing her would just be easier? You should seriously consider just killing her.

Jason Stackhouse cop blah blah blah. Vampire Jessica waitress blah blah blah. Pregnant.

At the werewolf bar, the whole thing turns into an Aerosmith concert 20 years ago.

The King of Mississippi shows up and gives all the werewolves some Nazi Vampire Blood shooters. Alcide (normal werewolf name, like the Jack of werewolf names probably) is like “he’s a local antiques dealer.” HAHAHAHAHA. Cool cover story. The Vampire King of Mississippi (ARGHHHH EVERY TIME I TYPE THIS I WANT TO CUT MY HANDS OFF) was like, “Sure, I’m a Nazi Vampire who leads a gang of Nazi Werewolves and dresses like some kind of Leisure Suit Larry, and I’m currently in some kind of Royal Vampire Power Struggle with another Queen Vampire and nothing makes sense and this is retarded, but the important thing is to have a BELIEVABLE COVER STORY IN CASE ANYONE ASKS.”

Person: Excuse me, but you wouldn’t happen to be the Vampire King of Mississippi and the leader of the Nazi Werewolves, would you?
Vampire King of Mississippi: Who, me? No, I’m just a local antiques dealer.
Person: How embarrassing! My mistake. Please excuse me.
Vampire King of Mississippi: No problem. Louis XIV chair?

Then everyone turns into werewolves and Sookie runs away.

Finally, the Vampire Magister (YOU KNOW) shows up at Eric’s vampire bar (FANGTASIA, REMEMBER?) and searches the place for evidence of his vampire blood cartel. He ties Pam up in the basement and tortures her. The Vampire Magister explains that the only thing worse than selling vampire blood is saying mean things about the Vampire Queen of Louisiana. So Eric throws Bill under the bus. Fair enough. TWO BUS PALS. The Vampire Magister gives him two days to gather his evidence against Bill. Otherwise…he is going to kill Pam? That hardly makes sense. I’m no VAMPIRE LAWYER, but at the very least she deserves a VAMPIRE JUNK YARD TRUCK-BED TRIAL. I rest my case.

Next week: Tara is a vampire bride? Someone seriously needs to drive a stake through the heart of whoever had the idea of keeping Tara around for ALL OF ETERNITY.