You Can Make It Up: Robot Lindsay Lohan Goes To Space Jail

The space judge banged her hover gavel on the computer desk. “I sentence you to 90 infinities in SPACE JAIL!” Robot Lindsay Lohan would have burst into battery tears, but it could not, because it was a robot, and it had not been programmed to cry at its sentencing. It did, however, turn to its Chewbacca lawyer and twist its head off with its super-strength robohands. There was acid blood and hair everywhere. “MAKE THAT 95 INFINITIES IN SPACE JAIL,” the judge shouted. Robot Lindsay Lohan let out a high-pitched, piercing electronic whine that no one could here. The frequency caused the energy gum dispenser in the hallway to power down. The space judge’s hologram blipped off and she was gone.

Two bailiffs from Mars floated over to Robot Lindsay Lohan. “You are coming with us and we are taking you to space jail!” they said. They used a power drill to remove Robot Lindsay Lohan’s robot hands so that she could not twist any more lawyers’ heads off. Then they put on her magnet boots and loaded her into the jail rocketship that takes the space jail prisoners to space jail. Robot Lindsay Lohan looked out of the window and scanned the horizon. She did not have any friends or family because she was a robot. And an asshole.


Robot Lindsay Lohan had served out 45 of her 95 infinities in space jail when life in the universe ended. It had been a difficult time for Robot Lindsay Lohan. There were so many laser fights in the Brawndo Brand Cafeteria and digital rapes in the sodium showers. Every day would have been a nightmare, if robots knew what nightmares were, but they don’t. They’re robots! What, some scientist is going to program them to know what nightmares are? What would be the point? That scientist could probably think of a million things to spend his time teaching robots other than nightmares. But still. Robot Lindsay Lohan’s robot head was partially caved in and it had lost a robot leg lightyears ago. Eventually it found an older Nic Nolte robot to protect it in exchange for cigarette sensory memory chips. But eventually the Nic Nolte robot shut down due to a gasoline overdose. Once again, Robot Lindsay Lohan found itself alone in space jail. But that was nothing compared to what happened when an exploding sun destroyed everything in the universe. Space Jail was blown off of the moon. And then there was just Robot Lindsay Lohan, the only sentient thing left in the whole universe, floating forever on a rock, hurtling into nothing. If it was lucky, maybe one day after a countless number of identical days, the rock would crash into some dead star and melt it into nothing.

And through it all, Robot Lindsay Lohan learned nothing. It just did not give a fuck, that piece of shit robot.