“Jeremy London: My Acting Skills Saved Me from Kidnappers!”

After a brief lull, the two best news stories are back in the press this week, both with wonderful and hilarious updates. Did you guys hear about Alvin Greene’s plan to resuscitate the South Carolina economy by making action figures? Of HIMSELF? Would you like a warm-up? How’s the pie? SO GOOD! Meanwhile, you can imagine my excitement at reading the following headline: Jeremy London: My Acting Skills Saved Me from Kidnappers! YESSSSS! Now we are cooking with NEWS! From People:

Jeremy London’s alleged abduction by three armed men who then forced him to do drugs seems like a crazy story [Ed. note: yes, it does!]– and the former Party of Five star knows it.

“If I heard someone saying this, I would probably doubt it as well,” London, 37, tells PEOPLE in an exclusive interview.

But he insists it happened, and shares how he survived. “I was acting my way through the whole thing, telling myself, ‘Just play like you are one of them,’ ” he says.

First of all, this still did not happen. Jeremy London was not kidnapped and forced to smoke drugs at gunpoint and buy alcohol for the neighborhood (?!) by a group of men who FIXED HIS CAR AND DROVE HIS WIFE HOME FIRST. But, let us presuppose for a moment that this did happen, and that Jeremy London survived by drawing upon his acting experience (Mallrats, Basilisk: The Serpent King) and PRETENDING TO BE ONE OF THEM? “Just be cool, Jeremy, you can do this. Slowly reach into your pocket…slower…no one’s looking, slower…pull out your tin of shoe polish…good. Now smear it all over your face. Perfect. Now, there’s an old tube of your wife’s lipstick in the map holder, slowly reach down for it. Nice, Jeremy. Now, apply the lipstick in a giant circle around your mouth. Shit. Shit! Don’t panic, but there’s nothing in the car to use for horns. Stay cool. Breathe. You’re an actor, Jeremy, the greatest actor of all time. You can do this. Remember what Scott Wolf always said: the show is go on!”

Oh man, I cannot wait until Peter Travers interviews Jeremy London about this a year from now.