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Goodbye, M. Night Shyamalan

M. Night Shyamalan’s newest movie, The Last Airbender, opens today. It is the first movie that he has directed that is not entirely his conceptually, although he did write the screenplay (because if there is one thing we all know, it is how good M. Night Shyamalan is at writing screenplays?). In the grand M. Night Shyamalan tradition, the movie is getting terrible reviews. It currently has a 9% on RottenTomatoes, which is actually up from 4% yesterday. Here is a sample quote from a review:

A soul-crushing disaster made worse by unnecessary, counterproductive 3-D, The Last Airbender fails to immediately qualify as the worst film of the summer only by virtue of the year’s abundance of other candidates.

And here is another one:

The current national priorities should be as follows: reduce carbon emissions and stop funding the films of M. Night Shyamalan.

Agreed! Perhaps, at long last, after years of foisting his personalized garbage on our faces, perhaps with his meat-fisted destruction of a franchise that some people actually LIKED before he came along, this will be the end of M. Night Shyamalan. He can move back to his Philadelphia farm house, hug his movies, and think about what he’s done. I have no idea why Hollywood continues to give this man tens of millions of dollars to do a job that he has proven time and again he is incapable of doing. It is like hiring someone to pump gas, and having them pour the gas all over your car, and then setting your car on fire, and in response, you buy a new car, and go back to do it all over again. And here’s the thing: SPOILER ALERT: he was never any good. Ever. Not even once.

I’m sorry, you guys, but The Sixth Sense, his triumph, is a mediocre movie! KABOOM! Your mind is just like “I quit, I’m too blown.” Seriously. It’s a completely serviceable Senior Thesis Project with an O’Henry twist ending that he wrote junior year. Don’t get me wrong. Scary Movie 2 wouldn’t be the same without the “I see black people” jokes in it, or whatever they are, but Bruce Willis might as well have woken up at the end of that movie and said “What a weird dream. NO MORE SHELLFISH BEFORE BED.” Garbage.

And do not even get me started on Signs, or The Village, or Lady in the Water, or The Happening.

The same car on fire, back and forth forever. At what point do people realize this guy has absolutely no idea what the fuck he is doing, and STOP giving him more money than it is even possible for the human mind to actually conceptualize? I’m not trying to be a jerk. We should all be so lucky as to realize our dreams and turn our terrible, hackneyed ideas into a reality. But this is getting ridiculous. Enough. (It would be thematically appropriate here for me to say “just kidding! Surprise, everything you thought was true is actually false,” as, like, a classic Shyamalan twist ending. Except that I genuinely believe that he is the worst and stand by everything that I have said. So, NO TWIST!)

Ugh. M. Night Shyamalan, with your fucking made up rock and roll name and your being so stupid. GO TO BED.