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True Blood S03E03: So This Show Is Just Straight-Up Porno Now?

When I was a kid, if I was listening to a particularly racy serial on the old crystal radio kit, I’d keep my hand on the dial so that if Ma or Pa walked in, I could change the channel quickly and make it look like I was listening to cartoons. And that is how I felt watching this show last night. Holy cow! I hope everyone covered their eyes for most of that! I know this show is supposed to be sexy, or whatever, you know, like how fucking cold, pale, re-animated corpses and/or puppy shapeshifters is sexy (?) but last night was really taking it to the next level, and some of us were FINE at the OLD LEVEL. In fact, some of us even found the previous level SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE because of how some of us are not SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO ACTUAL MONSTERS. But anyway, right, so Eric is about to fight a werewolf and then Sookie shoots a gun at it, and now we are in The Matrix, I guess. Eric watches the bullet for a second, because THAT IS HOW FAST HE IS AT WATCHING, and then he jumps in front of the bullet! What?! Oh no! Eric, are you OK? Would you like someone to call a FANGBULANCE? Oh. It turns out jumping in front of the bullet was his way of tricking the werewolf into turning into a human in order to get some of that sweet sweet vampire blood. This is confusing. Because a moment later he kills the werewolf, and when he is burying the werewolf in the backyard (right) he explains to Sookie that werewolves are too strong when they drink vampire blood (I am an adult typing these sentences, NEVER FORGET) so it seems like maybe taking a bullet and allowing the werewolf to drink his blood and every other aspect of this ridiculously over-contrived plot point could have been avoided by just, you know, fighting the werewolf normal. Oh man. WHY AM I EVEN TRYING TO THINK THROUGH THIS RATIONALLY?

Meanwhile, Vampire Bill threw an oil lantern in Lorena’s stupid face, but she’s fine. Everyone is always fine on this show two seconds after we’re supposed to think they’re not fine. Lame.

Bill is still being held captive by the King of Mississippi who wants him to change his allegiance. Honestly, I do not understand anything that is going on in this entire aspect of the show, and I do not care. If I wanted to understand the intricacies of VAMPIRE POLITICS, I would have STUDIED IT IN SCHOOL. I mean, honestly, no offense to vampires, but if you are really a centuries old race of wealthy, immortal homosexuals, don’t you think you could have come up with a better system than state-by-state monarchy? That is so many kings and queens! Also, at some point later in the episode, Bill decides that he IS going to switch allegiances in order to save Sookie (snore) and so he just puts on his finest white-linen blazer and walks into the sitting room and announces that he is switching allegiances and that’s the end of it. Really? You don’t have to sign anything or kill anything or “turn” anything? That almost seemed TOO easy. The vampire government could SERIOUSLY use some checks and balances.

Incidentally, Bill decides to give in to the Vampire King of Mississippi’s demands (oh good grief) after having a bad dream about the time where he had to erase his wife’s memory Men in Black style. Personally, I have never had a dream in which an entire dramatic event from my past was played out accurately and in chronological order with absolutely no dream embellishment whatsoever, but I suppose I’ve also never had a BEING A VAMPIRE. So.

Meanwhile, Tara has sex with that other Vampire and it’s the grossest thing I have ever seen.

Tara is the worst.

Sookie is going to Mississippi to look for Bill, because they are in love, and when you are in love, you travel across state lines going from werewolf bar to werewolf bar (oh, by the way, THERE ARE WEREWOLF BARS NOW) trying to find a lead on your VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND who was KIDNAPPED by a KING OF A STATE. So Eric sends a werewolf to help her, because vampires can’t help her because they have to sleep, I guess. Also, they explain that he is helping Eric because his dad owes him a debt on a construction project or something? Good. I’m sure Alan Ball wrote 50 pages of backstory of this goddamned werewolf, just so that he could really GET INTO THE WEREWOLF’S MIND and UNDERSTAND HIS MOTIVATIONS. This show is nothing if not thorough and smart and filled with important detail and three-dimensional characters. Anyway, the werwolf is sad because his ex-girlfriend is fucking another werewolf. Awww. Boo hoo. You should find yourself a new girlfriend on W-Date!

They go to a werwolf bar called Lou Pine’s (it’s right next to my chain of family-style restaurants, BARFIGAN’S) and Sookie immediately walks into a circle of werewolves and asks them to buy her a drink. She touches one of them and sees that he was involved in kidnapping Bill, and so she tries to get him to rape her in a back room? To save Bill? Good plan. This plan is very solid. “Now I’ve got you right where I want you: raping me.” I feel like this happened last season, too? Is it just me, or is Sookie always trying to get raped?

Stop it, Sookie. Or don’t. I mean, rape is obviously the absolute worst, but I do not care about Sookie’s well-being at this point (or at any point ever). Also, this is werewolf rape, i.e. MYTHICAL FICTION. You can’t be offended by my callous disregard for whether or not Sookie gets werewolf-raped because werewolf-rape DOESN’T EXIST. But she doesn’t get werewolf-raped because her werewolf pal comes and fights the other werewolf and then the werewolf bouncer (WEREWOLF BOUNCER!) kicks him out and tells the “good” werewolf that HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND IS GOING TO GET MARRIED. Hahaha. I just met this werewolf, am I seriously supposed to care about his PREVIOUS ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS? This show’s presumptuous demands on my supposed emotional investment are RIDICULOUS.

Meanwhile, Eric gives Lafayette a fancy car, Jason Stackhouse wants to be a cop now, what’s her name is pregnant, Sam’s family does a ton of shots. Whatever. The road crew finds a dead body with no head. The Sheriff quits. Wait, no fair! How come the Sheriff gets to quit? I want to quit!

Especially after this:

Yikes. Here is my badge. And my gun. I’m keeping one of the bullets, though. I’m just going to chew on it and hope it goes off.